Faded Silhouettes
by heartvshand
Summary: There are actions no one can reverse.
1. Buried Truths

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters' names at all. They may or may not behave like the characters you know from WOWP & Camp Rock.

Let me know what you think. It's probably not going to be what some are expecting/hoping for, but it's what I'm choosing to write this time around.

Faded Silhouettes

Buried Truths

Everyone looked at her grieving boyfriend after it happened. The day before, he'd dumped her, so some blamed him, but others pitied him. All of them stared and, for the first time, I was happy I wasn't him.

Everyone was curious about the note she'd left. It was addressed to him and he hadn't shared a word of it with anyone. I was dying to get my hands on it, because I needed answers, needed closure.

No one stared at me the way they stared at him; they hardly looked at me. Once in a while, if they saw me with someone who was closer to her than I appeared to be, their eyes might linger, trying to figure out if I was upset, if they should ask if I was okay…if I even knew her. Nobody knew we met up every Friday late at night, after she'd leave Shane Gray's house. We'd always meet in the secluded part of the small park by the lock and dam. Sometimes, we'd talk, but mostly we'd fool around. Nobody knew I knew her better than her boyfriend, or at least, I thought I did until she blew her brains out last Monday morning before the first bell.

Grief counselors had been brought in, but I wasn't sure what to say to them. So, when I was called into the office to meet with one, I lied.

There wasn't anything else I could do, but wonder what had been in her note to Shane. Every day after the day it happened, he had been absent; I figured he couldn't take all the staring. I knew I wouldn't have handled it well.

It was Tuesday; a week had passed since it happened. I knew he probably wouldn't be in class again, but despite this assumption, I stared at his empty seat as the bell rang, signallig the beginning of English class. I was trying so desperately to will him into the seat. Feeling like a failure after five minutes of no results, I let my attention slide to Mr. Potts as he was explaining the dynamic between Huck Finn and Jim.

The door squeaked open several minutes later and my head jerked away from the teacher to the boy standing in the doorway. His baseball tee looked baggier on him than usual, so did his ugly tight-fighting pants. A paler, thinner Shane Gray handed a sheet of paper to Mr. Potts and took his seat in front of me. Before he sat down, I noticed bags under his eyes and wondered if they were from crying or lack of sleep, or both.

I flipped to the back of my notebook and scribbled, "We need to talk" and tore out the strip of my lined paper. "Shane." I said it as quietly as I could before Mr. Potts turned back to face the class.

He turned and looked over his shoulder. He mouthed, "What?"

I held my piece of paper up and he took it quickly.

He read it and looked at me, frowning. "Why?" he said voicelessly.

I scribbled "I need to ask you something" on the paper still in front of me and tore that strip out, handing it to him.

He read it, eyed me and turned around; I saw his hand moving and my heart pounded with anticipation.

He slid it back onto my desk quickly.

I unfolded it: "Lock and dam park, 4 pm, today."

#

I sat in my car, waiting for Shane to pull up; I was five minutes early. As I looked around at the swing set and slide through my windshield, it was weird being here with no intentions of meeting up with Mitchie.

Thinking her name caught me off guard and I gasped. It was the first time I'd thought it since that day. I hadn't gone to the funeral, because I didn't want to remember her that way: lying cold in a casket, closed or open it didn't matter…she wasn't the warm, bubbly person she was before. I couldn't handle remembering her as a corpse instead of a person I loved.

A person I loved…I wanted to remember her a certain way. I let out a heavy breath through my nose, biting my lip. Shane didn't know about us, did I really want to taint his memory of her? Did I want to take whatever he remembered about her and twist it into something else? Did I want to tarnish their whole relationship for him?

I turned my car on, deciding that I couldn't do that to him. I wouldn't want someone to force me to look at her in a casket, or ambush me into seeing her in the grave. Before I could even put the car into reverse, a sharp rap on my window startled me. I rolled my window down.

"Hey." Shane stood, bent over, eye level with me.

I felt my mouth drying up, but now that he was here, the desire for answers outweighed the decision I'd just made. "Get in." I unlocked the doors and tried to get my nerves under control.

He walked around to the passenger seat and sank into it.

"So," I said, hoping he couldn't hear my discomfort. "I guess you're wondering why I—"

"She told me about you two. It's why we broke up." He stared at his lap, picking at his nails. His straightened bangs that usually covered his eyes and forehead fell forward, masking his face slightly.

I chewed on the inside of my cheek, unsure of how to ask my question, unsure of how to respond to his words.

"Do you want to see the note?" His voice cracked and he wiped his eyes quickly before fishing his wallet out of his back pocket.

He held it up between us. I took it with a shaky hand and unfolded it.

_Shane,_

_ I'm sorry for this. It's not about you or anyone. I just can't handle life. I'm weak and no matter how much I'd like to be with you, my body, my heart, they tell me I want Alex. And that's something I can't deal with. I'm too afraid of what people will think of me, afraid of them judging me, or her, or us…Since I'm weak, I'm choosing death instead of dealing with any of it. _

_ Please, don't tell anyone about her, or me, please. _

_ I'm sorry I could only love you as a brother._

_ Mitchie_

I stared at it, letting my eyes flow over her handwriting, imagining her writing it. I wondered if she wrote it in her car or if she wrote it at her desk, in her room, the night before or that morning.

I held it out for him to take and he snatched it from my hand. "I don't plan on telling anyone, so don't worry."

I nodded, staring out at the playground. I remembered a conversation we'd had once, about running away together. "Did you see her body?" The whispered question left my mouth before I could think.

He took a shaky breath and then slowly exhaled. "They had an open casket…they tried to…fix her head the best they could, but…I could still tell."

I didn't want to hear any more, so I decided to ask another question that had been bugging me since his first set of words. "Did she break up with you? Or did you end it?" I had to know.

He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the dashboard. He took several deep breaths and sat back up. "She came over to my house, she seemed set on talking about something alone, so we went up to my room and she locked the door and begged me to not get mad before she said another word. I promised." His voice wavered and he paused. Once he started speaking again, he spoke slower; the level in his voice controlled, forced to be even. "She said she was gay, that she was trying to be straight, trying very hard, but that she couldn't help it and that every Friday night she had to see you, that she couldn't help herself. She said she'd been thinking about what that meant, because she didn't feel that constant need with me. She told me she thought she loved you, that she wanted to be with you, and that she wanted to tell you about it that Friday, so she begged me to say I'd broken it off with her, but to be vague. So, I did. I wasn't mad; I'm still not. Maybe I should be, but the look on her face when she was telling me…" He paused, shaking his head; eyes squinted as if he was looking at the expression she'd been wearing, trying to read it. "She looked so pained, so conflicted. She looked sincerely sorry for what she'd been doing to me, and she said she wanted to be friends and that she wanted to talk to you about being together, like publicly, and she hoped that wouldn't affect the friendship she wanted to have with me." He paused; a small laugh crawled out of his mouth. "She wanted me to meet you, officially, like…as her girlfriend." A small smile tugged at the right side of his mouth. He shook his head as he stared at his lap again, trying to suppress the smile.

My head was swimming with all of this information. I didn't know what to do with it. "Are you…sure?" She hadn't mentioned a word of this to me; she'd never brought up Shane or breaking up with him…this was just so out of the blue for me.

He nodded. "Positive…she glowed when she talked about you to me that night…she was shining so bright." He sighed as he shook his head again, flipping his hair out of his eyes. He leaned his head back on the headrest and stared out the windshield. "Whatever you two were…I think you were making her happier than I was…"

We sat silently for a few minutes. Staring at the feeble attempt at a playground, each of us absorbed in our own thoughts. I watched the blue sky; a white cloud would float along once in a while.

"Do you want to be friends?" I wasn't sure why I was asking, but I was already lonely without her. One Friday night without her touch and I was more miserable than I was when I had to watch her walk down the halls at school, holding hands with Shane and kissing him.

He laughed and glanced at me. "Why?"

I shrugged. "I'm lonely, you're lonely…for the same person. You're the only person I can honestly talk to her about, and from the sound of the story you just told me, I'm the only one you can be completely open with when talking about her, too." I looked at him, taking in his features, trying to see what Mitchie saw in him and failing. "Maybe we can just be lonely…together?"

Another small, dry laugh. "As weird as it sounds, it sounds …kind of nice." He nodded. "Sure."

I smiled and then looked away, nervous about what I was about to say. "I'm sorry I stole your girlfriend."

He rolled his eyes, shook his head. "At least you seem cool."

I stared at him, before sighing and looking back down. "I have to get home now, but, um, we can text and make plans for another day if you want?"

He dug his cell phone out of his pocket and handed it to me. "Add yourself in my phone as a contact; give me yours, I'll do the same."

I handed over my phone and then took his, quickly typing in my name and handing it back. We switched again and he looked at my number.

"Well, Alex Russo," he said, looking up from his phone. "I do believe you're the only person I plan to talk to for the rest of the school year." Laughing, he put his phone away.

I frowned. "Why?"

"I don't know if you've noticed, but everyone stares at me…like I'm made of glass or like I'm going to go ape-shit at any moment." He sighed. "I feel like a lot of them accuse me…like…I can see it in the way they look at me." He fidgeted with a loose thread on the side of his black jeans. "And others, they look at me like I've lost the love of my life."

I nodded. "I'm sorry."

He shrugged and glanced out the window; we watched as a barge slowly made its way down the river. "It just sucks…like, they'll never know she broke up with me…they'll never know we weren't in love."

I frowned. "Did you not love her?"

He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "I don't know. I'm sixteen." He laughed. "I mean, am I allowed to know what love really is?" He produced his keys and exhaled heavily. "Well, I'll let you go. I'll talk to you soon." He opened the door and stepped out. He leaned against the top of my car and bent over. "Thanks."

I opened my mouth to ask why he was thanking me, but he shut it before I could. He hurriedly got into his car and I watched in my review mirror as he bent his head down onto the steering wheel; his shoulders heaving with sobs.

I pulled my eyes away from the image in the mirror and focused on the road in front of me. I made a list of the homework I needed to finish for tomorrow as I drove the familiar route to my house.

#

It was Friday night and as I sat in my room, alone, I contemplated Shane's words as I chewed slow bite after slow bite of pizza as I stared a hole into the wall in front of my desk. He wasn't sure if he loved her, was I sure I loved her? Did I still love her?

I wasn't getting anything done. I sighed and shut my laptop. Wiping my fingers on my napkin, I left my unfinished pizza slice next to the sleeping computer and fell onto my bed.

I was restless. It was nearly eleven; in an hour, I would normally be with Mitchie. I rubbed my hands across my face, slowly pulling at my cheeks, my eye sockets, my nose and mouth.

Suddenly, before I knew what was happening, I was crying uncontrollably.

God, I missed her so much.

"Why the fuck did you do this, Mitch? You could have talked to me at least...fuck." My voice was thick with sadness. My body shook as I cried into my pillow, wishing it was her warm torso pressed against mine instead. The thought shook me more and I cried harder.

I woke with eyelashes stuck together, snot dried under my nose and my cheeks felt tight with tear streaks. I stumbled out of bed and found my cell phone, checking the time. It was only one in the morning. I started crying again. I sank down onto my floor, and rested my head against a lump of clothing.

My eyes widened. Clothing. I had her sweatshirt somewhere in here, and a t-shirt, and maybe even some sweatpants or jeans…I ransacked my room, until I found the brown sweatshirt with a banana on it, The Dandy Warhols had been her favorite band; I still hadn't even listened to one song by them.

I hugged it to me, inhaling the faint smell of watermelon I'd always associated with her. I crawled into it and wrapped myself in my blankets and hugged the extra pillow on my bed.

"Why, Mitch?" I whispered into the dark silence of my room. "Why?"

I made up her side of the conversation. But they weren't the answers I was looking for, maybe I didn't mean why did she do it? I sighed. Maybe I wasn't asking the right questions.

"Mitchie. Why didn't you just…talk to me about it?" I sighed and felt my eyelids getting heavy with sadness and sleep.

The sunlight didn't wake me up, but a weight sitting on my bed did. I opened my eyes and squinted at the end of my bed. "How did you get here? ...How do you know where I live?"

Shane laughed. "Well, I tried calling you a few times, but you didn't answer…so I came over and your mom let me in. And when we were younger, we used to ride the same bus. I only live a neighborhood over."

I blinked. "Oh." I rubbed my eyes, sitting up a little bit. "Wait, why are you here? …Did we have plans?" I looked around my room, wondering if anything embarrassing had been lying out.

"Well, not really, but um, I…" He licked his lips and his leg jiggled up and down. "I have tickets to this concert tonight and…Mitch and I were supposed to go…"

"Oh," I said, realization hitting me. "She mentioned that…the band."

"Yeah." He held the ticket out to me. "Wanna go?"

I took the ticket and shrugged. "Sure, why not?"

He smiled nervously. "Um, it's a three hour drive to the venue…I thought maybe we could make the day of it, just being in that city."

I glanced at my half-eaten pizza, my shut laptop, the homework that wasn't getting done, back to Shane. I raked my fingers through my hair, and smiled. "Sure, why not? Can I have, like, thirty minutes to get ready?"

He nodded. "Definitely. Do you want me to wait here or downstairs?"

"Downstairs is fine or my room is okay, too. But, if you go downstairs and my parents ask, you're allowed and encouraged to say we're just friends…don't let them coerce you into saying this is a date or anything that it isn't." I stretched and got up, looking through my closet for an outfit. "Just don't say anything about Mitchie, or the whole gay thing…"

He rubbed his hand down his thigh. "Um, I think I'll just stay here." A nervous giggle issued from his mouth.

"Okay," I said. "I'm going to take a quick shower, brush my teeth and hair, and then I'll be ready."

He nodded, glancing around my room. "Okay. Cool. I'll be here."

"You can turn on the TV if you want." I tossed him the remote from my desk. "I only get like four channels though."

Smiling, he hit the power button as I shut the door to my room.

An hour later, we were on the road and fully out of our hometown city limits. I hadn't realized how potentially uncomfortable the ride could be when I'd agreed, but now that we were here, I was at a loss about what to talk about.

"So," he said, holding the 'o' a little longer than necessary. He laughed. "Sorry, I'm just realizing I have no idea…like I don't know anything about you."

I smiled, fiddling with my seatbelt strap. "Same here."

He kept the wheel of his red Neon steady as he glanced at me. "So, do you want to play twenty questions or something?"

Laughing, I looked up from my hands. "Really?"

"Yeah, or you can tell me your life story and I can tell you mine."

I bit my lip, thinking about my life story. It wasn't too interesting, but it wasn't something I wanted to disclose to anyone unless forced to do so. "Twenty Questions is fine."

He smirked. "Cool." He glued his eyes to the road again. "Do you have any pets?"

"No. We used to have a dog, but he ran away when I was younger." I watched the grassy fields passing by the windows, the endless pavement stretching out no matter how far we advanced. "Do you have any siblings?"

"Yeah." He slowed down as a bird landed on the highway. "I've got an older brother and a younger one. My older brother, Jason, moved out when he turned eighteen and Nate is two years under us in high school."

I nodded. "That's cool."

Shane changed lanes and then switched back again to get around a rusty, white car that was going too slow. "What's your favorite kind of music?"

"I don't know. Anything really. I don't really listen to music, or have a favorite anyone in that category." I shrugged and shifted from sitting on my left leg to my right. "Do you play any instruments?"

"Yes, I've played the guitar since I was eight. My brothers and I tried to start a band, but we never got out of the garage." He laughed, his eyes grew distant for a second and then he shook his head, a squeaky laugh accompanying it. "Probably for the best, we were awful."

I laughed, rolling my eyes. "Whatever, I'm sure it was better than you think."

He eyed me, as if I'd challenged him. "I don't know…I've got some video footage of it, maybe I'll be able to dig that up. You could decide for yourself."

We laughed, talked and joked for the next two hours, and it went by so smoothly, I found myself slightly disappointed that the car ride was over.

"So, basically, all the cool stuff at home that costs money is free here. And the weather is slightly less hot." Shane locked the car doors and we walked down to the park where the concert was supposed to take place. "They don't start until the sun goes down, but we can check this out or go grab lunch somewhere."

I cocked my head to the side and squinted at him. "Why on earth did you get me up at eight in the morning if the show wasn't until sundown? And why did I hurry so much to get ready if we were going to have so much down time?"

He shrugged. "I just like to be way on time for things…like super early." He looked around and my eyes followed him, watching where his eyes landed.

"What kind of food do you want?" I spun around, looking for something that sounded good. "Do they have any Italian places around here?"

He started walking toward the sidewalk and I followed, still glancing around at the busy park and the people setting up for the concert.

"So, who's playing?"

"Do you want to try Alfredo's?"

We laughed and I glanced at the restaurant he was pointing at. "Sure, it looks Italian."

"And to answer your question, FoxxAir is playing. It's a DJ I really like right now." He opened the door to the dimly lit restaurant and we stepped inside, as my eyes trying to adjust too quickly.

"That's cool." I shook my head and looked around at the walls. It looked like spaghetti had been tossed across the walls, but it was painted on. I smiled, pointing at it so Shane would notice. "Isn't that cool?"

Bobbing his head up and down, he looked around the room. "This is a very creative place." A waitress seated us and brought us drinks, then took our orders at the speed of lightning.

"So, you like Dr. Pepper, huh?" He slurped on his straw, pulling the bright colored liquid through his straw.

"And you like Mountain Dew." I swallowed the fizzy deliciousness of Dr. Pepper and looked at the other people seated around us. I wondered how much this looked like a date. I sighed and shook my head.

"Alex, can I ask you something?"

I perked my head up and looked at him intently. "Sure."

He stared at a spot over my shoulder for the longest time; I thought he'd forgotten he spoke at all. His mouth opened, closed. He shook his head and then focused his eyes back onto me. He searched my face for something and I didn't know what was coming. He looked so serious; it startled me.

"What is it?" I said, quietly.

He ran his eyes around the room once more, swallowed loudly and then closed his eyes. "Did you know about me?"

I puckered my lips into a tight circle. This was a tough question; I knew what he meant. "Honestly, at first, no. She never mentioned anyone else…and then suddenly, I saw you two at school one day…I was so jealous." I laughed. "I let it continue for a while, just to see if she'd ever bring it up or not…" I sighed and stared at the basket of breadsticks that had appeared between us. I reached into it and tore one of the sticks in half and dunked it into the marinara sauce. "She didn't and when I had to ask her about it, she lied. Then finally, one day, we made eye contact at school right after she'd kissed you and then I sent her a text message, asking her again. She finally told me the truth. That Friday I tried to break it off with her, but two weeks later, I was taking back everything I said, because I missed her and I hated seeing you hanging all over her, allowed to be that close to her."

I shook my head and stared at him from across the table. "I would have given anything to be you back then. Now, I'm so thankful I'm not in your shoes. I have seen the way people stare at you." Shaking my head harder as the looks flashed before my eyes. "No, thank you."

I looked at him for a moment longer, wondering what he was thinking, wondering how that had to feel to find out your girlfriend had been a completely different person than the person you thought she was. "I'm sorry I didn't stop it."

He smiled lazily. "Not your fault…and it's not like you're the one who was dating someone else…It just makes me feel…I don't know, like I didn't know her at all. Like what else was she keeping from me? Did she even like anything we did? Did she like the cereals she claimed to love? Did she like watching _My Strange Addiction_ with me on Tuesday nights?"

"I know what you mean…when I found out she'd lied to me about you, I wondered what else she kept from me. I didn't even know she was going to break up with you, or that she was so unhappy with herself that she wanted to die, I didn't know…" I sighed, letting my words hang, unfinished.

The waitress brought out the pasta we ordered and we ate in silence.

"How's your food?"

I glanced up and saw that his plate was almost empty like mine. I smiled. "It's pretty good. How about yours?"

He nodded and took a sip of water. "Pretty good." We split the bill and left, the silence still between us.

Walking down the sidewalk, I admired the different shops. A lot of places that looked local, or at least weren't located at home. I noticed the chatter of people and the rush of cars. It was pretty busy around here.

"Do you ever think about living in New York City?"

His voice startled me and I laughed. "If it's as busy as this place, then no."

"Me too." Shoving his hands in his pockets, he glanced at a small chalkboard on the sidewalk with house specials written in multi-color chalks. "Mitch, she always used to want to go there."

"Oh?" I didn't know that about her. "She always talked about running away together…but she never mentioned the city. She talked about moving to Vermont sometimes." I laughed, remembering that conversation. "I never understood the fascination with that place." A cool breeze danced across my face, refreshing me. "Once in a while, she'd talk about moving to a beach."

Shane blinked several times and sighed. "I didn't know that about her."

I played with my jacket zipper, pulling it up and then bringing it back down. "It's like she was a completely different person, depending on who she was with."

He kicked an aluminum can that was crunched down to a disc. Pulling his hands from his pockets, he grabbed mine and pulled me down the sidewalk quickly.

"What are you doing?" I had to nearly run to keep up. "Shane!"

He stopped at the edge of the park we'd started at. "Do you see that fountain in the middle of the park?" He pointed in the direction of it, and I could see the stone edge of it beyond a group of people setting up for the concert. "Would you ever jump into it normally?"

"No."

"I dare you to jump into it." He had a crazy grin on his face.

I stared at his wild expression. "You jump into it."

"I will."

He started running across the grass, jumping over sidewalk paths like they were lava. He hurdled over a low bench as I decided I wanted to catch up. I took off, taking the same path as him.

Once we were standing side by side at the edge of the fountain, panting, he said, "Okay. Take your shit out of your pockets."

I took my wallet, house key and phone and set them on the ground next to his then put my jacket on top of it.

He jumped onto the stone lip and held his hand out for me to take. I let him help me up and we stood there, staring.

My breath returned to normal and as the rush of the run wore off, reality set back in. "Are we really doing this?"

"On three." He grabbed my hand again and gripped it tightly.

"We don't have any kind of extra clothing." I looked around and a few people had given us a second look.

"We'll buy some somewhere. One, two, three!"

A loud splash issued from our plunge. It wasn't very deep, but it came up to my waist. He splashed me and I laughed. "Stop." I splashed him back and he grabbed me by the waist and tried to take us both down.

Ten minutes later, I was dripping with fountain water from head to toe. I could feel the water squishing in between my toes, sloshing around in my shoes. Every step included a gush of water seeping out from the holes in the sides of my Chuck Taylors.

"That was such a bad idea." I picked up my belongings and shoved them into my jacket pocket and folded my jacket.

"No," he said, shaking his head. "It was a great idea." He looked at his phone. "It's four, we should find some new clothes and hit the show."

I rolled my eyes, but followed him into a clothing shop.

"What happened to you two?" The young sales associate eyed our soaked forms and I blinked, unsure of what to say.

"We fell into the fountain." Shane laughed. "We were goofing off and tripped right into it."

The young woman giggled when Shane flashed a huge smile that made girls swoon at school; I tried not to roll my eyes. I walked over to the clothing racks and found a pair of tight jeans, a t-shirt and I substituted a bikini top for a bra since they didn't seem to have anything else.

"Do you sell socks?" I glanced around the store, looking for a shoe section, but didn't see anything.

"No, sorry." She took in my appearance and then glanced at Shane. I knew she was trying to decide if we were a couple.

"Come on, baby, let's get out of here." I tried to whine like a real girlfriend would, but I wasn't sure it was convincing.

Shane gave me a weird look and then glanced at the sales girl and smirked. "Sure thing, sweetheart." He set his clothes on the counter and eyed my handful of stuff. "Want me to get that for you or do you have your card?"

"I've got my card."

Once we were changed and our bags of wet clothing were in the trunk of his car, we sat down at the park and waited for the show to start.

"Do you want to get some dinner before it starts? We still have some time…"

I shrugged and looked around. "I don't know…maybe. Do you see anything right around here?"

"I saw a pizza place."

"I'm not really in the mood for pizza after the pasta. Do you see any kind of deli or something with sandwiches maybe?" I craned my neck, trying to see the street from here.

"I didn't notice anything when we were walking…" He shrugged. "Want to settle for burgers or hot dogs?"

I watched people coming and going and the park was getting busier as the sun got lower in the sky. I got my wallet out and handed him ten dollars. "Get me a burger and a Coke, please."

He shoved the money into his wallet. "All right, what do you want on the burger?"

"Everything."

He laughed, mumbled a small 'okay' and walked off in the direction of the Five Guys I could see from here.

I watched the people milling around, chattering, getting excited. I zipped my jacket up and pulled it back down, listening to the noise it made instead of the people around me.

"Are you here alone?" I lifted my head and found a blonde boy smiling at me. His mouth was obnoxiously large.

"Uh, no?" I raised an eyebrow. "Are you?"

"Well, yeah, I'm here with some friends, but no date." His purple jeans looked too tight and his V-neck was full of different shades of purple in a weird pattern of straight lines that angled at some points and not at others. I stepped back and squinted. It looked like it was trying to make a giant heart.

"You won't find someone dressed like that." I glanced up at the street, scanning the street for Shane.

"Looking for someone?"

"Yeah." I yawned. "I am. You're boring, can you move on, please?"

He rubbed his neck and stared at me. "Really?"

I waved him away and he went without a word. I couldn't see Shane so I went back to staring at my shoes, wiggling my toes inside, feeling the water shifting.

#

_A timid tapping on my window made me panic. I squinted into the dark and saw her silhouette outside my door. I climbed out of my car and she smiled nervously._

"_Hey." She looked as scared as I did. _

"_Hi," I said._

_She looked up the paved path to the bathrooms. "Do you want to get in my car or yours, or go to the bathroom?" She glanced at her black SUV and I saw her eyeing my silver Toyota behind us. _

_I swallowed. "Wherever is fine."_

_ "Do you know if police or anyone else comes here?"_

_ I shook my head. "I've never been here this late before."_

_ She frowned. "Why are you now then?"_

_ I shrugged. "My dad pissed me off and my brothers were being douchebags, so I just wanted to get out of my house."_

_ She gave my body a quick sweep and I wondered what she was thinking. "Where's your mom?"_

_ "She's out of town for the weekend."_

_ "Oh, cool. Let's go to the bathroom…I'm afraid we'll get caught in our cars." She glanced at the bathroom again. "Is it…safe to go in there?"_

_ I laughed softly. "Yeah." _

"_Shut up, this is my first time doing this."_

_My eyes widened and I was happy she didn't have full access to my facial expressions in the dim lighting. "How'd you wind up here?"_

_She shrugged. "I just…I came here one night to get away and then I saw some ladies walk into the bathroom and they were in there for quite a while and then they walked out…and I wondered what they were doing. And so I came back another night and the same thing happened. Then a few of my friends started making jokes when I suggested coming here to get away one afternoon. How'd you find out about this place?"_

_I shrugged and followed her up the sidewalk to the bathroom. "Someone I used to know brought me here once." _

_She stepped into the biggest stall and stared; I felt uncomfortable under the florescent lighting. "So…" She bit her lip and let her eyes roam over my clothed body. "How does this work?"_

_I took a step closer to her. "Like this." I gently put my hands on her hips. "I'm going to kiss you now."_

_She closed the gap between us before I could. I felt her body mesh with mine and a jolt went through me; I almost jerked away from the sudden feeling. The only thing that kept me was I didn't want the feeling to stop and I was afraid it would disappear if we weren't touching._

_I reveled in the feeling of her damp lips against mine and I trailed kisses down her jaw and sucked on her neck. Slowly, I worked her shirt up her torso, draping it across the toilet paper dispenser. Licking and sucking, I made my way down her body. I kneeled before her, my fingers poised on the zipper of her jeans. _

_She grabbed a handful of my hair and stumbled backwards, yanking me with her. I tried to jump up to catch both of us and wound up pressing her against the tile wall next to the toilet. _

"_Was that okay?" I kissed underneath her ear, gliding my lips over the curve of her neck, kissing her collarbone lightly. _

_ She hesitated before nodding._

_ Pulling away, I stared into her brown eyes, amazed at how expressive they were. "I won't do anything you don't want me to; if you don't want that, you can say so."_

_ Her eyes stayed on mine and I could see the fear in them. "This is just my first time…with a girl, ever."_

_ "Don't worry. I'll make it memorable. In a good way. I promise." I smiled, kissing my way down her abdomen. _

_ Slowly, I unbuttoned her pants and slid them down, she came with them and I sat her on the edge of the closed toilet seat. I spread her legs, massaging her thighs and getting a few tiny moans from her._

_ I ran my tongue over the soft flesh and she grasped my hair and I wished I hadn't worn it down. I sucked and gently raking my teeth over her hot spot. I slid my tongue into the wet slit. She jerked around as louder moans issued from above my head. _

_ Fifteen minutes later, she was panting and begging me to stop. She came before I could chill out and remove myself from her; I licked my lips and noted that she tasted sweet._

_ Suddenly, I was sad it was over, because I wasn't sure I'd ever see her again. I wasn't even sure if she'd get me off, since it was her first time. I remember that I didn't know what to do the first time I came here. _

_ She put her shirt back on and buttoned her shirt, eyeing me with a hungry look in her eyes and my arousal rose in hope. Her eyes flitted between my lips and my eyes and I felt my underwear dampening. _

_ She stepped closer to me and breathing heavily, she said, "I don't know what to do…but I'd like to try to return the favor?"_

_ Smiling, I nodded. "Okay. I'll let you know if something feels good or not." Winking, I propped myself up against the bathroom stall's door and pulled her in front of me. I placed my hands on her hips again and kissed her deeply. _

_ She copied everything I did and when I felt her tongue inside of me, I nearly died. I didn't understand why she was so different or why my body was responding so much extra to her, but it was killing me to know that no matter how much pleasure I was in right now, I may never see her again after this. _

_ Moaning, I felt the orgasm rip through my body and I let it take me. She gripped my thighs and the noises issuing from my mouth increased. _

_ Panting, I buttoned my pants and stared at her. "Thanks."_

_ A nervous laugh left her lips and she nodded, not looking me in the eye. "Yeah, thanks for that, too."_

_ I cleared my throat and bit my lip. "Um, look this is…not how I usually do things, but, um, I really…I've never felt the way you make me feel. Like…you are the best I've ever had."_

_ Her eyes narrowed. "Are you fucking with me?"_

_ "I mean, I haven't been with a lot of people. I don't come here a lot…I've only met a few people before you, like three. And I'm sorry you're the fourth person I've shared this with…like…What I'm trying to say is do you want to do this from now on? Just you and me?"_

_ She laughed and stared. By the look on her face, I knew she was probably just as confused as I was. "Are you asking me to date you or be your fuck buddy?"_

_ "What's your name?"_

_ She stepped back. "Why?"_

_ "I just…I want to know. I'm Alex. I go to North High."_

_ "I go to North, too."_

_ "I know…we have some mutual friends." My face warmed; I felt creepy. "We've been to a few of the same parties."_

_ "I know," she said, dropping her eyes from mine again. "I'm Mitchie."_

_ "Nice to officially meet you, I guess." I held my hand out for her to shake._

_ Laughing, she shook it and examined my face. _

_ "So, can we do this? Like just privately, when you need some stress release, when I need some stress release…it'll be nice. We won't have to worry about STDs and shit like that this way." I bounced on the balls of my feet. "Also, don't mention this at school. Nobody knows I'm …"_

_ "Yeah, I don't even know if I am." She sighed and a distance grew in her eyes. "I need to go."_

_ "I'll be here, same time, next week." I watched her walking towards her car. "If you're not here, I'll understand, but I hope to see you."_

_ She nodded, waving at me as she opened her door. "Okay. See you, Alex."_

"Alex?" A hand was shaking me.

I blinked and my world crashed as I saw Shane instead of Mitchie. I swallowed and wiped my eyes, sitting up.

"We're at your house now."

I looked out the window at my house. The light above the door was turned on, but the inside lights were all turned off. I fumbled with the door handle, trying to open it. "Sorry I fell asleep. Thanks for today."

He nodded and waved. "Thanks for going with me. Sorry it was so last minute."

I rolled my eyes. "It's not that big of a deal. I'll see you later." I got out of the car and shut the door. I heard him drive away as I unlocked the front door.

I tossed my bag of wet clothes into the laundry room and then traded my zip up jacket for Mitchie's hoodie, leaving the zip up on my overflowing laundry basket in my room. I dropped onto my bed and curled myself against the pillow, missing Mitchie more as I drifted to sleep. I hoped she would visit my dreams again, but doubted it would happen.


	2. Conflicted

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters.

Faded Silhouettes

Conflicted

Monday morning came too soon and I hated that I wasn't sick. Every day since it happened, I'd been dying to be sick, to have a reason to stay home. My parents didn't know about Mitchie. When she came over, I snuck her in late at night, and when I woke up, she was always gone.

I stepped outside, fumbling with my keys, when I heard a honk. I looked up and Shane's red Neon was blocking my car. I shook my head and headed for his car instead.

"Good morning."

I mumbled a good morning in return as we drove away from my house.

He smiled and looked down at my shoes before pulling out of the neighborhood. "Are your shoes still wet?"

I yawned, nodding. "Yep. Are yours?"

"Not as dry as Saturday before the fountain, but they're drier than yesterday."

I rolled my eyes. "You act like it's my fault." I buckled myself into the seat and watched the road span out in front of us.

Smiling, he watched the traffic, coming to a stop at the only red light between my house and the high school. The closer to the high school we got, the farther up my body the nerves crawled. Shane and I showing up together would be exceptionally weird. Shane and Mitchie had been more popular than I ever had. I hung out with their group, but the group seemed to have tiers and we barely were all completely associated with each other.

I'd only even been called down to the grief counselor because they'd heard we'd been at the same party recently. Mitchie and Shane's group hadn't even been elitists or anything, but the rest of the school held them on a pedestal. He was a soccer star and a guitarist; she was into theater, choir and somehow made time to be a swimming superstar, too. I didn't know how she had time to meet me every Friday night, but I'd always been happy that she wanted to see me.

"Um, is this going to be weird for you?" I unbuckled as he turned the car off. He parked near the back of the front lot reserved for juniors and seniors.

He gave me a look that suggested I'd said something in a different language. "Why?"

I shrugged as I situated my bag onto my back. "I don't know. Nobody knows I'm gay, and you're supposed to be the grieving boyfriend…It's probably going to be weird. Like, more people will stare."

He sighed and closed his eyes. "You're right…I guess, I'll see you later."

I nodded. "I'll meet you here at the end of the day."

We bumped knuckles and I headed in through a different set of doors, closer to my first period.

"Hey, Alex!"

My heart nearly stopped, certain someone had seen us. I spun around and smiled as levelly as I could. "Hey, Harper."

"How was your weekend?" Her shirt looked more watermelon than shirt and her headband was green and pink with black spots sprinkled across it.

"It was all right, how was yours?"

She smiled and started talking. I was trying to focus on her story, but I saw Shane walk by behind her and I almost missed him, almost wanted to run up to him and walk with him. "Alex?"

"Sorry," I said, bringing myself back to Harper. I tried to sift through that weird feeling that had just overtaken me. I didn't like him in a sexual way, I was certain of that. I sighed. "I need to get to class, Harper, I'm sorry. I'll talk to you later though."

She sounded concerned when she spoke, but I ignored it. "Okay, but if you need anything, text me."

I waved bye and walked away, a small thank you falling from my lips.

I dropped my bag onto the floor next to my desk and sank into the chair. I had this class with Mitchie and although, we'd only talked twice in here, I hated being in this room.

I rested my head on the desk and let the coolness seep into my skin, chilling me, raising goose bumps. I heard the bell ring and lifted my head before Mr. Gordon could give me a hard time for sleeping in class.

#

The library was quiet during lunch. I clicked around on the Internet, trying to do something productive and failing. I stared at Mitchie's obituary for an embarrassing amount of time. The photo they'd used was one I'd taken; I wondered how anyone had found that one.

I had it developed just because I wanted her to understand she was very beautiful; she didn't believe me when I told her. The first time she voiced the insecurity I was surprised, how could she have such a perfect body and be so popular and still be insecure about how she looked?

I gave it to her in a white frame and I'd written "I Am Beautiful" in permanent ink on the white surface. I'd demanded that she put it in her room and I begged her to think of that every time she felt down about herself.

She'd laughed, thanked me with a kiss, and told me she'd think about it. Since it was a gift from me, I assumed she'd probably hidden it away. I'd never seen it on display in her room on the few occasions we went there.

I stared at the smile in the photo and tried to remember her voice. It felt so distant now. I wished I'd recorded her speaking, saying anything at all. I glanced around the library and slowly got my cell phone out, trying to hide it in case the librarian walked by. I looked through my voice mail and sped up. There was one message from her. It was at least six months old.

I hit play and put the phone to my ear. My heart was pounding so loud in my ears, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to hear her.

"Hey, I'm sorry. I'm running late, I'll be there soon. Love you." It was the first time she'd apologized to me about Shane.

_I heard a car door shut, breaking the silence of the night. I knew who it was without even looking out the window. I unlocked my doors and she slid into the passenger seat. _

_ She flipped her hair over her shoulder as she turned in the seat to face me. "Sorry." Her eyes were so apologetic. "Shane and I were fighting and he wouldn't let me leave until we resolved the issue."_

_ "It's cool." I really wasn't mad, but I felt like she didn't believe me, because she still looked nervous. "Honestly, I'm just happy you're here at all." I smiled softly. "I know you don't have to come see me. I'm okay with you running late."_

_ She bit her lip and glanced at her phone. "I'm like an hour late though. I mean are you still even in the mood to mess around?" She laughed and opened the console between us, putting her phone inside. _

_ I shrugged and shifted in my seat to face her. "I could take it or leave it; I like your company when we're kissing and when we're not. We can just talk tonight if you want." I was still a little conflicted about sharing her with her boyfriend, unsure if I wanted to be the "other lover"._

_ She smiled and crawled into the back seat. "Can we at least cuddle while we talk?"_

_ I bit my lip, letting my eyes roam over her body. Despite my inner conflict, my desire to be close to her overruled any misgivings I had. "Of course." I climbed over the console and settled myself in between her legs, leaning back onto her. _

_ "So, how was your day?" She played with my hair and ran her fingers over my scalp._

_The forest-like backdrop to this conversation made me feel like the rest of the world really didn't exist. I listened to her breathing, the crickets chirped as the rise and fall of her chest lulled me into a state of relaxation. "It was okay. I've got a lot of homework though, so that sucks. I'm happy that finals are coming up, though."_

"_Yeah." I felt her finger twist around a new chunk of my hair; she twirled it slowly. "Maybe once summer's here, we can do this more often…not just on Fridays."_

_My breath caught. I'd never felt like she'd been totally into this plan, and after I found out about Shane, I hadn't been so into it, either. "Really?" My whisper sounded hopeful and I hated how much I needed her, how much I couldn't even hide how I felt._

_She giggled and it shook me. "Yeah," she said. "Unless you don't want—"_

"_I want to," I said, twisting around to face her. Our stomachs were pressed together as I looked into her eyes. "I definitely want to." I paused and looked away. "But what about him?"_

_She sighed. "Alex, can we just…not worry about that?"_

"_I don't like being something on the side. What sucks most is that seeing you with him, that hurts my feelings just as much as it would hurt him to find us together." I untangled us and sat up. I looked out the window at the silhouettes of trees, their leaves rustling with nightlife, and the lights from the barge on the river, glowing in the distance, the spotlight swinging from side to side, not catching us in its rounds. _

"_I'm sorry, Alex. We can stop doing this if it bothers you."_

_I looked at her, more upset than I had been before. She hadn't even offered to break it off with him; she wanted to end it with me? "Why do you stay with him?"_

_She shrugged and looked away. "I don't want to talk about this anymore." She inhaled slowly, shakily letting it out. _

_I watched her, fidgeting with her fingers. I sighed, but didn't speak._

"_If this is all you want to do tonight, then I think I'm gonna go. I've had enough fighting for one evening." She grabbed her keys and phone from the console and I reached for her hand before she wrapped it around the handle._

"_Stay, please. I promise, I'm changing the subject now." I didn't know why I was so desperate to keep her there even after she'd basically hinted at just dropping this altogether. _

_She shook her head. "I really should go."_

_I opened my mouth and tried to argue more, but she got out of my car before I could find any words. I stared at her as she started her car and I watched as her headlights swung in front of my car as she pulled out of the parking spot one over from mine. I stared at the back of her SUV until she was out of the sight, then I stretched out on the back seat and stared into the darkness outside. _

The bell rang and my stomach growled at the same time. Groaning, I put my phone back into my bag and logged out of the computer. As I walked to class, I fantasized about the different ways I could die in freak accidents.

Several periods later, I was sitting in English and Mr. Potts was assigning a group project. He paired me up with Shane. I laughed as Shane glanced over in my direction; if Mitchie had still been around, this would have been the most awkward group project of my life.

"So, what are the odds of that?" Shane said as he sat down next to me.

I shook my head, still a little giggly. "No idea."

He wrote his name at the top of a piece of loose-leaf paper. "So, what theme do you want to tackle?"

I shrugged. "We could talk about the dynamic between Huck and Jim…that would probably be fitting for us. Unlikely friends in an unlikely situation."

He rolled his eyes, but wrote the idea down. "All right, so can I ask you something unrelated to this project?"

My eyebrows bunched together as I cocked my head, confusion slipping over my features. "Sure?"

"Where were you during lunch? You and Harper usually sat at the other end of our table. I've seen her there, and you, too…but today, you weren't there and Harper didn't know where you were. She said you just hadn't shown up to the lunch ever. Until I saw you in here, I figured you went home early."

I relaxed and leaned forward, propping my elbows up on the desk, resting my head in my hands. "Oh. I went to the library. Why?"

I stared at his handwriting as he wrote another idea down. "What were you doing there?" He had slender fingers like Mitchie's.

"Fucking around, mostly. Why are you so curious?"

He shrugged and looked up from the feeble list. "I was going to sit at your end of the table today, since everyone still treats me like I'm a glass doll."

"Oh," I said. "Well, it's probably for the best that I didn't come to lunch then. Since I'm sure the two of us sitting together would raise a lot of questions."

He rolled his eyes. "Whatever. So, these are some other things we could talk about if we don't get to do the dynamic between them."

"All right." I raised my hand and Mr. Potts came over to us.

"Yes, Miss Russo?" He was an attractive, younger man with a smooth voice that even I would love to listen to for hours on end. His light blonde hair was spiked like he was still sixteen and needed to gell it every day.

"Shane and I call dibs on the dynamic between Huck and Jim. Is that cool?"

Mr. Potts laughed and nodded, walking up to the board. "That's fine." He wrote "Huck + Jim Friendship – Russo + Gray" on the chalkboard and looked at us. "Happy?"

I nodded. "Thanks, Mr. P."

"Yep." He went back to his desk and started reading over some essays for another class.

"So, do you want to work on this after school today?" Shane scribbled out the other two options he'd written down.

Shrugging, I flipped through my copy of _The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn_. "Sure. My house or yours?"

"Since I'm driving, we could do yours, that way I can save some gas when I leave. Or I can take you to your house and you can meet me at my house. Or I can take you to my house and just take you home later. Any of these options are all right."

"We can swing by my house and get my car, that's fine." I glanced at the clock and sighed. I didn't want the period to be end, but I was ready to leave school. "Should I meet you at your locker or the car?"

"Wherever. I can find you after next period and we can decide then." He opened his folder and slipped the loose-leaf paper into it as the bell sounded. He shoved it into his bag.

Grabbing my bag, I swung it over my shoulder. "I'll just meet you at the car."

#

"Mitchie!"

My eyes shot open as I realized I'd been screaming out loud. Calming down once I established I was in my bed, alone, I resituated myself, trying to get comfortable, trying to not think about the dream I'd just woken from. I looked around my messy room; I needed to pick up my dirty clothes, put things back in their spots. My eyelids finally forced me to give them attention and I allowed it; I didn't want to be awake anymore.

"Alex?" My body shook and I opened my eyes, ready to punch the culprit.

"What?"

My mom's laugh sounded too loud in my half-awake state. "You sound like a bundle of joy." She walked out of my room, pausing in the doorway. "Are you getting up? You've got school."

I shoved my head under the pillow and stifled the scream building inside of me.

I went to the bathroom and stared at the toilet, wondering if I could force myself to vomit just to skip classes. Cringing at the thought of tasting the bitter bile or last night's dinner, I got ready as quickly as possible. If I couldn't stop today from happening, maybe I could rush through it.

I walked outside to see Shane pulling into the driveway. I slid into the passenger seat. "You know, you don't have to pick me up, right?" I buckled my belt as he pulled out of the driveway.

He shrugged. "It'd be a waste if I didn't pick you up. You live, like, a neighborhood over and I like your company."

I flipped through his radio presets as we sat at a stop sign. "Do you know if Mitchie ever tried killing herself before now?" My question sounded as rushed and uncoordinated out loud as it had in my head. I hadn't really meant to ask, not in such a clumsy manner, but after the third night of having dreams like last night, I needed to know if my brain was creating scenarios, or if it watching her toss herself into the river last night was something that could have happened in reality.

He shook his head slowly. "Not that I know of." He sighed. "Maybe we could not talk about her right now. She sort of bums me out."

"Yeah, but…I still don't feel like I knew her at all." I fidgeted with the strap of my bag sitting between my feet on the floor.

"Neither do I." He parked the car and gave me a sad, small smile.

Sighing, I got out of the car, tossed my bag on and glanced at him. "See you later."

#

Seven and a half hours later, Shane and I sat in my messy room, mulling over information for our project. I hadn't been in the mood to talk to him or anyone really after the way we ended our conversation in the car, so I'd avoided the lunchroom again. When we saw each other in English, Mr. Potts had taken forty minutes to discuss "the history of _Huck Finn_ in the classroom," so Shane and I couldn't speak there either.

I wanted his friendship, but at the same time, it was hard to look at him. I was used to eyeing him in envy, but now, he reminded me of Mitchie too much: the way he mumbled song lyrics randomly, the precision with which he wrote every single letter, even how he chewed his fucking food reminded me of her.

He put his pen down and looked up. "Hey, can I ask you something?"

"Sure." I flipped through my paperback Twain, looking for useable quotes.

"Have you ever been attracted to a guy?"

I paused. Several guys came to mind: Troy from sixth grade, Nathan from seventh grade, Ricky from ninth, Chris last year. I'd found all of them extremely attractive, but date them? Probably not. "Dating-worthy, no, but I've found a few obsession worthy. But if you're asking if I know when a guy is good looking, then yes. I can tell when a guy or girl is attractive without being attracted to them. Why?"

He stared, like I'd just rocked his world. "Cool. Have you ever dated a guy?"

Nodding, I set my book down. "Yeah, in eighth grade, I dated a guy named Tim, but it didn't last long." I picked at a hangnail on my index finger.

"Cool," he said, again, in the same vacant voice. He sounded like he was in awe or as if what I'd just said was confusing and he was dazed. I didn't know which.

I laughed from the nervous tension between us. "I guess."

I yanked the dangling thread of skin, drawing blood. I wiped the strand of skin onto my jeans and sucked on the bloody dot. The metallic taste seeped into my mouth and he watched, a weird look in his eyes. Sighing, he shook his head and looked away. "So, the project…" He continued speaking, but I stopped listening.

He left around six, but my mom saw him and asked about him during our usual Tuesday night dinner. I evaded the questions as easily as I could manage. I pushed most of my food around the plate, while my mom carried about her day.

"So, how was school?" She chewed a bite of mashed potatoes, looking at my expectantly.

"It was okay. Harper was sick today…it might be mono, so I should probably get checked soon." I didn't know why I was fabricating this story, but I couldn't take it back now.

"Why?" She stabbed green beans on to her fork and took a bite.

I copied her actions and let the chewed beans slide down my throat. I took a drink from my glass of water. "We share vending machine drinks sometimes." I picked up a few more green beans on my fork.

She eyed me; I knew she thought I was lying, but I knew she wouldn't argue. "We'll see if you start feeling bad first, okay?"

I nodded as I pushed some mashed potatoes slowly towards the spot the green beans had been in a minute ago. Since the incident, I hadn't been very talkative at our little mother-daughter Tuesday night dinners.

Her fork clanged against the plate as she exhaled heavily. "Alex, look at me."

I lifted my head, surprised by her annoyance.

"What's wrong? You've been acting really weird lately. Did you know the girl who killed herself at your school?"

I lowered my head again. None of my mostly uneaten food looked edible anymore. "Not really. We knew some of the same people, but…I don't know."

"Are you sure? I've heard you shouting in the middle of the night."

My blood iced over. "I—I don't know. I've just been having some nightmares lately."

"About her?"

I looked up to find her eyes were asking a very different question. Licking my lips, I stared at her.

"I'm not stupid, Alex. I haven't heard you sneaking anyone into your room since it happened."

I shifted in my seat. My mouth felt full of cotton and I hadn't even smoked. "Why are you bringing this up? Why can't this just be something we don't talk about?"

"Because I don't want my daughter to shoot herself in a fucking parking lot!" Her voice rose with every word, cracked on the last. "You've been moping around here for a few weeks. Almost every time I pass by your door, I think I hear you sobbing. You've been extra distant, and you're not eating another real meal I've cooked since it happened."

I stared at my food as goose bumps coated my skin. She didn't need to know I fantasized about dying, that I wished I could kill myself.

"Alex?" Her voice still had a desperate current in it.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and looked up. I wasn't prepared for the pain and worry surging through her face, in her eyes. I opened my mouth to lie, but nothing came out, so I closed it.

"Who was she, Alex? Was she your girlfriend?"

My mouth fell open. I felt my eyes transform into giant round records.

"Yes?" She reached for my hand over the table and held it.

I stayed frozen, trying to figure out where I slipped up, how she knew.

"Sweetheart, are you okay?" Shaky and wispy, her voice sounded distant in my head as I shook it back and forth so fast she blurred at the edges, or that may have been from the tears. Realizing I had more droplets filing in, my fork clattered onto my plate as I took my other hand back from her hold and covered my face with both hands. I took a deep breath and tried to force myself to get it together.

"I'm going to bed. I'm sorry, Mom."

She brought her fist to her mouth and held it against her lips as I turned to leave the room. She looked at me the way people looked at Shan: like I was fragile, full of a sympathetic sadness they'd never understand.

I couldn't explain it to her; I could hardly voice it out loud. I felt a little responsible for everything. She could have been happy and normal and alive, with Shane if I hadn't been there that first night. If it hadn't been me, maybe she would have had an awful experience with dumb girl who would have just fucked her and left; maybe she would have decided to never go back.


	3. Last Kisses

Thanks for the reviews. I've decided that I'm doing this story a little differently than I originally planned to, so it's going to be a bit longer.

mP: I'm sorry, but I'm telling you, just trust me, please.

Faded Silhouettes

3. Last Kisses

September quickly faded into November and when we returned from Thanksgiving break, no one stared at Shane like they had in August. Shane's life looked like it was just as perfect as it had been before she checked out; no one talked about that gaping hole in the room.

I looked into my locker, trying to decide if I needed anything else for the weekend, when fingers covered my eyes. "Guess who!"

I grabbed the slender fingers in front of my face. "What do you want?"

He laughed and slung his arm around my shoulders. "Giving this kid I know a ride home, have you seen her?"

Rolling my eyes, I shoved him a little, but he didn't budge. We walked down the hall, laughing and making stupid conversation. As other enticing gossip pieces came along, he and I being friends had quickly faded into one more perplexing mystery the student body would never crack.

He opened the passenger side door for me, and shut it once I was situated. He buckled his seatbelt and started the car. "So, I was thinking, this weekend, maybe we could hang out or something?"

"Sure," I said. Since the project got turned in, we hadn't spent as much time together outside of school. I wasn't about to admit that it was partly because even after a few months, it was hard to be around someone who reminded me of Mitchie so much. Some days, he'd look at me a certain way or say something, and scratch the tip of his nose just so and I'd miss her more than usual; I'd want to curl into him and beg him to hold me and say the things she used to.

"So, dinner and a movie, right?" He winked as he stopped at the only red light between here and our neighborhoods.

I laughed. "Oh, whatever."

Grinning, he said, "Hey, you never know, maybe my charm would change your mind about the opposite sex."

"Oh, whatever! You can't tell me ladies aren't way more attractive than dudes! We've got soft bodies and we smell better."

A tear rolled down his cheek as he tried to catch his breath. "God, it's so weird being friends with a gay person. Like, if straight girls would talk to me like that, I'd be in love."

"Yeah, and they wouldn't be…" I raised an eyebrow.

"Please, can I be your beard?" He wiggled his eyebrows. "I'll just think about all the funny things you say to me while someone else gets me off privately?"

I scrunched up my nose. "Dude, what the fuck? That's just fucked up. God, you're such a fucking sick fuck." I shuttered and stared at him, confused.

Laughing, he wiped his eyes. I didn't understand why he was finding me so hilarious, but I liked watching him laugh. His eyes crinkled the same way Mitchie's had. Whatever he'd just thought caused him to throw his head back and let out a loud, deep laugh.

I shook my head, trying to rid the image that had suddenly plagued me. If his hair had been longer, his voice smoother, it could have been Mitchie in that moment.

#

Every day I just tried to avoid as much conversation as possible. I felt like the only person I was talking to on a regular basis anymore was Shane. Talking to Harper was something that stressed me out more than anything. She would harass me about whether Shane and I were dating or not; she'd tell me any time he so much as looked at another girl. It was getting harder and harder to keep the truth to myself. It was the Monday before winter break and I was relieved I only had to avoid Harper for a few more days, until I heard familiar footsteps coming up behind me.

"What's going on with you?" Harper's voice was a mixture of anger and concern. She leaned against the locker next to mine, clutching books to her chest.

"Nothing," I said, shutting my locker. "Why?"

"You have been acting weird as hell for months. I tried to ignore it, but I literally haven't seen you outside of this building since August." She followed me as I walked toward the bathroom around the corner.

"Sorry, Harp, I've just been…dealing with some stuff." I readjusted the books in my hand as I walked into the bathroom; she trailed behind me.

"Like what? I thought we were best friends, but suddenly, you and Shane are attached at the hip. What's going on?"

I sighed, licked my lips and set my books down on the shelf mounted next to the full-length mirror. I stepped into the first stall and locked it before leaning my head against the cool metal.

"Alex?"

I bent down and looked under the stalls next to mine, checking for feet: all of them were empty.

I flushed the toilet and took a deep breath before stepping out of the stall. I washed my hands and walked back over to my books. I felt Harper watching me the whole time.

I tried to steady my heart rate and turned to face her. "I've been dealing with letting go of Mitchie."

She frowned, shaking her head. "You talked to her, like, a total of six times ever; what letting go do you need to do?"

I shook my head. "I talked to her a lot more than that, but you can't tell anyone." The bell sounded and I groaned. "I've got to go. I can't be late."

I started walking out of the bathroom before she could protest, but her voice carried to me anyway. "Alex! We're finishing this conversation later."

At lunch, she eyed me the entire time, like I was suddenly some kind of time bomb. Shane sat at our end, and he talked to me about some mundane things, that I couldn't focus on.

"Stop staring at me," I whispered to Harper as Shane got up to get more napkins.

She continued to stare as I swirled a few fries through ketchup. "You better plan on telling me later."

"Just stop." I shoved the fries into my mouth.

Sighing, she focused her attention on the chicken sandwich in front of her.

Shane tossed the napkins at my face. "You've got something on your face."

I swallowed and collected the napkins. "I think you're mistaken, you've got something right here." I pointed at the corner of his lip and as his hand flew up to check, I traced my whole face. "Yeah, it's kind of all over."

He rolled his eyes. "Fuck you." Tossing another napkin at me, he said, "You better hurry and get all that ugly off your face or you'll never get a gi—" He realized what he was about to say and started coughing.

My eyes widened as I kicked him under the table. My heart was already racing, afraid Harper would try to make a scene; I didn't need another reason to have a heart attack.

He excused himself and went to the bathroom. Shortly after, I dumped my trash and disappeared, lying to Harper about going to the library.

I caught up with Shane in the hall and smacked him. "What the fuck was that?"

"Sorry!" He held up his hands; his face had guilt all over it. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gone there. I didn't think."

"This is why we shouldn't hang out in public. I almost told Harper in the bathroom this morning; she was confronting me about how I've been acting lately." I twirled my fingers around a chunk of my dark hair and stared at the front doors. "Can we just leave now?"

Shane raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yeah. Do you have your keys on you?" I didn't care if we got caught or not; I just wanted to get out of here.

He pulled them out of his pocket. "Boom." He jingled them. "Let's go."

"Okay."

He grabbed my hand with his free one and we ran down the hall, adrenaline pumped through my veins.

We pulled out of the parking spot and sped down the highway, laughing and blaring the radio.

"Oh my god, where are we going?" I shivered as I rolled up my window. Outside was colder than I'd anticipated.

"I have no idea. We could go to the old, abandoned shed out on Vann."

"Sure." He turned left and we headed down the hilly road. With every dip, I felt like we were on a rollercoaster.

We pulled up the long, gravel road. Once we got to the top of the hill, he parked behind the building, so it wouldn't be seen from the road.

Stepping out of the warmth of the car, I instantly regretted not having Mitchie's hoodie with me.

"Are you cold?" He unlocked his trunk and rummaged around for a few minutes. He pulled a black hoodie out. "Here." He tossed it at me as he slammed his trunk shut.

"Thanks," I said, catching it.

We walked into the small building that was less of a shed and more of a tin hut. Everyone just called it The Shed for lack of a better name: the Tin Hut sounded sort of ridiculous.

There wasn't any electricity but there was a barrel in the middle of the room. We pushed it to the doorway and Shane fished a little lighter out of his trunk and came back with a few sticks from the field behind the building and dumped it into the metal barrel. While he was gone, I'd managed to find some old newspaper stacked in a corner in one of the makeshift rooms.

He lit a piece of newspaper on fire and dropped it on top of the rest of the contents of the barrel. We sat on the dirty floor in silence for a while.

"Can I ask you something?"

I felt like he started a lot of uncomfortable conversations by asking that question, but I refrained from groaning. "What?"

"Why don't you just come out at school? You were telling me your mom talked to you about it already, so what are you afraid of? If you've got Harper, your mom, and me. So, why does it matter what all the strangers at school think? I mean, really would anyone even notice?"

"It's just not that simple. I don't want anyone to define me by my sexuality. I mean…I don't know what I want from them, but I know I don't want everyone to just remember me as the gay girl at high school reunions. I don't know."

"Do you ever think about dating guys?" His voice was so soft that I wasn't sure it was his.

I sighed, shifting from balancing on my knees to sitting on my ass. "I don't know. Sometimes I wish I wanted to."

"Have you ever been with a guy?" He stared at the barrel, and I stared at him.

"No." I let my gaze turn from him to the smoke lazily rising from the barrel. I heard a crackle from inside of it.

"Have you ever wanted to?"

I stared at the barrel, wondering if a metal barrel would melt if it had a fire in it long enough. I wondered if this was a good idea.

I'd be lying if I told him I'd never thought about it, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to admit it. "I don't know. The chance came up a few times, but I was too confused to actually try it, because I wasn't even sure I'd be into it. Sometimes, though, I don't know. I mean, I know I'm gay, but…it doesn't mean I'm not curious. Like you're straight, but you still wonder 'how does the other side work?' you know?"

He laughed softly. "I guess that's a good point." He shifted so he was facing me. "Do you think I'm attractive?"

I raised an eyebrow, but he looked like he was seriously asking. I gave him a once over. "You're okay. I'm sure there is going to be a girl who thinks you're the most beautiful creature she's ever seen."

He shook his head and glanced down at his hands. "If you were straight, would you date me?"

I laughed. "Considering the fact that our story is kind of fucked up, probably not. I mean, you dated the girl I was in love with and she cheated on you with me, and I knew about it." I shook my head.

He clicked the lighter open and played with the small flame as he spoke. "No, I mean if you just met me randomly and you liked guys, and I asked you out, would you say yes?"

Shifting into a cross-legged position, I stared at the top of his head. "I don't know. I think it would just depend."

His hair hung in his face as he stared at the flame a few inches above his jeans. "On what?" The flame disappeared as he looked up.

I shrugged, and tried to warm my arms as a sudden chill came over me. "I don't know. Just stuff. Like how smooth you were, if you were nice or if you acted like a tool."

He scrunched up his nose and his eyes got squinty like Mitchie's used to when I'd tell her she was beautiful.

My breath caught and I stared at him, as the light from outside cast a shadow on half of his face and the way he laughed silently, his body shook from it. I stared, wishing my eyes weren't playing tricks on me.

He glanced in my direction and his face fell; he reached his hand out to me but before he could touch me, paused. His hand hovered over my shoulder and he opened his mouth like he was going to speak, but nothing came out.

What I imagined my face looked like was reflected back on his face. His chest heaved with several short, uneven breaths and my eyes watered. He pulled me into a hug as I started shaking.

"Sometimes you remind me of her." His voice was a low whisper and I barely heard him over the sobs rattling my body as I buried myself in his chest. He smelled of soap and peppermint and it wasn't the same smell as Mitchie, but some Friday nights, she'd show up smelling like that and now I realized why. It seemed so obvious now: she'd been with him.

I cried harder and his arms tightened around me. "You remind me of her, too." I felt his lips press to the top of my head.

He stayed quiet while I cried and as my body relaxed, he ran his hands up and down my arms, rubbed my back and held on to me the way I wished Mitchie could. I pulled away and stared at him, unsure of what I was trying to say or do.

He held my gaze as he slowly closed the gap between our lips. I kissed back as his hands gripped my elbows. He wrapped his hands up around my back and rested them on my shoulder blades. His lips were warm against, but they weren't what I wanted, what I needed.

I pushed him away as I felt a tear roll down my cheek. I wiped it away and stared at him. "I'm gay, Shane." Another tear dripped out of my left eye and I wasn't sure if I was upset about the kiss or if I was just sad that Mitchie was no longer the last person I'd kissed. "I miss Mitchie and, god, I wish you could fill that void, because I know you understand it better than anyone else." My voice cracked as I finished my sentence. "I'm sorry for letting that happen. I didn't mean to use you that way."

He sighed and rested his head on my shoulder. "Can't you just get over Mitchie? You keep saying you were in love with her, but it sounds like you still are."

My body stiffened; I hated that he was bringing this up, because I still didn't know what I felt. "She's dead, Shane. I can't still say I'm in love with her." Ever since the first day he and I had spoken in my car, I'd wondered if I was even allowed to still be in love with her, because she wasn't here. It was wasted energy; she would never be able to come back or love me back now.

"Well, you might not think you can, but you can be in love with someone who's dead. Just because they're dead doesn't mean your feelings died, too. That much is clear to me right now."

"Shane, you're missing the point. Whether or not, I am or was in love with Mitchie…that doesn't change the fact that I'm gay." As mad as I wanted to be, I just wasn't. I needed Shane for some stupid reason I couldn't quite explain to myself.

"But you've never even been with a guy. How do you know?"

"Because that kiss we just shared told me everything I needed to know." I draped my hand gently over his crotch. "See you've got a little bit of a boner working. I'm not even remotely turned on, despite the fact that you're a decent looking guy."

Sliding my hands up his shirt, I ran my hands up his chest. "Does that feel good?"

He stared at me, confusion all over his face. He slowly nodded.

I groped his pecks and raised an eyebrow. "Not at all stimulating for me."

He frowned. "Alex, stop it." He grabbed my hands as they traveled down his chest, heading for his belt buckle. "I get it. You don't have to give me a handy to prove I'm turned on and you're not even into it."

He held my wrists firmly, giving me a strange look that I could only call a mixture of perplexed intrigue and disappointment.

"Did Mitchie like both?"

I groaned. I was sure he was thinking about whether or not she faked everything with him or not. "She's dead; it doesn't matter."

"Yes, it does!" He let go of my hands and stood up. "Alex, I need to know. Was she really a lesbian or did she go both ways? Did I ever do anything to make her happy?" His face distorted with pain.

I sat, staring up at him with my mouth slightly open, tasting the crisp, smoky air. I thought back to her note; it seemed pretty clear. She only went one way, and that was my way.

"Alex!"

I licked my lips, making a decision to evade the question as best as I could. "I don't know. She never said. We never talked about you, other than when we fought about whether she should be cheating on you or not." It wasn't exactly a lie, but I didn't want to tell him what I thought the truth was.

He walked outside and headed for the car. I followed, unsure if we were leaving or not. He spun around; the crunching of the small, white rocks louder than when we'd arrived. He sighed and gripped his head with his hands. His knuckles turned white as he squeezed his fingers into his scalp.

He stood, his face bent to the ground, breathing heavily.

"Shane?" I debated taking a step back, almost afraid of him.

He jerked his head up. "What?" His eyes were wet.

I frowned and walked up to him. I wrapped my arms around his waist and held on to him.

"I wish she missed me." His arms wound around my shoulders. "Like, if she can miss people in death, I know she misses you more. She addressed the note to me, but it was basically all about you."

"Don't you think that I wish I could just take it all back? If I hadn't been there that night, maybe she wouldn't have found anyone else, or if she had found someone else, maybe they wouldn't have been as nice and gentle. I wanted to make it a regular thing, but I didn't know she had a boyfriend. I didn't know…"

His arms tightened around me and we stood, comforting each other outside in the chill of late November. I saw a snowflake glide through the air, dropping onto the gravel.

"We should probably leave." I didn't know what time it was, but if it was going to snow, I didn't want to stand outside and freeze to death. "Can you just take me home? I don't want to go back to school."

"Sure." We put out what was left of our barrel fire and drove to my house in silence. The heat in the car melted my frozen nose and my eyelashes unstuck themselves.

We pulled up in front of my house and I glanced at him. "Thanks for today…And I'm sorry for inappropriately touching you."

He laughed and shook his head. "Don't worry about it…and thank you… I needed this."

I pressed my lips together tightly, making them a thin line. "I know we've been hanging out like all day, but, um, do you want to come in and hang out?" I grabbed the door handle, ready for a rejection and a quick exit.

He turned the car off and nodded. "Sure."

We walked up to the front door and I checked my pockets for my keys. I stared at him. "I don't have my keys. They're in my locker."

He walked in a circle on the porch, glanced at the drive way and then looked at the garage door. "Do you have a garage key code?"

I walked along the paved path to my driveway and stood in front of the garage door. "Yeah, but I don't know it." I flipped up the cover to the keypad and stared at it.

"Do you have your phone?" He was already getting his phone out as I felt my empty pockets.

I laughed. "Sorry."

Smiling, he handed me his phone.

"Actually, I don't know want my mom to know I came home early. Shit." I handed the phone back to him and stared at the tan garage door. "Let's go around to the back. I think I left that door unlocked last night."

Once we'd gotten inside, I pulled the black hoodie over my head and handed it to him. "Thanks for letting me borrow that."

He folded it up as we walked through the kitchen to the stairs. I plopped down on my bed as he dropped into the chair at my desk. "So." He raised an eyebrow at me.

"Can I ask you something?" I flipped through the channels on the television. All four of them were full of nothing. I turned it off and scanned the small stack of DVDs I had.

Laughing, he pushed his hair out of his eyes. "Isn't that usually my line?"

Smirking, I shrugged, but I continued, because the curiosity was eating me up. "Why were you coming on to me back there?"

He got quiet and clicked my retractable ink pen repeatedly.

"Did you just miss Mitchie? Or are you looking for some action? Or, um, are you actually attracted to me?" I balanced the remote on my stomach and tried to make it stand up, but I couldn't move my hand without the remote toppling onto the mattress.

He stopped clicking the pen, but didn't look up from his shoes. He straightened his tight pants and tugged at the bottom of his purple long sleeved V-neck shirt. He resumed the pen noises as I started picking at the buttons on the remote. "I don't know. Probably a combination of all three of those."

I stayed quiet; he didn't sound done.

He swiveled the chair back and forth, dragging his feet along the worn carpet. He blew a stream of air out and looked at me. "Let's face it, Alex. You're actually a really attractive girl, whether you realize that or not. You're, like, pretty hot, really. Like, I'm so confused as to why more guys don't ask you out. You and Mitchie have a lot of the same mannerisms; I don't care if she picked them up from you or vice versa, but sometimes, you just seriously remind me of her. I don't know if I was in love with her, but I do know that I enjoyed her company and I found her physically appealing. And let's be real, I'm sixteen, I'm always ready to go."

He gave a small smile, but I could still tell he was nervous.

"Well, thanks for the compliments and second, that mannerisms shit works both ways. You do a lot of stuff that I'm curious about which of you picked it up from the other. And, duh, I'm a sixteen year old girl, I'm always ready to go, too."

Shane rolled his eyes. "Yeah, right. You were not even into that kiss."

"Uh, no, I definitely kissed back. Until I realized you were not Mitchie."

His mouth dropped open. He scoffed. "You were thinking about her while we were kissing?"

I laughed at his astonishment. "Oh, whatever." I was still trying not to be upset that Mitchie was no longer the last person I'd kissed; this wasn't helping me ignore that fact or handle it any better.

He stared at his feet for a long time, suddenly as still as a statue. Several minutes passed and I just watched him, waiting for him to do something, wondering if he was okay.

I was about to clear my throat, just to slice into the suffocating silence, when his head lifted and he stared at the wall behind me. His foot started bouncing up and down, shaking his whole leg. He blinked a lot and then finally, taking a deep breath and slowly, letting it out, he focused on me. His eyes had a nervous, almost panicked, flicker in them.

"Alex, I think we both need to move the fuck on." His face had lost all playfulness as he looked at me.

Any remainder of my smile disappeared as I locked my eyes onto his. "What do you mean?" My heart raced; I'd feared this day.

"We've been wallowing in all of this for months. Like, neither of us talk to anyone but each other, and I know I joked about only talking to you the rest of the school year when it first happened, but Nate was talking to me about how I should really find a new girlfriend because it's about time." He licked his lips and resumed staring behind me. "And maybe, I thought you could be my new girlfriend, but…god, you're gay. I mean, look at us…until I just realized this, I was ready to beg you to be my girlfriend, because I just need someone and I can't figure out why I can't just let go of Mitchie, but maybe it's because I'm not trying to move forward. Shit." His eyes were definitely full of panic. "Alex, we're so fucking stuck. It's almost Christmas…it's almost been, like, four months…and neither of us have lived our fucking lives. It's like we died with her."

I was certain he was going to hyperventilate at any moment. He shot out of the chair and paced my room. I knew I'd regret this, but I said it anyway. "Let's make a deal. We'll try moving on, okay?"

He paused at my words. "With each other?"

I wasn't sure if he was serious or not, so I pretended that he was. "Like, I'll try to find a girl and you'll try to find a girl."

He sighed. "Okay."

"Wait." I squinted as I set the remote on top of the TV before standing in front of him. "Are you seriously upset that I'm gay?"

"Kind of." His cheeks pinked with his words. "I'm sorry. I can't help that I think you're cute and I kind of wish we could try dating."

I gripped his arms and leaned into him, kissing his cheek. I pulled back, but kept my hands on his biceps. "If I ever decide I'm straight, or into guys enough to try something with one, we can try it then, but I wouldn't suggest holding your breath."

He pressed our foreheads together. "Can I try to convince you one more time?"

I rolled my eyes, but nodded, because some part of me wanted this: because some part of me wanted to kiss Mitchie right off his lips, hoard any remaining particles of her all to myself. And another part of me knew I was going to need to get used to kissing people who weren't Mitchie anyway. I almost laughed as I realized this was like being thirteen and practicing kissing with Hilary all over again. Pushing those thoughts aside, I pressed my lips to his.

He gently moved his lips against mine; I noted they were soft, wet and warm, just like any girl's would have been. I almost wished I were attracted to him, because if I was honest with myself, he was actually decent company. We'd had more intelligent conversations together than I had with most people I knew. His tongue didn't feel any different than any other person's, but his shaggy hair and flat chest just felt so wrong.

I opened my eyes, gently removed my tongue from his mouth and released his lips altogether. I untangled my fingers from his hair and removed my other hand wandering up his torso from underneath his shirt. I wiped his saliva off my lips with the sleeve of my shirt.

He raised his eyebrow. "So, did I convince you to give it a chance?" A smirk on his lips.

I rolled my eyes, but shook my head. "Sorry, bro."

He snapped his fingers and dramatically swiped his arm across the air between us. "Rats!"

Laughing, I drifted from the spot we were standing in to my bed and sat on the edge. "So, we'll find girlfriends and go on double dates?" I grinned, giving him a hopeful look.

He wore a mischievous look. "Sounds like a plan. We can totally have sleepovers at my house…"

My eyes narrowed as I reached out to smack him. He grabbed my wrist and stepped closer to me, situating his body in between my legs. "Oh, come on, I'll let you watch me and my girlfriend get it on—you can ogle her all you want, if you let me ogle you two, too." He winked and hoisted me up into his arms, carrying me like a small child or a bride.

I punched his shoulder as I squirmed. "Fuck, Shane! Do you try to be that perverted or does it come naturally?"

Laughing, he set me back down. He turned around and bent down. "Let's go rent a movie."

"You haven't even looked at the movies I've got here, though." I pushed his butt and he stumbled forward a few steps.

"Jerk." He rubbed his ass and pouted.


	4. Friday Nights: Now and Then

Thanks for the reviews. I hope this update is a little more bearable for some of you.

Faded Silhouettes

4. Friday Nights: Now and Then

It was Friday night and I was sitting in my car, chewing on my lip, waiting for anyone to show up. I couldn't see the swing set or the slides from here, but I had a full view of the picnic tables and there wasn't anyone there. I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel, feeling nervous about being here.

I'd spent the rest of the week, trying to move on, but I couldn't exactly ask girls out at my high school, so I knew what I was going to have to do. And getting up the nerve to do _that_ terrifying.

But somehow, I'd managed to get myself to the park on a Friday night that I wasn't meeting Mitchie. I sighed, about to give up, when finally a small, black car parked next to mine. My head spun; I was positive I was going to vomit.

Her slender silhouette appeared at my passenger window and she tapped on the glass. I rolled the window down.

"Hey. Looking for company?" Her voice was smooth and sensual.

I was instantly intoxicated with the sound; I just wanted to hear her say anything.

I unlocked my doors and crawled into the back seat, stumbling over my nervous, shaking limbs. She opened the door to the backseat and attacked me immediately with her lips.

Her kisses were rough and forceful, like she was completely pissed off.

I kissed back just as hard, trying to keep up. I was out of practice with people who were here for fucking, not love. I tossed my shirt aside and quickly stripped off her skirt and button down blouse.

Her fingers roamed over my body, squeezing my breast over the bra, kissing my neck at the same time. Her tongue found its way down my neck, to my chest, to my stomach. I stumbled over my bra clasp, then hers.

I glued my lips to her body, trying so hard to ignore the lack of electricity between us. I sucked on her nipples, bit them, glided down her stomach as she pushed my underwear down and pushed me backward, banging my head on the door's cup holder.

I repositioned myself so my head wasn't resting against the door paneling uncomfortably. Her nails raked down my sides; I shivered. She massaged my wet entrance and I moaned. She traced her fingers over every single part of my anatomy, and I reveled in the feeling.

Gasping at how quickly she sped up her pace, I dug my fingers into her hips. She pressed her lips to mine, shushing me. She draped my legs over her shoulders and kissed my inner thighs and I moaned.

I tossed my keys onto my desk and stumbled over to my bed, exhausted from my trip to the park. My head dropped on to the brown Dandy Warhols sweatshirt and my eyes slid back into my head.

_Mitchie sat on my bed, eating chocolate raisins, shoving one into my mouth every once in a while. She stared at the checkers board sitting between us._

_ I squeezed her knee and laughed. "You going to take your turn some time tonight? We don't have all weekend."_

_ She smacked my shoulder. "Shut up. I'm thinking." _

_ "About me naked?" I batted my eyelashes, smiling sweetly._

_ She giggled, her eyes scrunched up at the corners, and I wanted to sit up and kiss her, but I was afraid I'd mess up the board. "Well, besides that, I'm trying to make the best move."_

_ "Well," I said, running my fingers up her leg. "I really like it when you just mount me. That's always the best move." I winked and she rolled her eyes. _

_ "Oh yeah?" She raised an eyebrow and she set the box of chocolate raisins on my nightstand. "I don't know if I believe you. I don't think that's how I win the game."_

_ "Really? Maybe you should read the rule book then." _

_ She moved the game board, gently placing it on the floor, before getting back on the bed and straddling me. "I don't know. I think that reading the rule book would kind of take away from our time together."_

_ I gingerly placed my hands on her hips. "Yeah, that's what I thought. I'm happy you're just taking my word for it."_

_ She slid her hands into my pants. "Is this another move that usually works?"_

_ My mouth dangled open and I felt my brain getting too fuzzy to really understand her question. Her fingers ran over my clit and as she worked her way into me, I lost all my witty responses to her fingertips. _

_ "Hmm, maybe I should have stopped to read the rules, since you're clearly no help all of a sudden."_

_ I kissed her, coming back to her a little bit. "Are you sure you want to do this? I feel selfish, since you're on your period. I'm really okay with not doing this this week."_

_ She kissed me and said, "Sh, you're talking too much. Just let me do this for you, okay? You can repay me when you're bleeding buckets and I'm not, okay?"_

_ I made a face; sometimes, she just said the grossest things. "Ick, I hope I'm never bleeding buckets, that doesn't sound healthy. But it sounds like a deal." I kissed her several times. "Thank you, Mitchieeee."_

_ She shushed me again and I let myself get lost in her touch._

I woke up, feeling late for something, and checked the time. It was five in the morning. I scratched my head, my fingers getting caught in tangles of my hair. I stared at my phone screen for a long time, before finally clicking on my voice mail. I clicked play and listened to her voice.

I bit my lip. This wasn't moving on, but I wasn't about to delete this. I needed this. If I had to put my first love behind me, I was going to keep some part of her. I couldn't stand the thought of not remembering her voice.

The woman I'd met with earlier that night had felt so wrong that she made Shane feel like a decent choice. I shuddered at the thought. Not only was he a guy, he was Mitchie's ex: he'd always be both of those things.

I rested my head in my hands, sitting on the edge of my bed. "God, Mitchie, how did this get so fucked up? I made out with your ex-boyfriend, he wanted to date me, and somehow, within the same fucking week, I was finally with someone who wasn't you? What the hell?"

I grabbed my phone and typed a quick message to Harper then deleted it. I got on my laptop and got onto my social networking profile. I typed up a status and then backspaced all of it without posting anything.

I scrolled up the page, glancing at my friends' pages, scanning my own. How was it possible that I could post any other fucking update about what I was eating, what I did last week, how I hate school, how I couldn't sleep, that I was tired of nightmares, but I couldn't just post "I'm gay." I couldn't manage to write those words in that order anywhere in public.

I turned my computer off and sat back down on my bed. I stared at my phone and wondered what I should do. I clicked on Shane's number and called him, but hung up before he could answer or it could go to voice mail.

I leaned back, staring up at my ceiling: strips of light sneaking through the window, peeking at my cowardice, rested across the ceiling fan and made giant shadows of the still blades.

Anger tugged at me, pulled me from my bed. I paced the dark room, moonlight falling onto my feet when I got too close to the window. I wasn't sure who I was angry with: myself, Shane, or Mitchie.

I saw the brown sweatshirt snuggled between my pillows and blankets. I snatched it off the bed and balled it up. Tossing it against the door, I roared. "Fuck you, just fuck you! God, I hope you are burning in hell. You are such a goddamn, weak piece of shit. We could have been together. I wouldn't have let anyone fucking say a word about you. I would have gunned down the whole fucking student body for you. Jesus fucking Christ, Mitchie! How could I ever fucking love someone who was so damn selfish?"

I shot daggers at that the brown sweatshirt lying at the foot of the door, my chest heaving with the rage that I couldn't bury, couldn't contain. I grabbed the pair of her tight, distressed jeans and hurled it at the back of the door, too. I watched it fall on top of the first article of her clothing, covering it entirely.

I shook as I stared at the pants, trying to remember what she looked like wearing them. "Mitchie, I want to hate you so badly. I just wish I could. I am so incredibly mad at you. God, can't you come back _just _so I can kick your ass?"

I crumpled into a small ball at the end of my bed. Pulling myself over to the jeans and the sweatshirt, I wrapped myself up in them. Tears were streaming down my face and I was wiping them. "I'm sorry, Mitch. I didn't mean that shit…I don't want you to be burning in hell. I don't think you're a piece of shit…" My voice was full of pain and I kept choking on my sobs. "I just don't think it's fair that you got to hurt me so deeply, and I can't even…I can't even say to your face how I feel…I wish you could know how I felt right now." I hid my head inside of the sweatshirt, buried in the fabric, breathing in the warm, recycled air. I wished the brown material still smelled like watermelons, like her.

_Mitchie smiled at me from the other end of the lunch table before going back to her conversation with Shane and the girl sitting next to her that I didn't know. _

_ I chewed on my lower lip as I let my gaze fall from their end of the table to the tray of food in front of me. I tried to tune back into Harper's story about Justin, but I just couldn't handle listening to her gush about my brother. _

_ "Alex?" _

_ The sound of my name jerked me from my thoughts. I looked at Harper's alarmed look, but stayed quiet._

_ "Are you okay?" Her eyes were searching mine; for what, I wasn't sure. I hoped I wasn't giving myself away. _

_ "Yeah," I said, unscrewing the cap on my bottle of Coke. I gulped down several mouthfuls of the carbonated liquid before closing it. _

_ She continued to eye me, but didn't push the topic. _

_ Before I knew it, I was sitting in the darken lock and dam park, waiting for the black SUV to pull up next to me. I was trying not to be upset about lunch, about every day, because I didn't want to spend my one evening of the week with her fighting again._

_ As soon as I was sitting next to her on the folded down backseat of her SUV, Mitchie's wide smile reminded me of earlier and I sighed. I couldn't do it. _

_ "Why can't we be friends in public?" The crickets chirped outside and I tried to focus on their noise instead of my hammering heart._

_ The noise that left her sounded exasperated. "Alex."_

_ "I know, you say it's hard for you to see me in public and not kiss me, not talk to me the way we do here. But I hate pretending nothing's changed between us. Like can't we even pretend we got just a little bit closer? Can't we say, 'Oh, we had a drunken bonding conversation.' Like, what's so wrong with that?" I twisted my fingers around each other._

_ "Alex, can we just not ruin tonight?" She threw her leg over my waist and sat on top of me, her arms two pillars on either side of my head. She kissed my jawline, trailed kisses down my neck and then pulled away, sitting up instead of hovering over my entire torso. She sat, straddling me, looking down at me. _

_ I wondered if I was masked in darkness, because where she was, the light of a passing barge caught her face with every sweep. She looked stunning. _

_ I placed my hands on her hips. "You are beautiful."_

_ Her smile fell and she looked away. "You can't mean that, but thanks."_

_ "No," I said, sitting up, pulling her into my lap instead of letting her continue to straddle me. "You really are beautiful. I didn't say that just because you were sitting on top of me." _

_ As the light brushed over us, her features had gained more discomfort. I kissed her all over her face. "I want to make you feel beautiful. I wish you'd believe me when I say it, because you really are."_

_ She gave a sad smile and kissed my cheek tenderly. "Thanks, Lex, but it's just…hard to believe when I'm the one who looks in the mirror every day." _

A sharp thump against my back forced me to open my eyes and crawl out of my cocoon. I sat up and realized I'd slept on the floor in front of my door. I rubbed sleep from my eyes and crawled away from the door. It creaked open and Justin stared at me, a nervous smile on his lips.

"Can I come in?" He looked prepared to get yelled at.

I croaked out a 'sure' before climbing onto my bed. He sat down next to me. I coughed, cleared my throat and pulled The Dandy Warhols sweatshirt over my head.

"I heard you this morning. When you were yelling."

I swallowed. I hadn't thought about how loud I'd been.

"Are you okay?" His foot jiggled up and down and I wanted to grab his knee and tell him to stop.

I watched his foot a few seconds longer, before finally speaking. "I'm sorry I woke you."

"Alex." His tone held the same warning Harper had tried to use with me when I was refusing to tell her what was going on with me earlier in the week. "Mom told me you're gay."

I hung my head. "Do you hate me?"

"Alex." I looked up, shocked by the pain and hurt in his voice. His eyes were so sad that I almost apologized as I stared into them. "I know we tease each other sometimes, but I would never do that." He took my hand in his. "I've got your back if you want to come out of the closet, you know that, right?"

My tired eyes groaned as I felt more tears trying to overtake me. I wiped my nose as I felt a thin line of mucus descending. "Thank you." I chocked on a sob, stumbling over the 'you' before I could finish speaking.

He draped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me into his side. "Mom kind of told everyone by the way." He chuckled. "I heard her on the phone with her mom, telling her about it, warning her to avoid asking you about grandchildren and your love life."

I frowned and lifted my head from his shoulder. "Why?"

"Well, she doesn't want anyone to upset you." He looked at me with apologetic eyes, as if he was the guilty one. "You know how our family can be…and I don't think she necessarily knows what she wants to do about it."

"Do about it?" My head felt light as I realized she could easily be mad.

Justin squeezed my shoulders. "Like, if any relatives get upset about it."

I looked at my lap, trying to get the nerve up to ask what I wanted. "Are Mom and Dad okay with it?" It came out a strangled whisper.

He laughed. "Dad was surprised, but Mom said it made sense. Max said he already knew."

My head jerked up, my brain was tingling. "How'd he know?"

Justin's face turned red and his lips turned into a tight line. He averted his eyes and coughed. "Max and I had talked about it…some Fridays, we heard you two…and I, um, ran into her one night when she was leaving."

I sighed, nodded and stared at my brother. "Thanks."

He pulled me tighter to him and kissed the top of my head. "You're my sister and I love you, Alex."

I ran my finger over a strip of hair on my knee that I'd missed while shaving. I'd fallen asleep thinking about coming out, and now I wondered why coming out even had to happen? Why was it such a big deal to declare that? I sighed and decided I'd have to shave this small patch of knee-hair later. "I'm not coming out at school. I mean…I'm just—it's not going to be a big deal." I stood and he followed my lead. He walked out of my room and we went down to eat breakfast with our parents.

Thirty minutes later, Shane was sitting in my room. Being on winter break was nice, because now I really didn't have to leave the house for anything.

"So, I hooked up with a girl last night." I fidgeted with the sleeve of Mitchie's sweatshirt, sitting on my bed, as Shane swiveled back and forth in my desk chair.

"Wow, you work fast." He laughed and eyed me; I wondered if he was picturing it. "Was she hot?"

Frowning, I let go of the sleeve. "Shut up. I don't talk about girls like that. You shouldn't either."

His smile fell and he stopped moving the chair back and forth. "I—okay." He pressed his lips together and looked down. "I won't anymore."

I bobbed my head. "Okay. Thank you. And not just to me, but in general."

He nodded harder. "I won't," he said, softly.

"So, as I was saying…I hooked up with a girl last night." My heart was lodged in my throat. "I don't think I can go back to doing what I'd been doing before Mitchie: just meeting girls, having sex and then having it mean nothing. I'm not going to make a big deal about it, but I think I'm going to start telling people that I'm gay."

He lifted his head and cocked his head to the side. "That's great. I'll be ready to kick ass if someone makes fun of you."

I rolled my eyes. I glanced at the clock. It was only noon. "Do you want to get lunch?"

"Sure," he said, standing up. "What do you want to do?"

"We can order a pizza, or go somewhere, or make pizza rolls downstairs." I stretched as I stood; my joints popped and my fingers cracked.

"I met a girl, too." He looked guilty as I glanced at him.

We walked downstairs and decided to just make the pizza rolls. "She invited me to a party tonight. Would you want to come?"

I grabbed the bag of pizza rolls from the freezer as he turned the oven on. "I'm not going to crash your date."

He shook his head as I slid the tray of frozen rectangles into the warming oven. "You're not. I told her about you, and asked if you could come. She was fine with it. She's got gay friends."

"I'm so happy you're outing me to girls you just met."

"She doesn't go to our school. She goes to Central. She said she wouldn't tell anyone."

I sighed, realizing it shouldn't be that big of a deal. "I guess it doesn't matter. I mean, I guess I'm kind of strolling out of the closet anyway."

He laughed and took a seat on one of the bar stools.

#

I shut the door to Shane's red Neon and hopped out of the back seat as Jamie, Shane's date, shut the door to the front passenger seat. I looked at the small, light blue house illuminated by a light fixture hovering above their front door. White numbers hung at an angle on the blue siding: 8209.

Jamie didn't knock on the front door; she just opened it. The warm smell of cinnamon flooded my sense as I realized music wasn't shaking the house, drunken people weren't falling out the front door, vomiting on the porch, and no one was out of control. The blonde girl led us down into the basement.

"JAMIE!" The small group of people all looked up as we walked down the creaky stairs.

"Hey!" She waved as she led the way to the circle of people. "This is Shane and this is Alex."

Shane smiled at the group and rubbed the back of his neck; I waved, smiling at them before glancing at Shane, looking for instruction and getting none.

"This is Jordan, Tiffany, Martin, and Sonny."

My eyes landed on the girl who waved as Jamie said Sonny. I glanced at Shane and he was staring at her, too. Goose bumps broke out all over my body and my eyes watered. I took a step back, tripping over air, and the girl frowned.

Shane grabbed my bicep, keeping me upright. "Stay cool." His voice was barely audible in my ear and I couldn't tell if it was because he was talking softly or if it was the blood pounding against my eardrums.

"Nice to meet everyone." Shane's voice sounded louder, but still far away. His elbow jabbed my ribs and I nodded, trying not to stare at the girl who looked similar to Mitchie.

I sat down next to Shane and spent the rest of the night keeping my eyes as far from Sonny as possible, which was extremely hard since there weren't rooms full of drunken debauchery to get lost in.

I didn't hear a word of the conversation, but somehow, a pipe started getting passed around and before I knew it, I was too stoned to sit up. I crawled away from the group and spread around on the edge of the shag rug they weren't sitting at.

I looked around the room, realizing it was a really strange set up. There was a futon in the corner, a couch, a bookshelf, a nightstand, a coffee table, and a smaller flat screen television; the floor was concrete, but had large rugs placed in various areas of it.

"Does someone live here?"

A laugh issued and I looked around to see who it was. Shane's squinty eyes appeared above me. "What are you doing? Why'd you come over here?"

"I needed to stretch." He held his hand out for me, but I couldn't lift my arm.

Laughing, I stared up at him, my mouth ajar.

"Dude, come on." He grabbed for my arm and pulled, but I barely budged.

A different pair of brown eyes appeared above me and my mouth slackened farther. "It's like looking at an angel."

Raised eyebrow, bemused smile, the same mischievous glint forming in those chocolate little balls. "Well, thanks, I think. But to answer your question: yes, I live here."

I gave a small laugh. "I forgot about that."

Her hands wrapped around my arms and she sat me up. "You okay?"

I rolled my head from side to side. "Yeah." My eyelids were so heavy. "You look so familiar, did you know that?"

She half-carried me, half-dragged me to the couch next to the bookshelf. "I'll get you something to eat."

"Oh my god, do you have extra blast flavor Goldfish? The cheddar kind."

I heard a chorus of laughter and turned my head to see the others glancing in my direction in between hits. My entire body was tingling. I yawned and rolled on to my side. I ran my fingers over the fabric of the couch.

Fingers touched my shoulder and an orange and blue bag appeared next to my stomach. "I've only got Cheetos. You gonna be okay?"

The tingling was subsiding, so I sat up and yawned again. "Yes. Thank you, you amazing lady." I shoved an orange puff into my mouth and the crunch of it filled my head.

I watched her walk back to the circle sitting on the floor. She plopped down next to the people whose names I'd already forgotten. "Shit, I wish I could get that high that fast."

I watched her take a deep hit and wished I had a chance with her. I saw Shane giving her longer looks and, as I started realizing something, sobriety started cutting through the haze.

I eyed her, Jamie, Shane, the other two girls and guy there. If Sonny wasn't gay, then Shane had another chance and if Shane had another chance, then good god, I was right back where I'd been before Mitchie checked out: jealous of Shane Gray.

I stood up and walked over to the circle. I tapped Sonny on the shoulder until she turned around and looked at me.

She blew a stream of smoke out, aiming it upwards, away from my face. "What's up?"

"Will you be my girlfriend?"

Shane jumped up and grabbed my arm. Quickly, he pulled me up the stairs and we stood at the top of the steps before I could even protest. "Alex. Calm the fuck down. That isn't Mitch, and you don't even know if that girl is gay or bi or whatever. You can't just walk up to people and ask them that."

"Oh? Really? But it's totally okay if you do, since, you know, you're straight and that's allowed. Sorry I forgot the rules." I jerked my arm out of his grasp. "Fuck you, Shane. You're just seriously pissed because this time, I asked her first. But guess what, you're on a fucking date right now, with that poor Jamie girl." I tossed my head back and laughed. "God, if only she knew how jealous you were right this minute or if she knew how you've been ogling Mitchie since we got here."

"Her name's not Mitchie, Alex." Shane locked his hands onto my shoulders. "That's not Mitchie down there. She looks kind of like Mitchie, fine. But that doesn't mean she's going to be anything like her, okay? So, don't go assuming she is."

I shook my head. "I have every fucking right to ask her to my girlfriend as you do!"

He threw his hands up, releasing me. "That's what I'm saying! Neither of us have any right to ask her that!"

"Oh, so now we're going to follow a bro code?" I started to walk down the stairs, but he caught me and pulled me back onto the landing.

"Alex, take a breath and try to come back to reality."

I pushed him back and made my way to the bottom of the stairs.

The group stared at me, but the only eyes I cared about were hers. Hers were burning holes into me and I couldn't decide if she'd heard that conversation with Shane or not.

Shane's loud footsteps stopped next to me; he walked around me and sat down next to Jamie. Suddenly, the staring stopped, except for Sonny. She was still looking at me and I was still frozen next to the last steps.

She got up and walked over to me; my heart dropped to my stomach and then jolted upward into my throat. I was certain I was going to choke on it at any moment.

"So, uh, hey." A smirk graced her lips and she grabbed my hand. "Let's go talk somewhere a little more private."

She led me up the steps andclosed the front door behind us as my knees buckled, forcing me to sit down on the porch swing. She sat next to me and I started shaking.

"You cold?"

I shook my head. "Nervous."

She nodded and folded her arms across her chest. "So, you don't even know me."

I picked at my fingernails. They were getting a little longer than I liked. "I know."

She pushed the swing forward and backward and my sneakers dragged across the concrete. I could still feel her eyes on me as she spoke. "Why did you ask me to be your girlfriend?"

I shrugged, but glanced at her. I was partly terrified she'd heard what Shane had said and partly terrified I was going to lose control and kiss her, or start crying. My body still tingled and my head was still foggy; I just wanted my wits about me.

"Alex, wasn't it?"

I nodded, realizing I still hadn't said anything. "Sorry…I just don't…have any good answers."

She looked out at the cars parked along the street and I followed her gaze. "What were you and Shane whispering about at the top of the stairs?"

I was relieved to know that even though I felt like the fight had gotten louder as it went, it hadn't been audible. I sighed and stared at Shane's red Neon and wondered if Mitchie had ever fooled around in the backseat with him.

I sighed, realizing I needed to answer something she asked. "Just…my actions." I yawned, covering my mouth with my hand. The full moon cast shadows across the lawn; I glanced at Sonny.

She was still staring out at the cars and I wondered what she was thinking. I examined her features. She didn't really look all that much like Mitchie. She didn't have bangs. She had on an outfit Mitchie would have never worn: tight jeans, Chuck Taylors, a black shirt that had the word "SNOG" printed across it in the same font the band KISS used. Mitchie wore tight jeans and Uggs, when it was cold, short shorts and sandals when it wasn't, and her tops were always low cut; I couldn't even tell this girl had anything under her shirt. She had brown eyes and the same body type, but really, this girl wasn't that similar to Mitchie the closer I looked.

She shivered and stood, holding her hand out for me to take. "It's colder out here than I thought."

I took her hand and she led us into the kitchen. The cinnamon scent washed over me again and I looked around, looking for the reason. I found a candle burning next to the sink. "I like the candles."

She quirked an eyebrow up and blew it out. "I feel like you're being sarcastic."

I shook my head as she pulled out a chair at the table and sat down. I seated myself next to her. I didn't understand why we hadn't rejoined the group downstairs yet, but I wasn't complaining. "I wasn't."

She drummed her fingers against the table and I wondered why she looked nervous.

"So," I said, watching each of her fingers take its turn on the tabletop. "Do you want to go back downstairs?"

Her fingers paused and she locked her eyes on me. "Why?"

"Because…you have people over. And you're sitting up here in a dark kitchen with me." I kept sneaking glances, trying to find other ways she wasn't like Mitchie. The closer I looked the more differences I saw. Her eyes were expressive in a different way and they somehow seemed browner than Mithie's; she had freckles where Mitchie hadn't. A certain confidence exuded from Sonny that I would never have found rolling off Mitchie.

"It doesn't matter."

I shook my head, trying to refocus my eyes. My face heated up as I realized I'd been staring. "Sorry. What'd you say?"

"I said they're just smoking, and I trust them; so, really, it doesn't matter." The way she looked at me made me uncomfortable, but I stayed still.

I picked at my nails, trying not to tear them off my fingertips one at a time. "I think I need to just ask Shane to take me home now. Sorry."

I stood and headed to the basement door; she caught my arm and held me back. "Jamie really likes your friend. I'll take you home, okay? Let me just grab my keys."

I sighed and raked my fingers through my hair. "Okay…I'll just wait here." I leaned against the wall and rested my head against it; I realized I didn't really want to go back down there. I yawned as she walked down the stairs.

"Hey guys! Alex and I are going to go have sex, we'll be back later." Her voice was louder and more confident than I would have ever guessed.

My face reddened, but everyone laughed. I hoped Shane knew she was joking, too. I heard stomping on the stairs and knew she was coming back up. I smacked her arm as she walked through the doorway. "What was that?"

"What?" She grinned and lightly nudged my arm. "Embarrassed by my sexclaration?"

Maybe I was still higher than I thought I was, because apparently, I found that hilarious. Giggling all the way to the car, I could hardly breathe.

"You are really weird." Sonny buckled her seatbelt and pulled out of the driveway.

I wiped the corner of my eye and tried to breathe.

"So, I'll need directions."

Twenty minutes later, she pulled up to my house. "So," she said, turning off the car. "Do you want to hang out for a bit?"

I thought about my messy room, about Mitchie's sweatshirt on my pillows, her pants draped over my desk chair. "You've still got people in your room."

She shrugged. "It's not a big deal."

I yawned and stretched my arms. "Honestly, I think I've done enough embarrassing stuff for one night…so, maybe when I'm not high and crazy, we could hang out or something. If you want."

She laughed and pulled her phone out. "Well, put yourself in my phone and I'll text you."

"Okay," I said, taking the phone she held out. I thought about how I'd done this for Shane, for Mitchie. I almost laughed.

I waved as I got out of her car and as she drove off, I realized my keys and phone were still on her couch. I sighed and trudged over to the garage door and punched in the key code.

I decided I'd look her up on the social networking website, assuming she'd have an account like everyone else. After a little work, I found her and sent her a private message. I debated sending her a friend request, but decided against it.

I traded my black fleece jacket for the brown Dandy Warhols one and sat on my bed. My eyes scanned the room and, as tired as I was, I couldn't put my thoughts on hold.

I got up and started cleaning my room, mulling over my non-conversation with Sonny. We really hadn't said much at all to each other while we'd been away from everyone else. She hadn't said yes or no to being my girlfriend, and while I knew it was probably a no, she hadn't said anything about being straight, but she also hadn't said she was gay. I sighed and tossed a few loose pages of homework into the trashcan and froze as I saw Mitchie's handwriting sitting on top of the pile.

She had only written me four notes in the year and a half we'd been seeing each other. I'd memorized all of them.

The first was short: "Parents gone for the weekend and S thinks I'm sick. Come over after school?" The second: "Phone went off in class, Dobbs took it to the office; won't have it this weekend. I'll still be at our spot tonight, same time." The third and fourth had been different, longer, more attached.

"I didn't mean to ignore you at lunch today, I just didn't want anyone to think anything of it. Please, say you'll still meet me tonight? I can't handle going public, but I can't handle being without you, either. Please, be patient. Please. I care about you a lot."

The one in my hand was the fourth one: the only one that wasn't about meeting up or having sex or Shane. I licked my lips and stared down at her loopy handwriting.

"Alex,

I love you. I never thought I'd be able to write that or think that or say it to you, but you just make me feel like being myself is okay. I like being with you, because you're good for me. I hope I'm good for you, even though I'm not always good to you. I'm trying to get better at balancing everything in my life, figuring out more ways to add time for you, for us. You mean a lot to me, and I wish I could always show you and tell you just how much I care about you, think about you. I had another dream about you last night, about growing old together. I wish we could have that.

Love,

Mitchie"

The first three she'd left in my locker at school, but the fourth, I'd found on my pillow one Saturday morning. As my eyes traced the letters now, I remembered the surprise and excitement I'd felt when I'd read it, along with the gnawing of doubt and frustration. The jealousy always struck later, when I'd see her with Shane at school on Monday.

_ I never understood why my school liked to have assemblies on Mondays, but they happened from time to time. Harper and I filed into the gymnasium and sat down on the brown, uncomfortable bleachers with our art class. _

_ My eyes were quick to find Mitchie, sitting across the gym with Shane and Caitlin. Her brown eyes caught mine and they lingered only for a second. She laughed at whatever Caitlin said, her eyes breaking away from mine. _

_ "What?" Harper craned her neck, looking for whatever I was staring at. _

_ I shook my head and brought my eyes down to my lap. "Harper, stop."_

_ "Do you have a crush on Shane?"_

_ I laughed drily. _

_ "Oh my gosh, you totally do."_

_ I rolled my eyes, but kept my mouth shut. She shoved me and started yammering on about how she thought she'd heard through the grapevine that Shane and Mitchie were on the rocks. I knew they weren't, but I didn't say anything._

_ That afternoon, Mitchie came up to my locker and asked me about math homework. We almost left school together, but at the last minute we decided to drive separately. _

_ I parked my car next to hers at the library downtown and got out. _

"_You drive like a grandma!" Her voice hit my eyes as I shut my car door. _

_Rolling my eyes, I slung my bag over my shoulder. "Oh, whatever. Sorry that I like to abide by the rules of the road." _

_She laughed and smacked my arm. "So, I seriously do need help with this math assignment. I tried working on it during lunch, but I couldn't figure it out."_

"_You say 'figure it out' and I hear 'focus.'" I raised my eyebrow. During lunch, I'd caught her staring at me several times. She sat at the other end of the same table as me. We did run in the same group of people; it was just a big group of people with subgroups. She sat with Shane and Caitlin and several other people I didn't really know. I sat with Harper and Zeke, but mostly kept to myself. Ever since she and I had started messing around, I'd tried to limit my contact with anyone; I was terrified I'd let something slip if I was given too many chances to talk to too many people. _

"_Well, it's not my fault you dressed extra cute today. It's like you were trying to impress someone. Is there anything you need to tell me, Alex?" She put her hands on her hips and stared accusingly at me. _

"_Oh my god, chill. If I was trying to impress anyone, it was you. Honestly, I don't think I dressed any differently today. Maybe you're just feeling extra gay today." I quirked an eyebrow and she blushed._

"_Shut up." She pulled her book out and fished a pencil out of another pouch and then slid a loose-leaf paper out and wrote her name on the top of the page. "Come on, let's do this."_

_I got my materials out and flipped to the page our assignment was on. "So, which one was an issue for you?"_

_She bit her lip and slowly brought her eyes to mine. Embarrassment and gratitude mixed together. "All of them." _

A faint knocking woke me and my eyes fluttered open to find myself buried in photos of Mitchie, the note lay at my feet. I stacked the photos and put them back into the shoebox and folded up all the notes and put them on top of the photos. Shutting the rectangular box, I cleared my throat and looked around my room. It was mostly clean.

"Hey, Alex? Are you awake? It's Sonny. I've got your keys and phone."

My eyes widened and I went from groggy and half asleep to wide-awake, adrenaline pumping. "Uh, yeah, just give me a few minutes. I, uh, I'm not decent."

I tossed Mitchie's jeans from my desk chair to the closet and tugged the sweatshirt off and threw it on top of them. I licked my lips and scanned the rest of the room. It was mostly clean; I took a moment to admire my insane bout of energy and all that I accomplished before passing out with my memories last night. I didn't see anything else Mitchie-related anywhere, so I went over and opened my door.

"Hey," she said, smiling. "Sorry, your brother let me in." She flipped her hair over her shoulder and laughed. "He looked really confused, though."

I tried to laugh, but I understood why either one of my brothers would have looked at her like that and hoped that they didn't accidentally say anything to her that she wasn't repeating right now.

"Thanks for bringing my stuff to me…I could have met you somewhere, or come to you." I took the items she held out to me.

She shrugged and dropped on to my bed. Her black hair splayed out on my pillow and I hoped I could fall asleep as easily with her scent all over me instead of Mitchie's watermelon. "I've got errands to run anyway, so it wasn't a big deal."

I set my phone and keys down on the desk and plopped down on the edge of my bed. "Well, thanks. I—I appreciate it."

Her eyes ran over my body and I got nervous, but stayed still. "What are you doing today?"

"Um." I paused, thinking about the day. "I should probably get some homework done at some point. Why?"

"Oh, okay, that's cool." She smiled and folded her arms behind her head. "What are you doing for New Year's eve?"

I shrugged, picking at the armrest of my desk chair. "I don't know. Why?"

"Do you want to do something? I'm having some people over, it'll probably be a little louder than last time, but it'll still be fun. My mom's going to visit her sister for the weekend, so I'll be a little less stressed about making noise."

"Oh." I wondered what that meant, but didn't ask. "Sure." I just wanted to spend time with her, even though I wasn't sure if it was because I missed Mitchie or if it was because I wanted to get to know her.

She sighed and glanced at the clock on my nightstand. The red glow of the letters made her groan. "I've got to go. I should get this junk done so I can meet up with some people later. Call me or something and we'll hang out."

I walked her to the front door, agreeing to her plan.

I turned around and found Justin staring at me. "Alex, we need to talk."

I swallowed and pursed my lips. "Okay." I took a shaky breath and followed him into my bedroom. I fell onto my mattress, resting my head where Sonny had been. It smelled faintly of cinnamon and fruity shampoo.

"So, who the hell was she?"

I sat up and looked at him. "Why do you sound so hostile? You know I'm gay; I thought you were okay with it."

"Uh, you do realize she looks exactly like Mitchie, right?" He pointed at the closed door as if he was pointing at her.

I sighed and rubbed my eyelids. How was I already exhausted? I'd been up for less than an hour. "Justin, chill out, okay? I'm not dating her; I don't even know her. I literally met her last night for the first time ever. Her name is Sonny, and I really don't think she looks like Mitchie that much. She sort of does when you first look at her, but then you realize they have a lot of differences and I, of all people, would know what those are. I can tell you already that Mitchie didn't have freckles and that her hair was cut and styled differently, she wore different clothes and Sonny actually is a little scrawnier than Mitch was. Mitchie had an athletic build, while Sonny kind of…I don't know…She's got, like, more of a boyish figure or something, I don't know." I ran my hand down my leg, feeling the prickling of the tiny, black hairs that were growing back.

"Have you at least told her that she really does look like Mitchie a little bit?"

I chewed on my lip and picked at the dirt under my fingernails.

"Alex."

I looked up. "What?"

He stared into my eyes and I felt the anger rolling off him. "Alex."

"No! Okay? Is that what you want? No, she doesn't even know about Mitchie. She doesn't know and I don't think I want to tell her. I mean, Mitch is dead, Justin. Like she's gone and I'm the one with the problem. This girl I don't even know doesn't need to be involved with this. It's my issue and I don't plan on dating her, so there's just no reason to tell her about anything."

"Do you plan to be friends with her?" He paced at the foot of my bed, throwing his arms up as he carried on. "Do you think that she wouldn't want to know this? If you don't tell her, she'll be freaked out if it ever accidentally comes up later, you know that right?"

I sighed and tuned him out. I didn't care. Telling her wasn't necessary, because what were the odds we'd even hang out again? Sure, she invited me to her New Year's Eve party, but that didn't mean shit. So what if I wanted to make out with her? It didn't matter, because after the way I'd asked her to be my girlfriend last night, I was certain any chance I had had disappeared.

"Alex, are you even listening to me right now?"

I threw my hands up and mimicked him. "Are you even listening to me right now?"

"Stop that!"

"Just get out of my room, Justin. I'm going to sleep." I shoved him out the door and locked it once I was alone. I sat down at the desk and grabbed my cell phone.

I had eight missed calls from Shane, a missed call and text from a number I didn't recognize, and then a text message from Justin. I sighed and glanced at Justin's first. "Uhh, why is there a girl who looks like Mitchie here for you?"

I rolled my eyes and deleted it before looking at the message from the unfamiliar number. "Hey, it's Sonny. Hopefully, you didn't give me a fake number, Alex Russo."

I decided to reply: "Hey, Sonny, I didn't give you a fake number. It's really me, Alex Russo. Thanks for bringing me my stuff, sorry for leaving it in the first place."

I bit my lip and called Shane.

"Dude! What the fuck was last night?" I held the phone away from my ear and let him continue shouting for a minute. "Like, why the fuck would you go somewhere with that girl and have sex with her? You just told me you were over that hooking up shit! And of all the people you have to go after, it's the one that looks like our ex! Are you serious?"

As he went on, the angrier I got. Finally, I cut him off. "Chill the fuck out. Let me talk."

He fell silent, but I waited to make sure he was going to stay that way. "Alex, the floor is yours, talk."

I cleared my throat. My eyes roamed my room. What was I even trying to say right now? "We didn't have sex last night. We're not dating and Justin already beat you to this lecture, so you can calm down. I mean, I don't even know her, but I swear, I won't date her if it's really going to bother you."

"Good, because it was going to." He still sounded angry, but I ignored it.

"She invited me to her New Year's eve party. Are you going with Jamie?" I wandered around my room, letting my fingers lightly land on the various objects: the digital clock, my keys on the desk, the lamp on my desk, the lamp next to my bed, the clothes hanging in the closet.

"Yes. She told us about it last night when she got back from dropping you off."

I picked up Mitchie's sweatshirt and stared at the banana. I sighed. "Good."

"Alex, seriously, what was last night?"

I wrestled the sweatshirt onto a hanger and hung it next to my winter coat. "I don't know. I was just too high and I was sitting there, and I saw you glancing at her, and I thought, 'I will not be able to handle watching this girl date Shane.' I panicked and just…didn't think things through. I don't know."

I could hear Shane's breathing through the phone. "Do you think it would be any easier for me to watch you date her?"

I thought about it for a few minutes. I knew he was right, but I couldn't help myself. I fell onto my bed and stared up at the glow-in-the-dark stars that Mitchie and I had put up one summer night, since she skipped out on camping with Shane and some people to spend the night with me. My blood ran cold. "My room is covered in Mitchie."

"What?" He laughed; I could imagine the squinting of his eyes.

"Mitchie is in _everything_ in my room. Like…" I realized I didn't want to tell him about the stars; I knew Mitchie had lied to him about feeling sick the night we did that, or that her mom had said she couldn't go camping…there had been an excuse and I realized I didn't want to share it with him. "I don't know…I just…I don't have memories of anything in here besides her right now, I guess."

He laughed again; I could imagine him scratching his head, trying to figure out where my thought had come from.

"I don't know. Sorry. I won't date Sonny, okay?" I stood up on my bed and plucked a small star off the ceiling and rubbed my thumb across the plastic. "I need to head to the library and work on homework. Do you want to go?"


	5. Resolutions

Faded Silhouettes

Thanks for all the reviews and I hope you like it.

Disclaimer: I'm realizing I may not have this at the beginning of each chapter, but pretend I do, because I'm too lazy to go through and add that. Basically, just know that I know I don't own any of these characters.

5. Resolutions

Shane sat on the loveseat with Jamie while Harper and I sat on the couch across from them. She had forced her way through my front door and Shane and Jamie had already made the popcorn; I felt bad asking her to leave.

Shane eyed me as I typed out a text message. He knew it was to Sonny; with his eyes on me, I felt guilt washing over me. Even though Sonny and I were just friends, he gave me the most accusing looks and I couldn't help, but feel a little bad. This had been going on all week and I was sick of feeling like this for texting a friend.

"What?" I whispered.

Jamie and Harper turned their heads from the television to me and Shane and I realized this wasn't the time or place to deal with this. He frowned and made a face at me; I rolled my eyes and put my phone down, leaving the message unfinished, unsent.

I swallowed before speaking again. "I thought you said something." I couldn't mask all of my irritation, but I tried my best.

Jamie and Harper looked away from us, immediately uninterested.

Shane shrugged. "Oh, well, I didn't." He sounded annoyed, and I could tell he wasn't even trying to hide it.

I sighed and shut my phone off. I stood, shoving it into my back pocket. "I'm going to get another Coke, does anyone want anything?"

"Could you bring me a Coke, too?" Jamie sounded nervous; I didn't blame her.

"And could I get a Sprite, please?" Immediately after the words left her lips, Harper stood and straightened her sweatpants. "Actually, never mind, I'll just come with you."

I repressed the groan and tried to put a smile on my face. We walked into the kitchen and I grabbed two red Coke cans out of the refrigerator. "How's your winter break going?"

"You have somehow managed to avoid me since that day in the bathroom, you know that, right?" She shut the door on the fridge, took the cans from my hands and set them on the counter. Grabbing my shoulders, she stared at me. "What happened between you and Mitchie? Did you kill her or something? Why can't I tell anyone? And who is that girl in there with Shane? I was sure that you two were…"

I tried to move, but she kept me in place. "Harper. I don't want to do this right now. We're missing the movie."

"You own it. I'm sure you'll be able to rewind it when we go back in there, if you really need to see it right now. Answer my questions, Alex. I don't even feel like I know you."

I sighed and grabbed her wrists, trying to remove her hands with no avail. "Fine. If you'll just let go of me."

She lowered her arms and I sat down at the table and she followed. "When I tell you, you can't be mad, okay? Because you wanted to know, so don't get upset with what I have to say. And I love you and I'm sorry I've been such a bad best friend lately, but you're still my best friend…and I'm just…sorry. Okay?" I took a deep breath while she nodded. "Mitchie and I were…kind of secretly seeing each other." I covered my face with my hands, ready for her outburst.

Nothing happened. I peeked out from in between my fingers: her lips were parted, her eyes were glazed over and really, she was kind of scary with how still she'd gotten.

I took her silence as a sign that I should continue explaining. I licked my lips, but they wouldn't stay wet, and my mouth was drying up, so I stopped trying. I could feel my heart speeding up and my eyes were watering. "I…like girls."

"How could you not tell me? …Any of this?"

Shaking, I tried to come up with words. I couldn't.

"Does Shane know?"

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. Her eyes were full of betrayal, hurt, anger, and several other emotions I couldn't place, but all of them made me feel awful. I tried to stop myself from shaking, but I couldn't even focus on calming down.

"You know what? You've always been a half ass friend, and people always wondered why we were always hanging out, why I put up with your bullshit, and until this past year, or so, you always cheated off my papers, you always copied my answers…did you stop doing that because you had her? …Did you start actually studying or just stealing her homework? And somehow, you manage to spill all your secrets to Shane, but you can't even talk to me? You cannot think we're still best friends, can you?"

"You asked, Harper! You wanted to know and here I am, telling you, and you can't even stay calm?" My voice was shaky and came out more aggressive than I'd wanted, but I couldn't help myself. Even though, I knew she was right, it didn't mean I couldn't be upset that she was accusing me of truths.

"Alex, I didn't know you were going to tell me you've been lying to me, that you were living an entire life I didn't even know about. How can you think we're friends when you've hidden so much from me?" She stood and looked down at me. Shaking her head, a frown appeared on her face. "I've gotta go."

I followed her to the front door, but I couldn't come up with anything to say other than 'I'm sorry.' After the door had slammed, nearly smashing my fingers in the process, I realized I shouldn't try going after her. I shuffled back into the living room and leaned against the doorframe. "Hey, uh, Shane, can I talk to you for a minute?"

Jamie eyed me and I wondered what she was thinking, but I didn't care. Shane excused himself and walked into the kitchen with me. "What's up? Where'd Harper go?"

"She's just upset about some stuff. But, um, can you and Jamie leave? I'm kind of upset about the stuff with Harper…and I just…I think I want to be alone right now."

His eyes lingered on me for a few seconds; I could tell he was debating whether or not he should pry. He glanced over my shoulder, and I was thankful that Jamie had crossed his mind. "Okay, but…We'll talk about this later?"

As soon as Shane stepped out the front door, I turned my phone back on and looked at the message I'd been trying to send to Sonny. "Do you want to" I sighed. Why was I about to invite her to watch this movie? I deleted the unfinished question. What was I doing?

It was Thursday. Her party was tomorrow night and I'd made some resolutions for myself. The New Year wouldn't include mourning Mitchie or getting involved with anyone who reminded me of Mitchie at all.

I walked upstairs and looked at my room. My room was coated in Mitchie and I hated to admit it, but Shane was right: I was stuck. I stared at the stars on my ceiling, thought about the box under my bed, her clothing in my closet, the memories I couldn't stop getting lost in, the emotions I couldn't put to rest.

I sat down at my desk and opened my laptop. I opened a new document and stared at the blinking cursor. I put my fingers on the keyboard and took a deep breath. I began typing:

_Mitchie,_

_ Maybe I'm stuck, because I didn't say goodbye properly. I didn't get the closure I need. I tried to do it without seeing you in your casket. I didn't want to remember you as a dead person, but maybe it's harder remembering you as alive. I think part of me doesn't believe you're really dead. _

_ I met someone. She looks like you. I'm not going to lie, when I first met her, I thought she was you. I've looked for every difference and they're definitely there, but I can't lie to you, Mitch. Even with all the differences, she really does look a bit like you. At first, I thought she was you. A small piece of my brain wonders if you are twins who got separated at birth. I doubt it, but I also can't help myself. I want to be around her. I can't decide if it's because she reminds me of you or if I'm actually interested in her._

_ Shane and I are friends now. We have been since you…abandoned me. I'm sorry to use that word, but that's what I feel like you did. You really just fucking left me without actually anything kind of hint that it was coming. Maybe you did hint, and I just really sucked at picking up on it. If you did, and I didn't get it, I'm really sorry. _

_ I'm "not allowed" to date this girl who looks like you, because Shane's all kinds of upset about it. Justin also lectured me about it, though, so maybe I am only fascinated with her because she reminds me of you. _

_ I don't know, Mitchie. I feel like I have a lot of things I'd like to say to you. It's just hard to actually think about what those are; I don't even know how to say the things tumbling around in my head._

_ Harper's all kinds of upset about all these secrets that I've kept from her. I've always called her my best friend, but maybe you were that. Maybe that's why I'm so upset, because without you, I feel so lost, so alone. _

_ I don't know if you're watching me from wherever you're at, but if you are watching, I'm sorry I made out with Shane…I just missed you and, on some sick level, I thought it would help. It didn't. I'm sorry I hooked up with that random girl at our spot…if you want to call the overlook our spot, anyway._

_ Would you be disappointed that I'm so hung up on you? Would you be flattered? I don't know and no one's offered up any thoughts on that. I can't decide who I could ask, so I keep my mouth shut. I feel like you'd be upset that I've wasted so much time crying about you, but I can't help myself. Nobody understands what's it like to go around, trying to fill a void that hardly anyone even knows I've got in my chest. _

_ Keeping you a secret was hardly a problem while you were alive, but it's become the hardest part of my day, every day. _

_ I guess, I'm writing this letter, so that I can just put you away after I finish this. I want you to know that I'm always going to love you. I would have been by your side the entire time if you had given me the chance to do so. I'm always going to wonder about that what-if; I'm constantly curious as to why you decided to kill yourself instead of talking to me. Were you scared that I wouldn't want to be with you anymore? I'll never know and I'm finally understanding that I can't just lose myself in memories of you, in scenarios that will never happen, and I just want to tell you I'm sorry that I have to move on. I'm sorry that I can't prove to you every day that I love you like I would have liked to. _

_ I wish I didn't have to move on, but I think it's just time, because you aren't here and I can't bring you back and you're not going to rise from the dead and tell me this was some kind of sick joke. You're dead and I'm not, and I can't pretend that I'm not alive anymore. I have to be here and I guess, I'm realizing that it can be the most miserable time waiting to die, to get back to you, or I can enjoy it with other breathing, living people until it ends and just be thankful if I'm able to meet you again once I am dead._

_ I guess I want you to know that you will always have a really special place in my heart and I will never forget you and I'm sorry that you didn't feel like you could stick around and face the world with me. I love you, Mitchie, but I can't stay in love with you anymore and I'm sorry. _

_ I'll always love and miss you, Mitch. _

_ Alex_

I stared at the typed up words and wiped my eyes and tried to even out my breathing. I saved it and then printed it. I pulled the shoebox out from under my bed and set it on my bed. I stood at the foot of my bed, slowly folding the paper up.

I placed the folded letter on top of the closed box and then stepped on to the bed and started taking down as many of the stars as I could touch. My fingers grazed the biggest one right above my pillow, the first one Mitchie had put up, or maybe the last. I stared at it, and let my hand drop.

_Mitchie wrapped her arms around my waist and forced us to fall onto the mattress. We stared at the ceiling, the tiny stars glowing faintly. _

"_I was sure they'd glow brighter." Her voice was soft in my ear and her breath tickled, sending a shiver through my body. She ran her hands up and down my bare arms. "You cold?"_

_I shook my head. "I just get shivers from you sometimes."_

"_Oh," she said, giggling. She kissed the spot behind my ear and slowly rubbed her nose against my hair. "You're cute."_

"_So are you." I threaded our fingers together and let my other hand weave around her head to tangle in her hair. "I like that you hung the North Star." _

_She shifted her head just slightly, trying to see me better, even though I was lying on top of her, and she probably couldn't see my face in the dark. "Why's that?" _

"_When I was younger, my dad took me and my brothers camping and he told us that the North Star would guide us if we got lost…you're kind of like a North Star in my life."_

_She kissed my temple, but stayed quiet. I wasn't sure she understood, but she let me have the moment. She squeezed my hand and then squeezed my body. Her lips glided over my ear lobe; I resisted the shiver trying to interrupt the moment. "As cheesy as that is, you're mine, too. You know that, right?" _

_I twisted around, so that we were facing each other. Our stomachs pressed together as I propped myself up on my elbows. I kissed her on the lips, reveling in the softness. As I broke away for air, I rested my head on her shoulder. "You're perfect."_

I blinked, sinking down onto the comforter. I straightened the stack of stars and removed the gummy blue gunk from the backs of them. I balled it up into a small round mess, then placed the stars into the shoebox.

I looked at the empty picture frame on my nightstand. It was simply black, no letters, no prints, nothing. It had contained a photo of Mitchie and me, but I'd taken it out after she'd made a comment about it. I'd put the frame back up once she'd died, but I kept the photo out of it. I sifted through the photos in the box and decided I'd put it back up.

We'd taken my digital camera out to the lock and dam with us that day. In the photo, we were sitting on the short stonewall, her arms were wrapped around my shoulders and my arms were around her waist. She'd taken the photo, so it was slanted down: the grass in the background, a small snippet of the blue sky, the stonewall, and my arms around her waist were all visible, but her smile took up the whole photo, and if I thought hers didn't, mine did.

I couldn't remember why we were laughing. Maybe we were excited to be out in the daylight, but it could have also been a moment in which we were trying to keep the other from falling off the wall or we could have just been happy. I hated that I couldn't remember.

I sighed; despite that mystery, it was my favorite photo of the two of us. I placed it in the frame. "Look, Mitch, you can only sit there as long as you don't let me lose focus on moving forward, okay? I want to remember you and I don't want to keep you in a shoebox." My fingers slowly let go of the frame and I walked over to the closet. I had some decisions to make.

I stared at the jeans and the sweatshirt; I'd taken to hanging them together. I had two choices: I could wear them as long as I didn't wallow in the pity and just pretended they were my own items or I could get a bigger box and put them with the photos and stars and leave them behind, too.

I decided to go with my first option, mainly, because I didn't want to find a bigger box. I picked up my phone and stared at it: the voicemail. I couldn't bring myself to delete it, but I made another deal with myself. If I ever thought about listening to it, it was gone.

I sat down at my desk and realized it was more like baby steps instead of actually getting unstuck, but I felt a lot better about it. I scrolled through my contacts and finally landed on Mitchie's name. I chewed on my lip. What was an acceptable amount of time to wait until deleting a dead person's number?

I clicked on her name and the ringing began. It rang three times before someone answered.

"Hello?" The voice was rough, deeper, definitely not Mitchie.

I had no idea what possessed me to speak, but my mouth wasn't mine anymore. "Oh, hi, is, um, Mitchie there?"

"Sorry, I think you've got the wrong number."

"Oh, sorry. I…I guess I dialed wrong."

"It's okay, I've actually had several people calling asking for that person. Was this their number at some point or something?"

"Y-yeah, maybe that's it…Um, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

My blood was rushing in my ears and I felt sick. "What's your name?"

"Craig. Why?"

I hung up and stared at her name for a while. I deleted the contact and went to my text messages and deleted all of the ones from her.

Walking over to my bed, I put the letter inside of the shoebox and shut it. Sliding it under the mattress, I dialed a different number.

"Want to come over?"

A half hour later, Sonny sat on the couch in the very same spot Harper had been occupying earlier. "So, what's up?" She glanced around the room. "Are we here alone?"

I shrugged, realizing my family was still gone. "Yeah, I think so. My family decided to go out for dinner and I had people over earlier, so I just passed on going with them."

"Oh," she said. "Cool."

I glanced at the clock on the DVD player; it was getting late. "They should be home soon." I ejected the disc. "We should probably go watch this in my room."

"Oh, okay." She laughed. "Are you okay? You seem a little…scrambled."

I nodded as we walked into my room.

As she shut the door, she eyed me again. This time, it was a different look in her eyes.

"What?" I felt my mouth going dry for the millionth time that night as my eyes darted around the room.

She smirked as she took a step closer to me, kneeling down next to me. Gently taking the DVD from my hand, she placed it on top of the DVD player and pulled me up with her. "Come here."

She pushed me back onto the bed and landed next to me. I stiffened, unsure of what she was doing or thinking about doing.

"Alex, come on, talk to me. You're clearly not okay. I don't even know you that well and I can tell that something's wrong or at least, something's on your mind."

I sighed and shifted so her arms weren't touching mine and that we weren't both in the middle of the bed. After a moment of realizing that scooting over wasn't really getting that accomplished, I sat up and crossed my legs. "My best friend is upset with me, because I didn't tell her I was gay until very recently…my other close friend is getting weird about you and me hanging out, because he thinks we're going to date and I… and I am just stressed about both of those things and because I am still trying to get over someone…" I twisted my fingers into the fabric of my polka dotted comforter.

"Well, that's stupid. Your friends need to chill out." She drummed her fingers against my knee and rested her other arm behind her head. "Why is she so upset about you not telling her? I get the whole 'I thought we were friends' thing, but doesn't she get that it was probably way harder to come out to her than to strangers? Her opinion actually matters to you, doesn't she get that?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. She left before I could even figure out how to respond to her questions about it." Every time Sonny's fingertips tapped my skin I felt nothing.

"And this other friend of yours, why is it his business if you and I want to date? He knows you're gay, right?"

I shifted, my mouth opening and closing. "I don't know. He…he knows I'm gay, but I think he's just trying to look out for me."

"Oh, does he think I bite?" She laughed and let her fingers slide off my leg. "But seriously, what's the deal?"

I shook my head. "I'm kind of tired of talking about this. I'm sorry."

"Wait, I need to know. You asked me to be your girlfriend, but now you don't want to date me. Is that right?"

I exhaled, closing my eyes. "Yeah, sorry. I didn't mean to ask you that…it was a stupid thing, that was less about you and more about other things that I don't wan to talk about right now…I shouldn't have done that."

Her eyes roamed over me, and I tried my best to avoid them, because I could see the confusion. "I feel like I should be hurt by this…but I'm not really sure what this is about."

I sighed. "It's just about a girl…it's stupid and I'm sorry."

"You want to know what I think?"

Her voice startled me. It sounded forceful, confident, mildly annoyed. Maybe even angry?

"What?" My voice was breathier than I'd thought it would be.

She sat up and leaned forward, her lips hovered over mine. "I think whatever happened between you and this girl, you need to get over it, and you need to pick better friends, because yours sound like they're a little too ruthless."

I tried to put distance between our lips as I asked, "What does that mean?"

She leaned closer, undoing my distance. "It means you should chill the fuck out and let this happen."

I was more confused than before. "What? Why?"

"Look, you're cute and for some reason, I'm in a mood to help you de-stress."

Her lips were against mine before I could process what was happening. Her lips were so much different from Shane's, from the random girl's, from Mitchie's. She gently pushed me back into a horizontal position and I let her. Her hands glided up my sides and my breath caught. I broke the kiss and pushed her away.

"I can't. I'm sorry. I just…"

She crawled off of me, allowing me to sit up. She ruffled my hair and winked. "It's okay."

"Do you still want to watch this movie?" I got up and walked over to the DVD player, shaking.

She was slow to answer, but finally she did. "Sure."

I sat down and hit play on the remote. My body wouldn't chill out, so I was still shaky.

"Alex, are you okay?"

I nodded profusely, before my head started going back and forth. I buried my head in my hands and curled into a ball.

"Shit." She wrapped her arms around me. "I'm sorry. I didn't know this would happen. Do you want me to leave?" She rested her head on my shoulder as my body shook and I cried.

"No, no…it's okay." I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. Wiping my eyes, I looked up. Her eyes were more of a hazel than a brown really. "Sorry."

She looked alarmed. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."

"You're fine. That was going to happen whether or not we kissed. I've had a long night." I rested my head on her shoulder. "It was more of just a 'cherry on top' situation."

She nodded as she placed her head on top of mine. "Still, sorry."

I laughed, allowing myself to stay pressed against her side. "It's really okay. But, um, could you not mention that to anyone?"

"Shane's the one with an issue about you and me?" She threw her head back and laughed. "Oh my god, I knew it."

"Just please." I tilted my head away from her. "Please, don't say anything?"

"Fine." She squeezed my shoulders.

#

I shut the door to Shane's red Neon and hurried up the steps to Sonny's house.

"You're in such a rush!" Shane was walking at a snail's pace.

"Come on! Don't you want to see Jamie? It's cold out here. Let's go." I gestured for him to speed up; he didn't.

He shoved his keys in his jacket pocket and zipped up his jacket, looked both ways before crossing the small two way street.

I groaned. "Nobody's coming. This is a freaking cul-de-sac." I walked across the lawn and up her front steps to the front door and as I was grabbing the handle, someone fell out the front door and smacked right into me.

"ALEX!" Sonny readjusted her jacket and zipped it up. "Sorry for running into you." She hiccupped and glanced around. "And there's your boyfriend!" She winked at Shane and threw her arm around my shoulders. "I'm gonna borrow her for the night, but you can have Jamie, k?" She giggled and felt her pockets with her arm that wasn't around me.

"Hey, Sonny. You look like you're having a good time." Shane gave a smile, but I could tell he was uncomfortable. He edged around us as Sonny shuffled us to the left just slightly. "I'm gonna go find Jamie." Shane eyed the two of us uneasily before walking through the front door.

I pushed Sonny off me and she went back to feeling her pockets. "What are you doing?"

"I'm looking for my keys."

I repressed a shiver as an artic breeze swept over us. "Why?"

"I'm supposed to meet Andy down the street from the liquor store; he's buying us more." She fished in an inside pocket and I heard a jingle.

I frowned. "You plan to drive yourself?"

She looked up and smiled, her eyes were glassy. "Yeah?" She giggled. "Who else would be driving me?"

I worked her keys from her hand; my eyes roamed up and down her. She didn't seem completely smashed, but I wouldn't have trusted her behind a wheel. "I'll go with you."

She trailed her fingers along my arm, a twisted excuse for a smile danced along her lips. "You sure we can do it together? Won't your _boyfriend_ be upset?" She laughed and started walking in a curvy path to her car.

"I don't have a boyfriend." I walked across the frozen ground, tripping over my own feet to beat her to the driver's side. I fumbled with the keys. "Which one is it?"

"The black one." She pulled them from my hand and held the group of keys by the one I needed. As we slid into the car, she buckled herself into the passenger's seat with minimal protests. She directed me to the liquor store and then guided me to the street that I needed.

Once we were parked outside of a darkened house, I shifted in my seat and stared at her. "You know I'm gay, right?"

She laughed and pushed my face, trying to turn it to the road. "Shut up."

"Then why'd you ask me if I have a boyfriend?" I assumed she meant Shane, and I assumed she was upset about yesterday and how I asked her to keep it quiet.

"He's got you on a little leash, telling you who you can and can't date." She crossed her arms. "You wish he was your boyfriend."

I smacked her arm. "Stop. It's not like that. It's about—"

A tapping on the window interrupted us. "Andy!" She opened her door and got out. She made her way to the other side of the car and draped herself across him. She spoke with him animatedly for a few minutes, then they disappeared to the back of the car. I watched as she kissed him on the mouth; he left after that and she opened my door and hit the button to pop the trunk. A thunk issued from the back of the car and I cringed. I hope she hadn't broken the bottle; it didn't sound like she had, but it didn't make me any less nervous.

I was annoyed with our unfinished conversation, so as soon as I parked the car in her driveway, I got out and walked into the house ahead of her.

Wandering into the kitchen, I found Shane and Jamie taking shots. Or well, Jamie was trying to convince Shane to take more shots with her. "Alex!" She threw her arms around me and I grabbed her hips. Shane's eyes narrowed and I tried to extract myself.

"Hey," I said, leaning against the counter next to Shane. "What's up?"

"Shane won't do any more shots with me. Do you want to do some?" She held up two full shot glasses, hope in her eyes, a toothy smile on her mouth.

I glanced at Shane and then back to her. Sonny's words were still bouncing around in my head. He didn't own me, and he definitely didn't tell me what to do. "Sure, why not?"

We took several shots before I regretted agreeing to it. Six shots later, we were dancing in the basement where Sonny had two giant speakers set up on either side of a card table where her laptop was hooked up the massive speakers. She was playing music and mixing songs and I was enticed by her ability. I wondered if that talent was limited to the laptop or if she played real instruments.

Shane was trying to dance with Jamie, but Jamie was trying to dance with me and every time I glanced at Shane, I could tell he was trying not to punch me.

I kept glancing around, looking at the other people dancing, looking for anyone to pair up with that wasn't Jamie, or Shane. I felt hands on my hips and jumped out of my skin. There was no way Jamie was going to touch me like that ever, especially in front of Shane.

I started pulling at the hands, trying to get them off and stumbled in the person who wouldn't let go. "Jamie, get off me." I pushed, but their arms snaked up my body and held me tighter.

"Not Jamie." Even over the loud music, Sonny's voice was discernible. She giggled and pulled me away from Jamie and Shane.

As soon as it clicked that I was with Sonny, I remembered I was angry with her. I twisted around to face her and poked her in the chest. "Sonny, I am not Shane's bitch, and he is not my boyfriend and he's not my dad or something or whatever you were saying earlier."

She laughed and tried to sway my body to the beat of the music. "Chill out."

"No," I said, trying to get out of her grip. I smashed my lips onto hers and quickly sped the kiss up, letting my tongue explore her mouth. Pressing myself up against her, I tangled my hands in her long, thick hair and didn't stop her nails digging into my hips.

I tried to guide us out of the small crowd of dancing people and once her back collided with the wall, I didn't know which way to go to get us into a horizontal position.

"Alex," she said, breaking the kiss.

Panting, I licked my lips and forced myself to stay focused on her eyes. "What?"

"Calm down." She laughed and loosened her hands, releasing me from her fingernails.

My breathing was still uneven, but I wasn't sure if it was from anger or lust; I didn't care. "Why? You kissed me yesterday and got upset when I asked you not to tell anyone and now that I'm here, kissing you in front of everyone, you're stopping me?"

"How much have you had to drink?"

"What?" I threw my hands up. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"You taste like a cup of Jungle Juice and you could barely stand up or fight Jamie off on the dance floor." She wiped the corner of her lip. "You're super drunk."

"And you aren't?"

"Yeah, I was, but that was earlier. It's been like two hours and I haven't continued drinking." She glanced behind me and I turned to see Shane. His eyes were on us as he danced with Jamie. "And he hasn't stopped staring since I came up to you."

I grabbed her hand, lacing our fingers together. "Can we just not do this here then?" I pulled her, trying to get her to come with me. "I want to go upstairs."

The music pounded against the door. Upstairs was a little quieter without the music, but the people milling around in the halls and rooms still made enough noise that it was hard to hold a real conversation.

She tugged my hand and I fell over myself, following her into a tidy bedroom. It was empty and I was thankful to be alone with her. She locked the door and pinned me to it. "Hey." Her arms were on either side of my head and her face was inches from mine.

I didn't want to think; I just wanted to do. I lightly touched her arms and let my hands slowly make their way down her sides, feeling the curve of her breasts produced goose bumps inside of me.

Closing the gap between our faces, I kissed her, rougher than I'd meant to, but it set the pace. Suddenly, we were fumbling over body parts and clothing. She was kissing her way down my stomach and I felt her tongue sliding over my skin and I moaned.

It wasn't anything like Mitchie, but it wasn't anything like that random girl from the Friday before. I wasn't sure if I wanted it to continue or if I wanted to stop her, but before I could make a concrete decision, she was buried between my legs and I was withering with every touch.


	6. Dinner and a Movie

Faded Silhouettes

Thanks for the reviews. I always appreciate all of the feedback!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

6. Dinner and a Movie

My eyes felt heavy, but the loud pounding noise demanded my attention. I opened my eyes and looked around. Sonny was tangled in the sheets next to me and her left breast was exposed. I tore my way out of the covers and covered her with them.

Grabbing my clothes, I quickly redressed and glanced around, looking for a mirror. Not finding one, I ran my hands through my hair, hoping it didn't look as wild and disordered as it felt.

I cracked the door open and peeked out to see who was so focused on disturbing us. It was Shane and he looked pissed.

Gasping, I shut the door and locked it. I crawled back into the bed and his voice was loud as he started trying to get me to come back to the door.

As I woke up more fully, I realized I could still hear music coming from downstairs and I wondered what time it was. I shook Sonny and she swatted my hand away, mumbling a sleepy 'Stop.'

"Sonny," I said, quietly. "Shane found us and he's pissed and I don't know what time it is, but your music is still playing."

She rolled over and wrapped her arm around my waist. "Just go back to sleep." She tried to kiss my nose and got my eye instead.

I didn't sleep again. Lying there, I waited for Shane's angry shouts about betrayal to fade and as soon as I was certain his footsteps were gone, I shoved my feet into my boots and made sure I had my keys and phone and grabbed my jacket from the basement.

I stepped outside and the crisp, early morning air stung my eyes and froze my blood. I realized that I didn't have my car. I groaned and sat down on the front porch.

I called Justin and, thankfully, he answered. After I gave him directions to Sonny's house, we hung up and I sat with my chattering teeth, waiting for his sky blue car to pull up.

I thought about leaving Sonny a note, sending her a text, anything, but I realized I didn't want to, I couldn't. I hadn't meant for last night to happen. I wasn't entirely sure why I'd pushed it or started it or let it go on. I wanted to prove to her that Shane wasn't in charge of me, but in the process, Shane had gotten mad and I realized maybe he thought he was in charge of me. Where had Jamie been during all of that?

I stared at my phone, wondering what to do. I typed up a message to Shane, apologizing, but didn't send it. I deleted it and thought about messaging Sonny, but stopped myself from doing that, too. A small honk issued from the street and I saw Justin motioning for me to hurry up.

We pulled up to the house and Justin stopped me when I tried to unbuckle. His eyes searched mine and I dropped his gaze. "Alex, do you want to explain what the rush was?"

I sighed and shook my head. "Not really."

"Was that the Mitchie lookalike's house?" He didn't let go of my wrist, but his fingers didn't tighten; I could have easily pulled away from him.

"She's not Mitchie and she doesn't look like her. It doesn't matter, okay? Just worry about it all you want, but you'll just be wasting energy. I'm never going to see her again."

Justin's hand fell and I unbuckled the seatbelt. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I've been up all night. I'm going to bed."

"Are you okay, Alex?" His voice was softer as I opened the door.

I paused and looked at him, letting my eyes bore into his. "No, I'm not." I got out and headed towards the house. I heard his footsteps echo in the biting morning breeze. "But it doesn't mean I want to talk about it right now." I was still trying to mull over what had happened and what I wanted to do with the situation.

I locked myself in my room before Justin could attempt to continue his "discussion" – I could tell he'd had it planned out since we were in the car.

I curled up in the middle of my bed and stared at the ceiling. Shane was pissed, Sonny would probably be upset about me disappearing, and I knew I'd have to eventually talk with Justin, and Harper, too.

My eyelids were heavy just thinking about all the crap I had to clean up later. I yawned and felt sleep relaxing my limbs. I just wanted an escape.

_Mitchie's hand felt warm in mine and I wanted it to stay there forever. "Come on, we're going to get caught in the rain!" She giggled and kept tugging me in the direction of our cars._

_It looked like a storm was rolling in. Lightning set the dark sky on fire and I froze in my spot, causing Mitchie to stumble to a halt as well. "Come here." I lightly pulled her to me. "What's so wrong with getting caught in the rain?"_

_She laughed and her hand immediately ran through her hair. "My hair will get messed up."_

_I rubbed our noses together. "So? Mine will get wet, too."_

_She rested her forehead on mine, her smile dropping. "I've got to be somewhere after this."_

_The summer air felt chilled as it blew up from the dirty, river water. I sighed and squeezed her hand. Over time, that had become code for Shane. Hanging out with her during the day was a really nice perk that summer had brought us, but it also meant I was seeing her at night a lot less, because Shane was._

_I kissed her cheek. Thunder reminded me that we needed to hurry to the car. We continued our path to the cars. She got into her car just in time, because as I was unlocking my own door, rain gushed from the sky. _

_She stared, concern and amusement mixed and I laughed. I waved, trying to tell her to go on and leave me here. I gave up unlocking my door and shoved my keys back into my pocket and walked back up the grassy hill to the small picnic table on which we had spent the afternoon perched._

_A hand gripped my shoulder as a weight settled beside me. I turned to see Mitchie's wide grin, which caused me to produce one of my own. _

_ "Your hair—" Her lips crushed my words. _

_ Pulling away from my mouth, she squinted. "Sometimes, I wish I could choose you."_

_ "Hey, Mitchie, I—I understand if you don't want to hear this and if you want me to never say it again, I won't. But, I really think I love you. I've thought about it for a long time, and I've been trying to figure out how to tell you for weeks. I'm sorry this is such an unromantic moment to tell you, but I just can't hold it in anymore. I love you and I need you to know that."_

_ I laced my wet fingers through hers and she smiled before kissing my temple. "You're really sweet, Lex." She glanced over her shoulder and bit her lip as she brought her eyes back to me. "I should go. I'm sorry."_

_ I nodded, giving her a small smile; I'd promised myself that I wouldn't cry in front of her if she couldn't say it back or didn't want to, or if she asked me to avoid that word. "Have a good night, Mitch. I really do hope it's fun."_

_ "Thanks." She stood in front of me for a moment, a strange look on her face. She pressed her lips to mine and I returned it. _

_I watched as she walked through the muddy grass, her silhouette blurry with the heavy rain that masked my disappointment. I wiped the rain off my face as her taillights disappeared down the narrow paved path out of here._

_Whistling wind became the melody to my thoughts as I sat, listening to the rush of the river carrying up from below. Lightning and thunder struck almost together. Green leaves blew through the gray sky and tumbled across grass and mud. _

_I'd assumed she wouldn't say it back, but it was still a blow to my ego. It meant some part of her was still committed to Shane or that somehow she was still uncomfortable with herself or with us. I put my head down and took deep breaths, trying not to get jealous, trying not to be hurt. _

I woke up, annoyed with everything. I was so sick of my damn dreams. I grabbed my slip on Vans and shoved my feet into them quickly. I pulled my blue and black-checkered hoodie from the closet, shoved my keys into the pocket after slipping it on to my torso. I glanced at my phone and realized not only was it three in the afternoon, but I had several unread messages.

I sifted through them. All of them were from Sonny and Shane and most of his were hostile.

_Sonny, 11:10 am: Hey, so did I just get nailed and bailed on or…?_

_Shane, 11:30 am: Alex, we need to talk._

_Sonny, 1:20 pm: So, you know I was kidding about my first message, right? I'm not upset, but I would like to know if you're okay. You didn't get kidnapped or anything, right?_

_Shane, 2:30 pm: I'm so fucking done with this bullshit. First, you ask her out, then you say you're not going after her, and next thing you're fucking her, are you kidding me?_

_Shane, 2:35 pm: I don't think we need to talk. I'm so pissed. Don't think we're still friends. Whatever we've been doing, we're done. I was stupid to think that the girl who my girlfriend cheated on me would be anything, but a complete asshole._

I didn't bother responding to Shane's insanity, but I thought about replying to Sonny. I owed her an answer, but if I wanted to think about that, then I guess I owed Shane answers, too.

I decided to ignore all of the messages for now. I grabbed my sock hat and gloves and walked out the front door. I walked around my neighborhood, watching the people who lived all around me; it was weird that they were strangers. I didn't know any of them by name and I only knew what a few of did for a living. I knew who had dogs, who had cats, and who had kids, but that was as far into their lives as I cared to get.

The cold air carried noises from the highway behind the neighborhood to me and, as my feet crunched through the snowy layer on the pavement, I wondered if I should have worn my boots instead.

I found myself circling back to my house sooner than I would have liked, but I decided it was best to end the walk since I was getting colder. I'd had enough time to think anyway.

I got inside and paced my room, staring at my cell phone. I didn't have any new messages from Sonny or Shane, so it was my turn with both of them.

I dialed the first of the two numbers and waited with apprehension. I was ready for anger as soon as the ringing stopped.

"What do you want?" Shane's voice was calmer than I'd expected.

"I got your messages."

"Then why are you calling? If you got my last one, you should know I don't want to talk to you anymore." His voice was so guarded that guilt washed over me.

"I—I was calling to tell you that I'm sorry that shit hit the fan with Sonny like that…I really didn't mean to sleep with her. I'm sorry and you're right. I am an asshole."

"It doesn't change that I don't think being friends at this point would be a good idea."

I nodded as I spun my desk chair around. "You're right. We shouldn't be friends anymore."

"Okay. Bye." He hung up.

I stretched out on my bed and closed my eyes. I took a deep breath and dialed Sonny's number.

"Hey, girl! I thought you'd been abducted or that you'd hit it and quit it." She laughed and I could imagine her flipping her hair over her shoulder in jest.

"Hey," I said, trying to sound as happy as she did, but I wasn't sure I'd succeeded.

"Yeah? You sound happy." Her sarcasm didn't go unnoticed.

I swallowed and closed my eyes, realizing that I probably owed her a lot more than a phone call. "Sorry, I just am in a weird mood. Shane and I fought…actually, we're not friends anymore." I traced loops onto my comforter, making circles, hearts, squares. "It's probably for the best."

"Oh." She sounded suspicious or annoyed, I wasn't sure.

"Do you want to meet up?"

There was a small shuffling of papers and then she coughed. "Sorry, yes. Want to get dinner or something?"

"Um, that should be fine."

We planned to meet in an hour and then hung up. I walked downstairs to the smell of warm ham and my stomach knotted up immediately.

"Alex?" My mom's voice carried from the kitchen and I groaned.

"Yeah?" I shuffled into the kitchen and found my mom stirring a pot of some kind of sauce.

"Amy and Tony are coming over for dinner tonight since they couldn't be here for Christmas." She tasted the substance and then made a face. "Can you hand me that?" She pointed to a box; I didn't want to know what she was trying to make.

I groaned. "Mom, I've got plans, though."

"Well, they drove the six hours to see us; I think you can reschedule with the kids you've spent the entire break seeing."

She handed me plates and silverware and I went to work. Amy was my mom's sister and Tony was her second husband. Aunt Amy was a handful. She thought that coming to visit us was an invitation to criticize how we were living. I couldn't hold the second groan in.

"Why? Of all things, I don't need that today." I placed the last of the silverware down and my mom started placing dishes of food on the table.

"Be nice, Alex. She's really not that bad."

"Yes, she is!" I readjusted the dishes and made sure they were leaving enough room for salt and peppershakers, drinks and other dishes. "Don't you remember her workout kick post-Gary?"

After she'd divorced her first husband, she'd stayed with us for a few months. In those three painful months, I was forced to endure 4:00 am running sessions, a small stint of learning how to play the bongo drums, a SlimFast diet, a week of hot yoga, and a "spiritual" awakening through crystal balls, pendants, and practicing Reiki. I also had the pleasure of listening to her soapbox about smoking and how it was awful and she was so glad she'd finally quit for the entire three months. The first time she'd come down with Tony when they were just dating, I was quick to notice that she chain-smoked her way through four or five packs in two days. The second time I'd seen her after Tony came into the picture, I realized she'd gained back most of the weight she'd been set on shedding.

The doorbell rang and my stomached dropped. I greeted them at the front door after my mom scolded me for turning into a statute in the dining room.

Aunt Amy and Tony were smiling like morons, while Tony's son Adam looked just as thrilled as I did. He waved and walked by me with a small 'hey' before Amy and Tony smashed me in a group hug.

"How ya doin'?" Tony ruffled my hair and punched my shoulder.

Amy smoothed my hair down and rubbed the spot he'd just hit. "Hey, she's a lesbian, not a boy! You don't have to be so rough."

I eyed them both and remembered Justin had mentioned that Mom had told everyone. At the time, I'd been okay with it, since I didn't really want to have to slowly come out to my whole family or make a huge announcement at a family reunion.

"Any girlfriends, yet?" Tony laughed as they took off their coats and handed them to me.

I took the coats, relieved for an excuse to disappear for a moment. "Um, no. Not right now. I'll just go put these in the closet."

They laughed, thanked me, and walked into the kitchen where my mom was still finishing up a few things.

I slipped into my room after putting their coats down. I called Sonny, my stomach in more knots than before.

"Hey, change your mind?" She sounded so relaxed.

"Um, my mom surprised me when I went downstairs. My aunt and uncle are here and I can't leave…they're here for dinner since they couldn't be here for Christmas. My mom's telling me I have to be here…I'm sorry."

"Eh, it's okay. I mean, I can join you if you want, or we can meet up after?"

I bit my lip and glanced to my closed door. How awful would it be to invite a girl to meet my family only to tell her that I didn't want to see her anymore? I shuddered at the thought. I couldn't be that mean, not to her. She didn't deserve it.

"Um, we can—" I paused. Did I want to tell her to leave me alone? With Shane gone and my feelings printed out and put in the shoebox, I'd sort of let go of the last parts of Mitchie that I'd been clinging to. "You can come over."

"Oh? I was semi-joking about that." She laughed and I heard something creak on her end. "But I'll head that way."

"Okay, see you soon." I hung up and hurried downstairs. "Mom!"

"Yes, Alex?" Her voice sounded strained and she looked tired.

Aunt Amy was rambling on about her dogs and how one of them had a yakking problem: the obvious appropriate pre-dinner conversation. She paused as I skidded to a halt in front of my mom.

"Can I invite a friend to dinner?"

She looked up from the ham that she was finishing up with and narrowed her eyes. "Is it Harper or Shane?"

"Um, actually, it's Sonny."

She sighed. "Is that the girl that Justin was telling me about?"

"A girl, huh?" Tony's southern drawl made him sound like he was from Texas or Louisiana, somewhere farther away than six hours.

"Yes," I said, quietly, trying to be polite to the man interrupting my conversation. "Whatever Justin told you, it's probably not true. We're just friends."

Tony laughed and clamped his hand onto my shoulder. "When I was sixteen, I remember my first dinner with a girl's family. Have you met this girl, Theresa? We should meet her."

Aunt Amy chimed in as she readjusted the parting of my hair. "Yes, I would be honored to meet your very first, girlfriend!" She laughed and Tony joined her.

Mom sighed. "Fine. Tell her to hurry up."

"We really are just friends," I said, quietly, hoping that Amy and Tony couldn't hear me as they walked off into the living room to get pictures of their dogs or check on Adam.

"Just tell her to hurry, Alex."

"Thank you." I kissed her on the cheek and headed to the front door. I opened the door and almost walked into Sonny.

"Oh, hey, I was just about to knock." She smiled and her eyes sparkled.

"Well, my aunt and uncle assume we're dating, and there's nothing I can do to change that. So, you'll probably get that lovely lecture about taking care of their girl." I rolled my eyes and nodded to the steps. "We can sit out here for a minute. I just need a second away from them."

She sat next to me and wrapped her arms around her knees. "So, they think I'm your girlfriend, but do you?"

I watched her stare out at the street. "Do I think you're my girlfriend?"

"Yeah," she said, glancing at me. "Do you?"

I shrugged. "Um, I don't know…just because we slept together doesn't mean we know each other well enough to be a couple." I shivered and stood up. "Let's go back."

She frowned, but took my outstretched hand and I pulled her up. "So, we're not a couple?"

I shrugged. "Can we just talk about that after dinner?" I opened the front door and let her go in first. Adam eyed her and then me and smirked. I smacked his shoulder. "Stop being a perv."

Sonny held her hand out to him. "I'm Sonny. Are you Alex's cousin?"

He shook her hand and glanced at me. "Um, yeah, something like that." He turned to me. "Dinner's ready."

The three of us walked into the dining room where everyone else was sitting, ready to eat. After a round of awkward introductions, Sonny and I ate with them.

"So, this isn't so bad." Sonny's voice was low and only for me.

I nodded as I watched my family, all engaged in different conversations, all trying to talk louder than the other. "It's a lot less embarrassing than I thought it'd be."

I took a bite of ham and chewed slowly as she responded. "You're right. I was dreading the whole 'You treating our girl right?' speech." She laughed softly. "Maybe it's not coming."

I smiled. "Probably not. I don't think they're threatened by you."

"Oh, so I'm not as intimidating as your boyfriend?" She winked and I knew she was joking, but when I heard that, I felt there was a gently placed hint of aggression.

I rolled my eyes. "Shut up. Shane is not my boyfriend. He just wishes he was." Maybe the words left my mouth because I was annoyed that even the girl I'd slept with was giving me that crap, or because I wanted to tell someone, I don't know, but they fell out of my mouth and I couldn't take them back.

Sonny's fork froze and she looked at me. "Seriously?"

I realized what that meant for her, for Jamie, for Shane. "No. I-um, I mean, I can explain that better…later." I mentally kicked myself as she set her fork down. I felt her eyes on me, but I focused on my plate.

"Alex."

"Can we talk about this after dinner, please?"

She sighed and I heard her fork leave her plate.

I reached for my water and watched in horror as she knocked it right over. "Oh, Alex, I'm so sorry!" She yanked me up from the table as everyone glanced in our direction and made jokes at my expense. "Let me help you clean this up!"

Mouth dangling open, I stumbled into the kitchen, confused. "Why would you do that?"

She threw her hands up. "For a moment alone!" She eyed me. "Now, I need to know, what's the deal with you and Shane? Is Jamie going to get hurt?"

I sighed and grabbed paper towels. "There's no deal between me and Shane. We started hanging out recently and he got a crush on me for the wrong reasons and tried to beg me to date him, but I'm gay. So, in short, Jamie is not going to get hurt by Shane because of me, especially since we're not…friends now. I can't guarantee Shane's decency as a boyfriend, because his last girlfriend—" I paused and sighed. "Didn't ever have anything bad to say about him, but he wasn't right for her, either. So, I don't know what Shane can offer someone."

Her deep brown eyes searched mine.

I glanced at the dining room. "Can I go clean up your mess now?"

She motioned for me to lead the way and I didn't give her time to change her mind. My head buzzed with the nerves; it felt weird opening up to her about anything, especially since I'd originally called her to tell her to leave me alone.

I groaned and tossed the soaking wet paper towels into the trash and headed back into the dining room to finish my meal.

After dinner, my family insisted that we all watch a movie together. Sonny and I sprawled out on the floor in front of the television, while everyone else figured out the seating arrangements on actual furniture.

"After this, are you going to explain to me why Shane doesn't want to be your friend?" She was quiet when she asked and I was quickly becoming impressed with her ability to have side-conversations.

I glanced at the DVD menu screen for _21 Jump Street_. I tilted my head to the side and my dark hair tickled my wrist. "Why would you want me to bring down the post-movie euphoria?"

She rolled her eyes. "I'm serious. If he's being a little bitch about last night…" She shook her head and her eyes grew distant.

"Sonny?"

She re-focused her eyes on me and yawned. "After this movie, you've got a lot to explain, you know that, right?"

I chewed on my lower lip and left her unanswered as someone hit play. The movie engulfed us as Max asked if he could turn off the lights.

Lying on my stomach, staring up at the screen, with Sonny and my family with me felt right. I glanced at her as she laughed and she caught me watching her. She cocked her head slightly, a small smirk on her lips. She raised an eyebrow and inched her hand towards mine, our fingertips lightly touching.


	7. The TellAll

Faded Silhouettes

Thanks for all the reviews. I always appreciate hearing others' thoughts.

7. The Tell-All

"So," she said, folding her arms across her chest. She licked her lips and looked at me with guarded eyes. As we sat in her car and I looked into those chocolate eyes, I realized she looked upset. I wasn't sure if she was hurt that I'd evaded all offers to hang out since school had started back up or if she was upset with me for not opening up to her.

I shivered, as I dropped my eyes from hers. I glanced behind us at the library, where she'd found me doing homework fifteen minutes ago. I wasn't sure if I was shivering from the cold that was slowly seeping into the car or nerves were overriding my muscle control.

"Alex?"

I looked up; I felt guilt oozing out of my pores. I had managed to avoid Sonny for two weeks after New Year's Day. After the movie ended, I'd convinced her we would talk later, when we were both more awake. She complied only because I promised that when we did talk, I'd tell her everything. At the time it had been a lie, but as I opened my mouth, I felt the whole truth pouring out.

"The first day I met Mitchie…" I held nothing back. Every detail that I could think of got included. I told her about knowing I was gay, Mitchie, Shane, the suicide, Harper, everything.

"...And I'm sorry for avoiding you for two weeks. I understand if you're pissed about that." I took a deep breath, trying to catch my breath as I slowed down and realized I'd been talking a mile a minute and hoped she'd understood me.

Sonny stared for a long time. I watched her eyes roam over me for several minutes, before she finally blinked multiple times. I couldn't read the look on her face and I was growing more anxious by the second, but I didn't want to speak again.

She leaned over the console between us and wiped my cheeks off; I hadn't even realized I'd been crying. She ran her tongue over her teeth and I watched her eyes as they looked into mine.

I swallowed and sat there, shaking, waiting for her to say anything.

She let her hand glide from my face down my arm and into my hand. "Wow."

Her breath came out in a puff, 'wow' hung on it, between us.

I nodded, trying to stop my body from vibrating.

Her eyes rolled from me to the early dark of January. She stared at something behind me for a while before finally focusing on me again. "I'm…" She stared at me, her eyes held so much pain and surprise and her mouth hung open as she looked at me. She was making me more nervous than she had before she'd started trying to form sentences. I was waiting for her to be mad, to be angry or upset, or tell me to get out of the car.

She leaned over the console again and wrapped her arms around me. I hugged her in return, while my heart thudded louder in my ears. "I need…to talk to Jamie…"

I jerked away, confused and almost hurt. "Why?" Was she really thinking about Jamie right now? I wasn't sure why, but that bothered me more than any of the things I'd been preparing myself to hear.

"To tell her how much of a douche Shane clearly is."

My first urge was to defend him, but I stopped myself, some other emotion overrode it. Maybe jealousy? I wasn't sure what the jealousy would have been directed towards, though. Blinking, I tried to formulate a sentence, but nothing I wanted to say sounded appropriate and I just stared at her instead.

"Are you okay?"

I blinked, shaking my head, trying to get my head on straight. I blew out a stream of air, watching as it appeared between us in small bursts of white fog. "I just…don't understand why that's your first response."

She already had her phone out, her fingers tapping against the keyboard. "Alex, she's my best friend. I'm obligated to tell her when I know guys are douchebags. If I knew some girl you were trying to date was a complete bitch, I'd tell you, too."

I tasted the cold air as my mouth dangled open. "W-what?"

"I mean, when you're ready to date that is." She didn't even look up from her message.

I slowly closed my mouth, swallowing. "What about…?"

Sonny finished her message before responding. Once she'd put her phone away, she looked up at me. "What about what?"

What was I trying to say? What about us? What about New Year's Eve? What about what? I shrugged, staring at my lap, zipping and unzipping my jacket, as I tried to figure out what I was doing.

"Aex?" Her voice was softer suddenly.

"I guess I thought…you and I…" I shook my head. "I don't honestly know."

Sonny's hand stopped mine from unzipping my jacket again. She held on to it and I looked up. "Maybe we should just be friends for now." She squeezed my hand and bit her lip, her brow was scrunched up and I could tell it was equally hard for her to say these things as it was for me to hear them. "You're really cute and seem really nice, but you've got a lot that I think you're still dealing with and I don't want to get in the way of that."

I shook my head, gripping her hand tighter. Some sort of desperation was driving my actions and I felt stupid as I spoke, but I didn't have control of my mouth. "Sonny, please. I promise, I want to try this. I didn't know it was what I wanted until I started talking to you, but it just feels so right and I'm sure of it. I told you that I don't think I want you because of her or anything like that. You're an entirely different person and the more I look at you, the less you look similar at all. Please, Sonny…please?"

She hugged me tightly to her and I felt her lips pressed to the top of my head. She didn't speak for a long time, but I just stayed buried in her arms, our breathing synced up as we stayed like that, the console between us uncomfortably.

I started crying as I realized I wanted to be pressed up against her and couldn't be, or maybe I was crying because I finally realized that I'd told her everything and here she was, rejecting me in a sense.

"Alex, shhh." She stroked my hair and murmured that it would be okay and I ignored anything she said beyond that, sobbing into her shoulder, trying to pull her closer to me.

She held me until I finally broke the embrace, the need to wipe my nose and eyes overcoming the need to be held. She played with my fingers as I wiped my right sleeve across my face, trying to mop up the flood of feelings.

I sniffled as I stared at her, my eyelashes sticking together.

"How about we just take it easy, okay?" She was still playing with my hand as we sat there, each in our own seat. Our hands rested on her lap as she threaded and unthreaded her fingers through mine. She twisted our fingers in all kinds of ways as she waited for me to respond.

I thought about her words. After crying, I realized, that maybe she had a point, but at the same time, I just wanted someone who wasn't going to walk away from me and I sort of felt like she was in the politest way possible.

I sighed and closed my eyes; I just wanted to sleep.

She shook my hand, effectively moving my whole arm. "Soo, what do you say?"

I opened my eyes and looked at a couple walking by the river, a dog pulling them down the walkway. "I don't know what you mean…what would taking it easy mean?"

She raised her eyebrows and her eyes locked onto mine. "How about we just…get to know each other or something?"

I slid my eyes from hers to the windshield in front of us and watched as a man wandered down the walkway next to the river, sucking on a cigarette. The pillars of light illuminated the path for him and I wondered what his life was like. "Okay."

#

I sat in the art classroom, working on the still life Mrs. B had assigned for the week, watching the clock slowly countdown to my torture. My next class was English with Mr. Potts and Shane Gray. Since my heart-to-heart with Sonny, he'd been more miserable to be around: He shot me extra glares and he'd taken to shoving me into lockers if I was in his way in the halls.

I sighed, trying to get the lighting just right on the grapes. I chewed on my lip and watched the secondhand: Five more minutes. My stomach was in knots, but my hands were still mostly steady. I put away the art supplies and gave up for the remaining three minutes. Mrs. B eyed me, but I ignored her; she had a strict policy about working until the bell rang.

I kept my eyes focused on the ground, trying to make it to Mr. Potts's room before Shane. If I was already in my seat, I wouldn't have to deal with him tripping me on my way to it.

A few people who were already in the room gave me weird looks as I took my seat and I swallowed the nerves clawing their way up my throat. I sat with my eyes focused on my notebook, but I saw them in my peripheral vision. They were looking at me like they were seeing me for the first time; it was complicating the Shane-knots in my stomach.

Shane was late to class, so it was easier to ignore him as he took his seat, which wasn't as close to mine this semester. I felt his eyes on me as I tried to focus on the examples of alliteration that Mr. Potts was discussing.

After class, I got several more glances and I shakily gathered my belongings as slowly as I could, allowing Shane all the time in the world to get out of the classroom. Once he was gone, I quickly made it to my locker, feeling more and more eyes on me as I made it to the next classroom I needed to be in. I ignored the looks; I knew I was being paranoid.

Finally, I sank down onto the floor of my bedroom. My arms were wrapped around my legs so tightly I was sure they'd fuse together; I took several deep breaths, trying to shake the nerves I had been battling since the end of art class. My phone buzzed and I got up and dug through my bag for it.

_Sonny: How was your day?_

I closed my eyes. I didn't have a real answer. I replied with the only word I could think of: weird.

_Sonny: How was it weird?_

Sinking on to the edge of my bed, I stared at the screen, trying to decide if I felt like typing it up. I didn't.

_Sonny: Do you want to come over?_

Glancing at the clock, I yawned. I typed: I think I'm going to take a nap, but after that, sure.

_Sonny: Okay, I'll be here all afternoon._

I smiled as I stretched out on my bed.

A loud knocking woke me. My eyes popped open as the word flew out of my mouth. "What?"

Max poked his head in, a panicked look on his face. "Alex, I need your help with something."

Frowning, I sat up. Max was always so secretive and never talked to me about anything. He always went to Justin, but I always felt left out. I rubbed my eyes, trying to get the sleep out of them. I lifted my arms above my head and reached for the ceiling, feeling my muscles protest and rejoice all at once. "What do you need, Max?"

He stepped fully into my room and pulled a small towel from under his shirt. "I found this today while I was out walking around."

I blinked, looking at the blue towel that was wiggling in his palms. "What is it?"

He lifted the towel and revealed a small, brown dog. My eyes bulged as I saw its little face. It was too small to be an adult dog. "Max, where did you find this?"

"It was in a box next to a dumpster, along with a bunch of other ones. We each took one or two."

I frowned as I reached for the small wrapped animal. He handed me the towel and the pup blinked; it was shaking. "How many were there?"

"I think there were six or seven. Rusty, Zoe, Caleb and I divided them up." He took the puppy from me and stroked its back. "I need help giving it a bath and hiding it from Mom and Dad."

I shook my head. "Dude, no, they'll notice if you have a dog. Just talk to them about it."

He groaned. "Justin said the same thing. Will you at least help me give him a bath?"

"Fine. What do you need me to do? He seems small enough that he wouldn't be unmanageable for one person."

"Well, he keeps trying to play while I'm trying to wash him." I followed Max into the bathroom as he spoke.

I bit my lip and said, "I'll be right back; I'm gonna change into something else."

He nodded as he proceeded to baby-talk the dog.

A half hour later, we had the small dog washed successfully. The puppy whined while Max tried to towel dry him and I watched the two interact. Max glanced at me a couple of times, a weird look in his eyes.

"What?" I said as his eyes caught mine.

He shrugged and shook his head. "Nothing, nothing." His mouth still looked posed, ready to say something else.

"Max, seriously, what?"

He ran his damp hand through his hair and I watched the hair get tangled around his fingers. He blew air from his lips and I watched his puffed out cheeks deflate.

"Max! What?"

"Is it true that Shane's girlfriend was cheating on him… with you?"

I'd always assumed that people who said things _the world broke apart into a million pieces _or _the ground slanted and I thought I'd vomit from the sudden nausea _were just being dramatic, but standing there as Max stared at me, his question stuck in the air between us.

The little puppy licked my fingers and my skin tingled with goose bumps and my eyes stung. "Where did you hear that?"

Max squirmed under my gaze and looked away at my pitchy voice. He shrugged, untangling his fingers from his hair. He ran his hand over the puppy's brown fur. "I heard some people talking at school about it…I didn't think it was true."

Shane fucking Gray. I focused on a point behind Max; I traced the weird warping of the wooden bathroom door with my eyes. I tried to keep my breathing steady as I tried to come up with something to say. Finally, I realized what I wanted to say. "When did you hear this?"

He scratched his head as he kept his eyes on the dog. "I don't know. A few days ago."

My blood froze and I was sure I'd start crying at any moment. It had been a few days since Sonny had weaseled everything out of me, a few days since Sonny had talked to Jamie about Shane and the potential ways he could be an asshole. I'd never found out what she had said to Jamie, but I also hadn't thought to ask after everything else we'd wound up discussing.

I shot out of the bathroom to grab my phone. I had a missed call from Sonny so I called her instead of sending her any text messages.

"Hey, you." She sounded like she was smiling.

"What did you say to Jamie?"

She sighed. "Is this about Shane?"

I shoved my feet into my shoes and grabbed my keys. "I'm coming over. But I need to know, what did you say to Jamie?"

There was a brief pause and I wondered what she was thinking. "I told her that she needed to be careful."

I raised an eyebrow as I started my car. My teeth chattered as I waited for the heater to warm up. "Oh? Is that all? Because Shane basically outted me to the whole school, which would have been fine, but he is making sound like I'm some kind of home-wrecking whore."

Sonny scoffed as I pulled up to a stoplight. The roads were mostly cleared of all wintry storm debris. There was a low groan from her end. "What did he do?"

"He's apparently telling people that Mitchie was cheating on him with me."

She laughed as I accelerated through the green light.

"What are you laughing? I'm so pissed right now!"

"Alex, do you realize that's what was going on? Like, that's exactly what the situation was whether or not you want to acknowledge it like that. At the end of the day, your perfect Mitchie was cheating on someone to be with you. That's the short version, that's the version people are going to hear and all the details are immediately lost."

"Sonny! I need you to be on my side about this! You don't know Shane like I do. I'm sure he's making it sound like 'I broke up with Mitchie because she was cheating on me with some girl' – Mitchie broke up with him, though, so—" I pulled up to her house and found her standing outside on the porch.

I watched her hang up the phone and rush out to my car. She threw my car door open and dragged me up through the front door. We nearly fell down the stairs to the basement. She wrapped her arms around my waist and propelled us onto the bed. She landed on the bed and I was forced to land on her.

"Hey, you." She smiled and let me go, allowing me to crawl off her torso and on to the mattress. "So, as you were saying…Mitchie broke up with him and…"

After our whirlwind entrance, I was slightly dazed. My eyes ran up her body and I felt the growing ache to be closer to her. She was wearing black sweatpants with small pandas scattered along them in various poses, a faded green t-shirt that only said "LIBRE" across the front and her hair was thrown up into a careless ponytail. Somehow, this distracted me enough that I didn't know what I was trying to say, so I just shook my head.

"Alex?"

I blinked and swallowed the abundance of saliva suddenly in my mouth. "I—I just don't want to deal with that stuff, not again…not after all this time." I sighed and closed my eyes. "I don't want people to look at me like that."

She lightly took my fingers in hers and I opened my eyes to look at her. "Yeah. I get that…like, last year at this party, we were playing, something stupid…like spin the bottle or truth or dare, I can't remember, but anyway, I made out with a couple of girls, and several of them had boyfriends or girlfriends, but I didn't know about it…like, I only did it for a game and then suddenly, I was always the girl who made out with people's girlfriends." She rolled on to her side, so that she was facing me. "You can't take it back, but you can get over it. Shane only did it to bother you, if it doesn't bother you, it doesn't do anyone any good to look at you like that." She yawned and looked at me, half of her head obscured by a pillow. "You'll be okay. I promise."

I narrowed my eyes. "How do you know?"

"I'm fine." She smiled and brought my fingers to her lips. "I promise, all of this is going to be behind you once summer break gets here. No one will think about it next year."

I groaned. "I don't want to have to wait until next year." I scooted a little bit closer to her, as I rolled on to my side. Our knees were lightly touching and she was still holding my hand next to her face.


	8. Valentines

Faded Silhouettes

I don't own anything and thank you for the reviews. I always enjoy them.

8. Valentines

January quickly became February and the decorations for Valentine's Day flooded the school. For weeks proceeding the actual holiday, my locker was bombarded with fake love letters from who I could only assume were Shane and maybe his jock friends, because they were having a hard time getting over the fact that I was gay. Or maybe they were having a hard time getting over the fact that I had stolen someone's girlfriend; I hadn't bothered to ask, though.

As I stood at my locker, trying to figure out what books I would need for the weekend, I felt someone hovering around me. I groaned and turned to face the possible hostile.

"Harper." I didn't believe she was actually standing there. She had virtually ignored me since our fight and I hadn't bothered to try reaching out to her. I blinked, squinting at her. "Is it finally your turn to come say something to me? Gonna ask me if I ever fantasized about touching you when we had sleepovers?"

Looking away from her, I braced myself, waiting for her to join the rest of our group's new stance on me, but it didn't come. I lifted my head from the black and white flooring and held her gaze.

Her narrowed eyes never left mine as she shook her head. "Why would you say that?"

Tapping my index finger to my chin, I lifted my eyes to the ceiling. "Oh, I don't know. Maybe because you've ignored me since I tried to talk to you about everything, maybe because you took what I had to say so poorly or maybe because ever since Shane's friends started harassing me, you haven't even tried to tell them to back off. Not at lunch, where I can hear and see you anyway." I'd started sitting a few tables away from them, but I was still acutely aware of their conversations.

Her shoulders dropped. "Okay, that's…fair."

My mouth fell open as my brain tried to make sense of her response. "Fair? It's completely accurate!" Once my bag was stuffed with all the books I would need, I closed my locker and started to talk away.

"Alex."

I paused.

"I…I'm sorry."

Sorry wasn't going to do anything for me at this point. I sighed and resumed walking.

"Alex!"

I spun around and found that she had been following as I almost crashed right into her. "Look, I don't want to fight with you, Harp, but you're still acting like I wro—"

Her lips were soft, but I didn't want to know that. I pushed her away from me and blinked. A dozen emotions flickered across her face, but finally, they landed on hurt.

"Harper, I—I don't like you like that…like at all. I—I'm sorry." I let out a shaky breath and licked my lips. "Are you…the one who has been leaving love letters in my locker?"

She laughed. "God, no. I'm not that gay."

"Wait, so you are gay?"

Her face scrunched up and she shifted on her feet. "I'm not really sure…I guess probably not…I still like guys." She shrugged. "I don't know. Do I have to have a label for myself?"

I shook my head and dropped my bag to the floor. "Um…I'm sorry, Harper." I sighed. "I'm still upset with you for these things…like, kissing me, or confessing you might have romantic feelings for me, that doesn't change anything."

She folded her arms across her chest. "So, we can't even be friends?"

"Well, I mean…I'm not saying that…I just…you hurt my feelings and I feel like you just don't even want to acknowledge that."

She rolled her eyes. "I said I was sorry."

Exhaling heavily, my fingers twisted a chunk of my hair as I thought of how to word this. I felt like 'saying sorry isn't enough' is just stupid and cliché, but it was how I felt…sort of. I tilted my head to the side and studied her stance. I wasn't even sure she meant it. "I need time to forgive you." I bit my lip and swallowed. "And I think I'm not sure you mean it."

I watched her green eyes turn to slits and her nostrils flare. I tried to stop myself from shaking; I hated confrontation so much. She closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. "Okay."

She opened her eyes and they were Harper's again, not the crazy person who had started this conversation with me. She hugged me tightly and I returned it slowly. "I'm sorry, Alex…I really am. I want us to be friends again…like how we were before all of this happened."

I nodded and said, "I want that, too, Harper. I really do. I just think we should still take some time, figure out if we're done being mad and if we're ready to talk and forgive each other, okay?"

Her warm exhale hit my neck and she rested her head on my shoulder. "Okay." She pulled away, nodding. "I'll see you later?"

"Yeah," I said, grabbing my bag off the ground. I walked away before she could stop me.

I called Sonny as soon as I got to my car. It rang a few times before she finally answered.

"Hey, are you busy tonight?" She sounded very excited.

"Uh, not that I know of, why?" I flipped through the book of my CDs, waiting for an opening to tell her about what had just happened.

"Can you be at my house around seven?" I could hear her smile and imagine her pearly whites shining between her soft, pink lips.

I traced the mix CD in front of me. "Sure."

"Awesome. So, why are you calling?"

I bit my lip. "It's a really weird story actually. I wouldn't have guessed this at all…Um, Harper came up to me and kissed me a few minutes ago." I laughed. "I know it sounds crazy, but…it really did happen."

"Oh?" Her voice was curious, but in a polite way. I could tell she didn't want to hear about this.

"Yeah, but I told her I wasn't interested…but I think that bothered her more than she was trying to show." I pushed the "I Love SUMMER!" mix CD into the player and turned the volume to zero.

"Do you like her?" Her tone didn't give me the impression that she was very excited about this, but she wasn't being cold about it.

I tried to ignore her tone as I answered. "Not like that…like, I honestly had never thought about her in a sexual way. She's always had a crush on my older brother Justin, and I don't know…she's really not my type. But it was weird to have to reject her."

Sonny made an affirmative noise and then I heard a loud clank. It sounded like glass breaking.

"Are you okay?" I put her on speaker and pulled out of the parking spot. Leaving the phone on my lap, I maneuvered out of the parking lot altogether and then picked the phone back up. She still hadn't said a word. "Sonny?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I dropped the lid of a candle." She laughed; I didn't miss the nerves in her voice.

I pulled into my driveway and turned the car off. "Are you jealous?"

"Psh, yeah, right. I know if you had ever wanted to date her, you wouldn't have been so freaked out about that kiss."

Frowning, I stared up at my house. "Then why are you being so weird right now?"

She sighed. "I'll see you at seven tonight, Alex." She hung up before I could protest and I was left staring at my phone.

Sonny and I had spent a lot of time together since I'd told her everything. Sometimes we kissed and held hands and acted like a couple and other times, we went days without touching or being affectionate at all. I didn't mind, because I knew neither of us was pursuing anything with anyone else. But conversations that left me feeling like she was jealous confused me.

I tossed my bag next to my desk and sat down at my computer. I had deactivated my social networking profiles, but I'd found a variety of things to do on the Internet that I hadn't when I let certain social networking sites consume my life. I looked up some ideas for Valentine's Day. I hated the holiday, because I felt like it was the only day of the year that showing your partner affection was required and even while doing it, I'd seen enough people complain that it seemed more like an obligation. It was pathetic and I didn't want to need a holiday as an excuse to say I love you to someone I loved.

I wanted to find something fun to do with Sonny for Valentine's Day, but I didn't want it to be cheesy or stupid or too serious. I searched for ideas for a few minutes, but found nothing that really interested me: indoor rock-wall climbing, going to a skating rink or an ice skating rink, dinner and a movie, a small local music show at a coffeeshop, spending the day at a museum…none of it sounded _Sonny_-enough.

I closed my eyes and thought about her. She liked beaches, camping, and bonfires, she loved music: live or not, she liked documentaries and movies from the 90s. She dabbled in DJing and hated dress clothes. Opening my eyes, I knew what I wanted to do.

#

Sonny's mom, Connie, wrapped me into a hug as she answered the door. I smiled into her shoulder. "Hey, Ms. Munroe, is Sonny downstairs?"

"Yes. She's waiting for you." She smiled and let me go. I showed myself to the basement, feeling her bright, smiling eyes following me the whole way. I refrained from giggling, but her mom was adorable when she was around.

"Sonny?" The lights were off as I made my way down to her room.

I felt hands on my hips as I stepped off the last step. "Close your eyes."

I laughed. "I can't see anything anyway."

The warmth of her fingers appeared over my eyes. "Can you just do this for me?" She guided me away from the stairs into the room. I saw light flickering in shadows through the cracks between her fingers and I smelled cinnamon more strongly than usual.

She uncovered my eyes. "Ta-dah!" There was a table-for-two set up in the middle of her room, candles casting shadows around the dark space. Dinner was placed on the table already, a plate in front of both seats.

I wrapped my arms around her waist and buried my face in her shoulder. Smiling against her neck, I kissed her lightly. "This is really sweet, Sonny. Thank you."

I felt her return my embrace at the same time I felt her lips pressed to the side of my head. "Since Valentine's Day is on a Wednesday, I didn't think I'd actually get to see you."

I relaxed into her arms more. I squeezed her slightly and she stroked my hair. I refrained from saying anything, afraid to ruin the moment. "Thank you."

She nodded, mumbling a small 'you're welcome' as she let me go. "I don't know about you, but I'm starving." She pulled out the chair for me, a smirk visible on her lips.

"Thanks." I took the seat and watched her sink into the seat across from me. "Did you cook this yourself?"

She smiled sheepishly. "Mostly, but my mom helped."

I looked down at the plate of food: ham, ravioli, and an assortment of vegetables. "Well, I'm impressed." My cooking skills were minimal and I wasn't used to eating like this on any kind of date.

She took a bite of ham and winked. "Happy Valentine's Day."

#

Valentine's Day at school was obnoxious. The girl who had a locker next to mine had a big heart balloon floating above hers, when people hurried down the hall, the gusts of air pushed it into my way.

I opened my locker door to a flood of love notes and Cupid-Grams. I didn't read any of them, since I didn't care if they were real or fake and if they said 'dyke' or 'fag' in the messages, but since the Cupid-Grams had a roll of Smarties taped to them, I plucked those off and snacked on those.

I tossed the handful of Cupid-Grams and folded pieces of notebook paper in the trashcan, as I walked into the parking lot, happy the day was over. I punched in Sonny's number and listened to it ring as I walked to my car, my bag slung over my shoulder.

"Hey, you," she said. "I was just about to call you."

"How was school?" I unlocked my car and swung my bag into the passenger seat as I dropped into the driver's seat.

"Eh, annoying, mostly. Jamie's all upset since she's not seeing Shane anymore and it's Valentine's Day."

"Oh," I said, starting the car. "I didn't realize she had actually broken it off with him."

"Yeah." Sonny yawned. "I think the stuff I told her made her break up with him."

"What did you say?" I glided through the intersection as the light turned yellow. I'd asked her about this before, but she'd always evaded the question, giving vague answers or ignoring it.

There was a small pause, before she finally sighed. "I just said that he was being a real jackass to you and that she should be careful, because I didn't want to see him treat his girlfriend that way."

As I walked to my front door, I blinked. That wasn't nearly as bad or threatening or ominous as I thought it would be; I was also shocked that she had finally answered the question more fully than before. "Oh." I dropped my bag next to my desk and glanced at the small sack sitting on my desk. "Hey, what are you doing tonight?"

Sonny laughed. "Just homework."

"Well, would you want to meet me at the library for a study date?" I went over to my desk and glanced into the red gift sack one more time. I wasn't even sure she'd like it.

"Sure, is four okay?"

"Yeah," I said, grabbing the bag of Hersey Kisses off my desk and scattering them across my bed, tossing a folded index card in the middle of them. I shoved one handful into the red sack and then stuffed a few more in my jacket pocket before heading to the library.

Once I got to the library, I felt nervous and like my little red bag wasn't enough. I swallowed the fear and walked up behind Sonny as she was walking to the front doors. I wrapped my arms around her waist. "Hey! Come to my car for a minute."

She giggled, twisting around in my embrace, readjusting her messenger bag's strap. "Hey there, Valentine." She ruffled my hair and laced our fingers together as I pulled her to my car. I opened the passenger door for her and I watched her brow furrow. "Where's your backpack? I thought we were studying."

"I got this for you." I held the small sack out for her.

"Alex." She took it as her eyes narrowed.

"Just look first, please." I swallowed the lump of nerves and tried to smile.

She pushed the white and pink tissue paper aside, holding up a Hershey's Kiss, a raised eyebrow accompanied her questioning look.

I smirked, waiting for her to find the real items.

"Alex." Her eyes were wide and her lips had lost their smile as she stared with disbelief. "What is this?" She held up two tickets.

"Well, Everclear is going on tour and I didn't think you'd want to miss it. And I thought you'd want to take someone with you."

She dropped the tickets back into the back and pulled me to her. "Oh my god. Seriously, that is going to be so much fun! Thank you!"

Hugging her, I nodded. "Of course…but there's more in there."

She let go of me, her mouth open. "Alex! Those tickets were probably enough money."

"This didn't cost me that much. The tickets were seriously fifteen each. And the other thing was free." I smiled, gesturing for her to look.

Laughing, her eyes scanned the playlist and she looked up. "What is this?"

"It's all my favorite songs from the nineties." My face felt warmer as she eyed me, then looked again at the list of songs I'd included with the CD.

She giggled. "Oh, wow, I forgot about TLC's 'Waterfalls' and oh gosh! I haven't thought about B*Witched in a long time!" She put it back into the red sack and hugged me again. "You're really sweet, Alex. Thank you."

She pressed her lips to mine and I reflexively put my hands on her hips as I kissed back. Her lips felt so good against mine and I just wanted to do this forever. My heart pounded in my chest and I pulled away, trying to stop the light-headedness taking over my brain.

She smiled. "Did you plan on actually studying with me at all?"

I nodded. "Yeah, after dinner, at my house?" I walked around the car as she stood next to the passenger's door. "I'll follow you to your house. I don't want to leave my car here."

"Okay, but, um, I meant we could get dinner somewhere…I can't really cook more than like, maybe, pasta on a good day."

She laughed. "We can just order a pizza at your house, Alex." She winked and got into her car.

Once we got to my house, I led the way to my room, trying not to look too excited. When we walked in, I froze as petals dropped down from above my door.

Sonny laughed and kissed my cheek as I stood, trying to decide where that came from, because I hadn't rigged that. "What's that?"

I glanced at the paper sitting on the bed, still surrounded by the Hershey's Kisses. "That's for you." I bent down and started picking up the rose petals as Sonny walked over to my bed. I wondered if Justin had added the petals or if maybe my mom had.

"Alex." Her tone startled me, because anger was not one of the reactions I'd expected.

I looked up and found her frowning, hurt in her eyes. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't know asking you that would, um…" I set the fistful of petals on my desk and walked over to her.

She tossed the paper at me and I realized it was a loose-leaf piece of lined paper, not the index card I'd put there originally. I picked it up from the floor and read it. _Alex, be my Valentine? xoHarper_ "Uh." I crumbled up the paper. "No. That's not—no. That's not the note I left for you." I tripped over myself to check the trashcan in my room. I found my index card and handed it to her. "This is for you and the Hershey kisses are for you. I didn't do the petals and that is the first I've seen of that note from Harper." I hurried out of the room; I stopped outside of Justin's room and banged on his door.

"What?" He threw his door open. His hair was sticking up in weird ways and he looked a little crazed. I didn't want to know what his deal was.

"Uh…Hey, did you let Harper in while I was gone?"

"Oh, yeah, she said she was dropping something off for you." He ran his hand through his hair and blew out a breath. He seemed calmer now. "Why?"

"Well, it just ruined my date with Sonny." I stormed off, realizing I'd left her alone. I bumped into her in the hall. "Sonnny." I grabbed her hands. "Please, don't be leaving?"

She gave me a look and I could see the hurt that had been in her eyes after reading Harper's note.

"Sonny." I squeezed her hands. "Can we talk about this please?"

She sighed and pulled me back into my room. "Look, Alex. I have issues with people cheating on me. I've been cheated on before and I thought it was because I was too clingy, too intense…or whatever, but I thought it was something I was doing wrong. I know we're not technically together, but that was me trying not to get too clingy and I just…"

"Look," I said, wrapping my arms around her. I knocked the candies to the floor as I pulled her down onto the bed. "I meant what I said the other day, about Harper not being someone I'm remotely interested in. And honestly, right now, I'm so pissed at her that I can't even think about what I want to do about this. But, right now, I'm here with you and I want this and my index card should prove that."

She took a shaky breath and exhaled and it just as wobbly. She lifted the index card, glancing at it. I glimpsed the thick letters I'd written the night she'd surprised me with the dinner in her room.

I swallowed and echoed the words I watched her eyes skimming over again. "Sonny, will you be my girlfriend?"

She looked up, and suddenly, I wasn't sure if she was going to say yes or not.

I was certain my heart was bruising my rib cage as I waited for her to say anything.

She buried her head in my shoulder and I was surprised at our role reversals tonight. I felt like she was the one who was always put together and I was the one always falling apart, but not tonight.

"Is that a yes or…?"

She lifted her head. She kissed my lips lightly, not staying long enough for me to fully kiss back. She nodded. "Let's order pizza now."

Laughing, I watched her grab her cell phone. "What kind do you want?"

"Pepperoni?"

"Sounds good," I said as she looked up a number and called it. "What's your address again?"

I rattled off the street and house number before getting up heading to the bathroom. I pulled my phone out and dialed Harper's number.

"Hey, so…will you?" She answered on the first ring.

"No." I sighed, moving my head from side to side, watching my eyes move in the mirror. "I'm calling to tell you that what you did was really inappropriate and I don't think I want to be friends with you right now. Like, you need calm down, okay?

I like Sonny, not you…I'm sorry, Harper, but that's just how it is."

She hung up on me and I did my business and walked back into my room to find Sonny popping a piece of chocolate into her mouth as her eyes roamed over a page of the textbook on her lap.

"Hey." She chewed the Kiss up and swallowed. "Where'd you go?"

"Bathroom." My phone vibrated in my hand and I groaned as I looked at the screen. _Harper: You only like her because she looks like Mitchie._ I sighed and deleted the message. "I also called Harper and told her to leave me alone."

"Oh, is that her now?"

I nodded and crawled onto the bed. "Yeah, she just sent me a message saying I only like you because you look like Mitchie…I deleted it though." I peeled the silver foil off one of the Kisses and bit off the pointy tip.

"Alex, I don't want you to think you have to give your friends up for me…"

I shrugged. "I'm not doing it for you, I'm doing it for me. She's being rude to me, and now if that's going to bleed over into what I'm doing with you or other people, that's not okay and she needs to know it."

Sonny stared at me as she unwrapped another piece of chocolate. "Why can't you stand up to Shane like that?"

I froze. Inspecting my teeth marks on the chocolate pinched between my index finger and thumb, I shrugged. "I—I don't know…that's different."

The doorbell rang and she knocked me back onto the bed as I tried to go get it. "I'm paying for it."

I rolled my eyes. "Can't we just split the cost?" I followed her to the front door and shoved a ten-dollar bill into her hand. "Take it!"

She giggled, taking the money I'd shoved at her, as she threw open the front door to pay the pizza delivery person. "Fine."


	9. Unresolved

Faded Silhouettes

Thanks for the reviews; they make me smile.

I'm not too happy with this chapter, but I kind of needed to end it here even though it's shorter than I wanted it to be. Otherwise, the next couple of chapters wouldn't have been their own chapters. And if I didn't post tonight, there wouldn't have been any update until at least next weekend if not two weeks from now, so...I hope it's still enjoyable.

9. Unresolved

I stared out at the steely water and let the crisp breeze sting my eyes. Blinking, I tightened my hood and shoved my hands deeper into my pockets. The metal picnic table was freezing my butt through my jeans. I heard the rustling of the frozen tree branches and the rush of the water carried on the breeze. It was warming up, slightly, but at the river, it was still pretty cold with that breeze off the water.

The more I thought about the situation with Harper, the less it made sense. Her out-of-the-blue kiss, her Valentine's Day stunt, her sudden weirdness with me in general. My breath formed in bursts of fog in front of me and I watched it dissipate as I thought about what to do.

My initial response, telling her to back off and leave me alone, seemed harsh with reflection. I watched a log float along the gray, choppy water. I kind of felt like I needed to talk to Harper; I couldn't rationalize throwing away the friendship over something that I didn't think should even be happening. The log bobbed along the water, going under and reappearing before finally slipping out of my view altogether.

"Mitch, what should I do?" I hadn't talked to her in so long, but Harper's stupid message had made me miss her just a tiny bit too much. I extracted my hands from my pockets and rested my head in them. Feeling my phone vibrate, I sighed. I dug it out of an inside pocket on my jacket and looked at the screen.

_Sonny: Hey, just wanted you to know, you're on my mind. I can't wait to see you tonight. _

I replied and put my phone back into the depths of my jacket. I didn't know why I'd come here today or why I'd lied about what I was doing. I had told Sonny I was spending the day with Max; I didn't know why I hadn't invited her to just sit here with me or tried talking to her about any of it. It had been a week since Valentine's Day, so I assumed my reluctance to discuss Harper with her was partly because we'd just started dating, and I didn't want it to consume us.

I yawned, then watched the clouds lazily drifting along. Another breeze hit me and I realized I hated being out here in the winter. Walking back to my car, I listened to the crunchy, frozen ground, my steps amplified in the silence.

My teeth chattered as I drove aimlessly around town as I waited for the heater to warm up. I drove just to drive, just to think, to be alone. The radio was off; the only melody was the wind rushing against the car and the wheels rolling over the cold pavement.

I still didn't really know what I'd talk to Harper about or how I'd explain anything to Sonny when I pulled into my driveway, but I called Sonny and invited her over anyway.

#

Sonny wrapped her arms around my middle and snuggled into me as we settled into my bed. I reveled in the way her arms felt around me; I'd forgotten what this felt like, to be _this_ close to someone who really cared about me.

"So, how was your day?" She trailed her lips along the edge of my ear as she whispered her question.

I shivered, cuddling closer to her. "It was okay, I guess."

"That's cool." She spoke quietly behind my ear again and I wanted to melt into her and forget about everything I'd been stressed about earlier. "What'd you and Max do?"

I swallowed, as my reverie broke apart. "Um, actually, I—I wound up sitting at the lookout out at the lock and dam, just thinking about some stuff until I got too cold and then I just drove around for a while." The words tumbled out of my mouth in such a rush, I wasn't sure they were coherent.

She shifted so that we were side by side. "What kind of stuff? Do you want to talk about it?"

My tongue ran over my lips; I wasn't sure if it was distributing moisture or searching for it, but it felt independent of my body.

"Alex?" She didn't look nervous or scared or angry, just concerned. She twisted her fingers through mine and a hint of a smile sat on her lips. "You okay?"

"I—I need to talk to Harper about everything, because I don't…I don't understand, like, why she—" I exhaled, trying to push all of the air I could out of my body. I ran my hand over my hair. "I don't understand why she just suddenly had a crush on me, like…I just…it doesn't make sense and, as far as I know, she's never met you, so I'm frustrated that she made the comment comparing you and Mitchie, because I know she's just going off some crap she probably got from Shane or something." I closed my eyes, not wanting to see Sonny's reaction.

I didn't expect lips against mine; my eyes snapped open. I kissed back, but she pulled away.

"Alex." She looked conflicted, but I didn't know why. "Why do you sound nervous about telling me this?"

I ran my fingers over her fingernails; they were glossy with red paint. Why was I nervous? I sighed. "I don't know…I just …I don't want to mess this up with you, just because I need to talk to Harper. It's not necessarily something that would be worth messing things up with you over, and, I just, I don't know."

"I told you that you don't have to give your friends up to be with me. You can talk to her all you want!" She brought my hand to her lips. "Just try not to let her kiss you." She winked and lowered my hand back to the bed before gently meshing our lips together.

#

I sat in the art room, alternating between working on my painting and watching the clock. I usually saw Harper in the hallway before and after English. Since I was dreading going to English and trying to catch Harper afterwards, watching the second hand had become my job from the moment I'd walked into the art room forty minutes ago. I had five more minutes before the bell sounded.

Guiding my thin brush tip along the canvas, I realized the second hand was deafening. How could anyone concentrate in here? As I glanced around the room, I realized everyone was in their own world.

The bell rang and my hand jerked across the page, effectively ruining the painting of the playground I'd been working on from memory. I hurriedly put my stuff away, opting to deal with my messed up artwork tomorrow instead of including it in the stress I was currently under.

After missing my chance to see Harper during the passing period, I got into the English classroom to find Shane Gray sitting in my seat and my heart nearly jumped out of my body. I approached my seat and stood in front of the desk.

He dropped the front legs of my chair back to the floor, and looking me straight in the eye, spoke directly to me for the first time in months. "Alex."

Squinting, I took a step back as he leaned forward on the desk. "What?"

"We need to talk."

Raising an eyebrow, I folded my arms over my chest. "Oh?"

He nodded. "Yes."

I shook my head and moved my hand as he reached for it. "No."

He sighed overdramatically and got up from my desk chair. He tossed a piece of paper at me after I'd taken my seat. I didn't even bother to pick it up. I assumed it was either just an empty paper ball, a written insult, nothing important.

Once class ended, I went searching for Harper without even waiting for Shane to bother me anymore. His sudden need to talk to me was completely confusing, but I doubted he was serious.

I saw Harper's head bobbing down the hall and I reached out and grabbed her arm. "Harper."

She started to jerk away until she realized it was me, then she frowned and tried to shake me off harder.

I couldn't remember why I needed to talk to her as I held onto her tighter. "Stop for a second!" I snapped as she made me stumble a few feet down the hall with her struggling.

"What do you want?"

"I want to know why you suddenly have a crush on me. What happened to planning the wedding with my brother? What about all of your boy-crazed crap in general?"

Her arm went limp, and I loosened my grip as she hung her head. "I don't know, Alex. I just don't know." She pulled away and I let go, watching her walk away.

I sighed and turned around to head back to my locker, but instead I smacked right into the one person I didn't want to see.

"What is this? A full moon?"

Shane took a step back. "Wow, you got crazy fast."

I shoved past him, muttering 'fuck you' as I went. I didn't have time for any more insanity.

After the last bell rang, I rushed to my car without even stopping for any homework. I didn't want to run into anyone else before I could just get to Sonny.

I let out a noise of relief as I saw her number flashing on my phone as I parked in my driveway. "Sonny!"

"Alex!" Her musical laugh graced my ears.

"You are not going to believe this day I had, but first, how was yours?" I unlocked the front door and walked up to my room.

I could imagine her quirked up eyebrow, the smirk faint on her lips. "Oh?"

"Yeah," I said as I dropped my bag next to my desk and tossed myself onto my bed. "How was your day, first?"

"Eh." She sighed and I picked at the edge of my pillow behind my head. "Nothing exciting happened. Jamie says hi, by the way."

"It's been a while since I saw her, tell her sorry about that and hi back."

She laughed. "Okay. So, tell me about your day?"

I sighed. "It's not really that interesting, it's just …unbelievable."

She stayed quiet; I tried to figure out bring up Harper and Shane without feeling guilty.

"I tried to talk to Harper, to ask her that stuff you and I talked about a few nights ago. Then in English class, Shane was sitting in my seat and said we needed to talk…I said no, and tried to ignore him. Then when I did catch up to Harper, she seemed really upset when I asked her my main question and then Shane tried to talk to me again." I rolled my eyes. "It was…I don't know. Maybe you just had to be there." I sighed and twirled my finger around a chunk of my black, straightened hair.

"That sounds like a weird day." She laughed, but it sounded a little strained. "What did Shane want?"

I yawned and rubbed my eyes with the hand not holding the phone. I explained what had happened and Sonny made an affirmative noise and I heard something clanking around. "What are you doing?"

"Lighting candles and blowing them out. Why? What are you doing?"

Giggling, I pressed the phone to my ear harder. "I wish you were here."

"I can come over, you know."

I groaned. "I wish you could, but I have to get a lot of homework done tonight." We hung up after several goodbyes and then I stared at the wall across from me, wondering what it all meant.

#

As the bell rang, I rejoiced. I had a full week of freedom, an entire week to hang out with Sonny uninterrupted. I shoved all my books into my locker; I was thankful I'd actually gotten everything done in study hall.

I grabbed my wallet and keys out of my bag and left my backpack with my books. Walking out to my car, I called Sonny.

Thirty minutes, I was sitting in her room. She was working on a mix on her computer and I was listening to the beats that would burst forth once in a while. I kept myself busy with a Sudoku.

"So," she said, lifting her head from the computer screen. "I want to have a party at some point this week."

I brought my eyes from the number puzzle to hers. "Oh? Cool. Where and when?"

"Well, my mom is going on a business trip Monday through Wednesday, so maybe, Monday night."

"Okay," I said, filling in one of the squares with a three.

"Do you want to help me plan it, or host it, or whatever?" Another beat interrupted us for a few seconds. She fiddled with it for a few minutes and then it was silenced.

"Sure. What do you want me to do?"

She shrugged. "I don't know; we can brainstorm together. Should it be themed or what? Do you want to help with the music or putting together a playlist? Or do you want to find party favors or should it be 'bring your own'?"

The Sudoku lost my attention as I pondered these things. "This sounds like a lot of hard work."

She giggled. "Come on, it'll be fun. I promise."

I sighed. "I don't know. Your last party was…something."

"This is different, no douchebags are invited." Her phone vibrated and I watched her eyes flit over the message. She groaned. "Okay, so maybe, one douchebag might show up."

I frowned.

She tossed her phone to me and I caught it, thankful her couch and computer desk weren't too far apart. I read the message and sighed. "Why is Jamie doing this?" Shane had apparently done something sweet and it had persuaded Jamie to get back together with him.

Sonny shrugged as she walked over to the couch and sat next to me. She tilted her head onto my shoulder. "I don't know, but if he tries to be an asshole to you, I'll punch him and then kick him out." She lifted her head and moved the booklet of Sudoku puzzles and the pencil I'd been using to the ground and crawled onto my lap. "No one messes with my girlfriend and gets away with it."

My smile almost prevented me from kissing her back. "I can take care of myself."

"Except when it comes to Shane." She sighed and kissed me again. "I still don't get that."

"I just…it's different with him."

"How, though?" She draped her arms around my neck and stared at me. "I love that you recognized Harper was out of line, but I wish you could see that Shane is more out of line than she was."

I shrugged. "It's just…different. Can we…" I sighed. "Please, can we not talk about it right now?"

Exhaling, she leaned her head onto my shoulder. "Fine." She kissed my cheek. "Until you figure it out, I'll protect you from him myself, though…unless you decide to stand up to him Monday night."

I closed my eyes and tightened my arms around her.

She pulled away slightly. "Hey, do you think your mom would let you stay the night here?"

I shrugged. "I doubt it, since we're dating…but I'll ask. Maybe since we can't get each other pregnant, she'll be okay with it."

Sonny giggled. "Who says we're doing anything other than sleeping tonight?"


	10. Matching Shirts and a Bloody Nose

Faded Silhouettes

Thanks for the reviews! =)

10. Matching Shirts and a Bloody Nose

I paced Sonny's room while she moved all of her valuables into a trunk situated in the back of her walk-in closet. I bit my thumbnail and glanced at her digital clock; I saw her eyes land on me out of the corner of my eye. I let my arm wrapped around my middle drop and pulled my hand from my mouth as I heard her giggle.

"Chill out, Alex." She grabbed a few more objects from around the room and placed them into the trunk and then reappeared with one of the giant speakers that I knew from New Year's Eve. She kissed the side of my head after she set the speaker in front of her desk.

She produced the second giant speaker and set it next to the first as I sunk into the desk chair. I scrolled absentmindedly through the playlist she'd let me help put together. "I'm just nervous. I'm not going to know anyone here."

She squeezed my shoulder as she walked around the desk and closed the laptop, forcing me to move my hand from the track pad. She leaned against the desk, in the middle of it right in front of me. "I'll introduce you to everyone. Plus, you'll know Jamie."

"Yeah, but she's going to be hanging out with the one person I wish I didn't know!"

Sonny gripped my hands and pulled them both to her mouth. She placed light kisses on my right hand as she positioned my left one on her hip. "I already told Jamie to keep him away from you and I warned her that if he tries anything, he's out immediately." She exhaled heavily as a frown pulled her lips down. "I'm sorry he's coming at all."

I shrugged as I leaned forward, pressing my head to her stomach. "It's not that bad, I guess. He hasn't really tried too much crap at school lately." I couldn't remember any huge offenses since Valentine's Day, but then again, I'd tried to pay everyone at school even less attention since the whole fiasco with Harper.

Her soft body felt warm under the fabric of her white t-shirt with bright red and green swirls around big black letters: LIVE, LAUGH, ALEX. It was an airbrushed that she'd asked an airbrushing booth at the mall to make the week before. I was wearing a matching one, but instead of Alex, it said Sonny. They were her idea, after an extensive conversation concerning how flamboyant we wanted to be. It had been a spur of the moment decision and it was probably the gayest thing I'd ever done, but the whole next several days, we'd spent laughing about them. I only even liked them, because they were a private joke no one could take away from us no matter what happened. I'd never had anything this public and silly with Mitchie; no matter how much time I spent sifting through the memories, there had never been such a public declaration of affection between us.

"Alex?"

I wrapped my arms around Sonny's middle and breathed in the scent of her detergent as I tried to come back to the present.

"You okay?"

I nodded against her body and tugged her forward, forcing her to either disengage the contact or fall back into the seat on top of me. She giggled as she fell into my lap. "You make me happy, Sonny." I held onto her like my life depended on it as I buried my smile in her shoulder.

"You make me happy, too, Alex." I felt her lips brushing over my hair and the pressure of them on my scalp sent warmth through my body. "So, why are you nervous about this party?"

I lifted my head and let her get up as I stood and went back to pacing.

"Alex?"

I ran my hand through my hair. I didn't really know how to explain it. I was nervous about meeting her friends as her girlfriend, especially if any of them had been there at the last party or the time I'd come here with Shane and Jamie and met Sonny for the firs time? What if they didn't like me? What if we got super drunk and made regrettable decisions? What if she got drunk and decided she wanted someone else? I'd seen her kiss the boy on the mouth at New Year's when we'd gone to get the alcohol. What if I got drunk and called her Mitchie? Harper's message had really screwed up the whole moving on thing for me, but I wasn't sliding back into any kind of depression about it. I refused to let that happen, but it didn't mean missing her had completely evaporated. It still happened once in awhile. I sighed and stopped pacing. I settled on the easiest question to ask. "What if your friends don't like me?"

She pulled me into a hug so quickly I didn't even have time to register her walking up to me. "Stop worrying about that right now. I swear, I don't know any assholes."

I let myself give into this embrace. The knots still felt tight in my stomach, but I inhaled deeply, breathing her in and tried to force myself to relax.

"What's up with you? You seemed excited when we were putting the playlist together the other night." She pulled me away from her shoulder, so she could see my face.

I scrunched up my nose and closed my eyes as I stuck out my tongue. Putting my tongue back in my mouth, I sighed. "I don't know. Just last minute nerves, I guess."

She shook her head and kissed my cheek. "Chill, okay?"

I nodded and before I try voicing any of my other questions, the doorbell rang and her eyes widened.

"Oh! I didn't realize it was already time to get the party started!" She let go of me and started plugging in the necessary wires from her laptop to the big speakers and trying to get all of that set up.

I watched her fingers expertly gliding through the steps. "Um, do you want me to get the door?"

"No, I thought we could get it together."

I bit my lip and glanced at my shirt. Our matching shirts seemed a little too gay for this party all of a sudden.

"Hey, can you grab the key to my closet, please? It's on top of my dresser. I want to put it in the guest bedroom upstairs when we get the door." We were going to sleep in the guest room after the party ended, so we didn't have to worry about cleaning up her room before sleeping.

I grabbed the only key not on the keychain sitting on top of her dresser. "Do you want me to grab the rest of these, too?"

"Umm, yes, please." She hit a couple of switches and took the keys from me. She added the closet key to the keychain and separated one of the other keys. "This key is to my mom's room, could you make sure that's locked while I do one more sweep of my room."

I nodded and walked up to the main floor of the house, crossing through the kitchen I stood outside of her mom's room and tried the door. It opened, so I shut it and used the key Sonny had pulled away from the others on the keychain.

As I turned, Sonny's fingers were wrapping around my hands. She shoved the keys into her back pocket and kissed me before smiling and leading me to the front door. "Ready?"

I nodded as she threw the front door open and slung her arm around my shoulders.

Two unfamiliar boys and one unfamiliar girl stood before us. "Hey!" Their voices mixed together as boy with red, shaggy hair held up a brown, paper bag.

"Hey!" Sonny shuffled us aside so they could walk in. "This is my beautiful girlfriend, Alex!" She pulled me closer and kissed my warming cheek. "This is Andy, Lisa, and Dustin. They go to school with me...obviously."

We exchanged 'nice to meet you's' and handshakes and hugs as I tried not to be embarrassed by her introduction.

An hour later, the house was full of people with names I couldn't remember and Sonny had spent most of the time dancing with me downstairs.

Her hands were firmly placed on my hips and she had us moving to the beat of a fast-paced song. "So, it looks like Jamie and Shane still aren't here. I wonder why."

I dropped my head onto her shoulder and sighed. "I don't even want to think about it, Sonny."

She giggled and kissed my ear and the side of my head. "Hey, it's okay. I told you, I'd punch him or whatever."

I lifted my head and shook my head; she looked blurry when I moved my head too fast. I tripped over my feet or maybe hers, but she caught me before we went crashing to the floor.

"Someone's drunk." She laced our fingers together and tugged me out of the middle of the basement. We walked up the steps; I wasn't sure where she was taking me.

Next thing I knew I was smacking into a body and pushing away from the person. "Sorry." My hands were suddenly empty and I wondered where Sonny had gone, but upstairs was so loud and a lot more people were up here than I remembered.

"Alex."

I groaned as I focused on the jackass I'd just apologized to. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here with Jamie."

"Well, duh, but I meant right here, in this spot." I rolled my eyes and tried to get around him, but his hand was on my arm before I could register I wasn't walking forward.

"Shane, let me go." I smacked his hand, but it didn't faze him. I stumbled through the hall of people and tripped onto the porch.

Shane pointed to the front porch steps and I crossed my arms. "No." I turned to go back inside, but he reached for my hand.

"Alex. Just listen to me, okay?"

I was kind of tired of walking, but I really did wonder where Sonny had disappeared to and why she hadn't seen Shane when we'd gotten to the top of the steps. I sat down on the front steps and waited for this to just end. "What on Earth do you have to say to me, Shane Gray?"

He took my hand and I pulled it away, shoving them under my butt, sitting on them so he couldn't try anything else stupid with my limbs.

"Well?" I shivered and closed my eyes, bracing myself for whatever insults he was about to hurl at me.

"Here." He held out his hoodie and I stared at it. "You're obviously cold."

"No. I'm not." I refrained from letting another chill jolt my body.

He sighed and set the jacket in between us; I resisted the urge to pick it up.

"Soo…" He swallowed; it was the only sound between us.

I could hear the music softly floating out the front door and I wondered if Sonny was going to find me out here. I didn't want to be here. "Where's Jamie?"

He shook his head. "Inside."

"Okay. Go find her." I stood up, and almost fell forward before regaining balance and turning to walk inside.

"Alex! Damn it!" His voice was so angry and strangled and something else…I turned around and looked at him. He raked his hands over his hair and it stuck up in strange tufts. He looked strange, like he was stressed or upset; then I realized he looked the way he had when he'd finally re-appeared at school after Mitchie.

I turned and walked back to the front door. He was not my responsibility and he couldn't just act like he was all of a sudden not an asshole. I bumped into another body as I shoved through the front door and was caught into a hug.

"Alex! There you are!"

I wrapped my arms around her as I realized it was Sonny. "Let's just go back downstairs."

"What's up?"

My heart was pounding and I wasn't sure if I was angry or upset or maybe both. "I don't want to talk about it right now."

"SONNY!"

We both turned and looked at the booming voice coming from the kitchen. I recognized Andy's red, shaggy hair from earlier and saw his striped grey and white v-neck bobbing through the people.

"God, why is your whole school here?" I grumbled as I followed her over to Andy in the kitchen. I really didn't understand how she knew so many people or why she let so many people into her house, but I didn't care enough to pursue the topic.

"What's up, Andy?" She grabbed two red Solo cups and filled them with whiskey and Coke and handed one of them to me as she sipped out of the other one.

"Jason's brother Derrick wants to bring a keg, can we put it in the backyard or something?"

She nearly choked on her mouthful. She finished swallowing and coughed before looking at him. "What?"

"Is the backyard okay?"

Someone slapped me on the back, sloshing the drink onto the floor in front of me. "Jason and Derrick are on their way!" Sonny and I turned to see the person who'd just smacked my back; it was Dustin.

"What the fuck?" She laughed, but she still looked a little surprised. She walked out of the room, dialing a number on her cell phone.

I stood there with Andy and Dustin, sipping my drink and trying to think of something to say to them. I swallowed and looked up and they were pouring shots.

"Here!" Dustin smiled and handed me one of the shots.

"Oh, no…I think, I'm good." The whole encounter with Shane had sobered me up just slightly and I'd decided I didn't really want to lose my wits again since he was here.

Dustin's spiky black hair made him look like he'd gotten into a fight with an electrical outlet and his freckles made me wonder if he dyed his hair. "Come on!" His breath was sweet like Mary Jane and I wondered if he had anything on him, but I didn't ask.

I glanced at the doorway to the kitchen, but didn't see Sonny. I turned back to him and bit my lip as I glanced at the amber liquid in the small glass being offered to me. "Okay." I downed the shot and handed the shot glass back to him.

"Dusty! There you are!" Lisa came stumbling into the room and draped herself over him as soon as he was within arm's reach. I stepped back, before it become a group hug, and bumped into Andy who laughed and guided me to the edge of the counter.

I didn't see Sonny for a while; I even wondered for a minute, if she might have left the party. I screwed around with the music downstairs, trying to see if the shift of the playlist would make her appear, but it didn't. I tried dancing alone for a while, but then Shane and Jamie wound up downstairs and I slipped upstairs before Shane could try to abduct me again.

I heard someone yelling about the beer pong game being fixed, because of the angle of the table, and decided that was my cue to step outside. I found Shane's jacket had found its way into the corner of the porch. I grabbed it and put my arms into the sleeves and sipped on my Jack and Coke and watched as people stumbled by me in and out of the house.

"Oh, now you want to wear my jacket."

I nearly spilled my drink as Shane sat down next to me. "Fuck, dude. What do you want?"

He froze again, with his mouth hanging open and his eyes stuck on the ground. He made noises like he was trying to talk, but nothing-comprehensible left his lips. His breath appeared in small, white clouds and he ran his hand through his hair.

I took a long drink from my cup, trying to empty it so I had an excuse to leave.

"I'm really sorry about how shit happened at school. Half of it wasn't my fault, and the other half shouldn't have been my fault." He stared at me like he hadn't expected to say it, and I'm pretty sure I was staring back at him with the same expression.

Once he didn't say anything else, I laughed. "You've got to be kidding me. Like, what the fuck is your problem? Who else would have been behind half of that?"

He exhaled a long, heavy breath that appeared between us as a stream of cold vapor. He made another round of weird, almost words and I wasn't sure if I was trying to drain my cup to excuse myself or if I thought I needed to be drunk to hear him out.

"Any day now." I swirled the contents of my cup and watched waves appear in the dark liquid. The warmth from inside hit me as someone stepped out and walked around us.

"When you fooled around with Sonny, after saying you wouldn't, I was really fucking pissed, but I was really hurt, and…and when I went home, Nate was giving me hell because he caught me crying…and I just…I broke down and talked to him and…I needed you to be the bad guy." He ran his hands through his hair and I finished my drink. "I told him a lot of stuff that I probably shouldn't have…and well, he kind of spread it around and then told me about it…and I was just so mad, Alex, I just…" He shrugged and stared at some point behind me. "I just…I just went with it…and I shouldn't have and I miss you and I miss…" His voice broke and I looked down, into my empty cup.

The droplets clinging to the white sides looked more interesting than his watery eyes. Sonny was right. Why hadn't I been standing up to him? I knew him in ways some of his stupid sports friends probably didn't; I could have been a complete asshole to him right back. I could have given him what he was dishing, but I hadn't and he probably deserved it. It was too late for these apologies; I had spent too much time in misery because of his stupid, spineless move. I set the empty cup next to me on the steps and started tugging at the sleeves of his jacket still warming my arms. "Look, Shane, you can't just expect—"

He grabbed my hands and cut me off. "No, Alex, I don't. I don't expect any of this to just fix the last couple of months, but please, can you just please—"

"What is going on here?"

I looked up and found Sonny standing at the side of the house and I wondered where she'd been.

"I was just trying to apologize to her." Shane let go of my hands and I pulled his jacket off my arms and dropped his hoodie onto the steps as I grabbed my red cup again.

"And I was telling him I didn't accept."

Sonny raised an eyebrow and eyed Shane. "Are you harassing my girl?"

He sighed and shook his head. "No."

She turned her head toward me and looked me up and down. "Alex?"

I glanced at Shane and his eyes were pleading; I looked at Sonny and sighed. "I'm going inside."

I heard her saying something to him, but I didn't catch it. I threw my cup into the kitchen's trashcan and then made my way to the guest bedroom. I sank down in front of the locked door and hoped Sonny had been following me. I dropped my head into my hands and waited for her to find me.

Several minutes later, there was a loud commotion and suddenly the house fell silent. I lifted my head as a group "OHHH" echoed from somewhere. I walked down the hall heading to the kitchen, where I found no one. I glanced outside and found a small crowd on the front lawn; there seemed to be a circle of people and shouting.

A girl's shrill scream sounded and I glanced over my shoulder, wishing it had come from the backyard instead. I pushed the glass door open and walked out to get a better look at the circle. I had a feeling I knew who was in the center, but I wanted to be wrong.

After I pushed through a few people, I found Shane cupping his nose and Jamie shouting at Sonny and ran my tongue over my teeth. I didn't want to get involved in this. I moved back through the crowd and went back to the guest bedroom, wishing Sonny would come inside and just be here with me instead.


	11. Rumors

Faded Silhouettes

Thanks for the reviews.

And also, a heads up: It may be a while until the next update. So, sorry about that.

11. Rumors

"Hey. Alex, I need you to wake up for a minute."

I lifted my head and found Sonny next to me. I blinked a few times, trying to adjust to the lighting; it was dimmer. "Hey." My mouth was very dry as I tried to lick my lips, trying to find any wetness.

"Are you okay? I didn't want you to go to bed drunk."

I nodded. "I just need water."

She produced a red Solo cup; I grimaced. "Just water. And I brought Advil."

I yawned and took the cup from her, but left the small, orangish red pills in her other hand. As I gulped down the water, I realized we were in the guest bedroom and the house seemed quieter. "Where is everyone?"

"Um, I sent everyone home after what happened outside."

"Oh." I wasn't sure if I should ask about her fight with Shane. So, I didn't. "What time is it?"

"Like, one."

"In the morning?"

She laughed as she shifted on the bed. She crossed her legs, into a pretzel-like shape. "Yes."

"Oh. Did I fall asleep?"

"I'm assuming so. I found you lying outside the guest room and moved you from the floor to this bed before I sent everyone home."

I nodded and took another long swallow of the water, trying to decide if I wanted to ask her about Shane. Emptying the cup, I decided I wanted to know. "What happened between you and Shane?"

Sonny sighed. "Were you in the crowd at all?"

"Yes." I handed the cup back to her.

"Do you want more?"

"Um, yeah, I think so." I got off the bed as she did and followed her into the kitchen.

She filled the cup and handed it back to me and we sat down at the table. The trashcan was overflowing and there were still a bunch of cups and empty alcohol bottles lining the kitchen sink.

She sighed and looked at me. "Do I have to recap this for you?"

I nodded. "Please?"

"Well…you walked away and I told Shane to stay away from you and then he told me to mind my own business. I said that your well-being was my business and he said that he was just trying to apologize, and I got pissed because I know how miserable he's been making you and I hated that he just thought saying sorry would fix that and then I just wanted to fight him to make up for all the times I couldn't protect you from him at school." She twirled a chunk of her black hair around her finger and sighed. "So, then I swung at him and missed because he stepped aside, then he shoved me and I tripped backward, off the steps, but took him with me and he hit his face on my shoulder and then next thing I knew, people were around us and everyone thought I'd punched him since his nose was bleeding from hitting my shoulder." She glanced at the shoulder in question. "I still can't decide if he got any blood on my shirt."

I blinked. "I can't decide if this is romantic and causing me to swoon or if I want to be pissed, because I've told you before I don't need you to protect me from him…or anything."

She groaned. "Please, can you just let it be romantic or drunk stupidity?"

"Where were you the whole time I was talking to him anyway? Like, he wouldn't have even approached me if you hadn't ditched me so many times."

"I didn't ditch you!" She got up and got herself a cup of water. "When we came upstairs, I thought you pulled your hand out of mine; I didn't realize it had been an accident. Then you just weren't there when I turned around. Then the second time I believe you're referring to, someone was trying to bring a keg to my house without my consent, I had to call Jason and Derrick and demand that they not bring it. Then it was too late because they were already unloading it and so I stepped outside and decided I'd at least direct the project and make sure it got to the backyard without screwing anything up that my mom would notice."

I drank more of the water and set the cup on the table. "Well." I scoffed, unsure if I was really mad or if I was pretending. I folded my arms over my chest and pouted. "You could have taken me with you."

She set her cup next to mine and draped her arms around me. "Pleaseee don't be mad at me, Alex. I think you're still drunk, because I swear, this is logical if you're sober."

"Well, you're not sober." I tried to shrug her off, but I couldn't shake her.

"I'm more sober than you are." She smothered me in kisses and I dodged all attempts she took to get my mouth. "Alleexx."

"SONNYY." I stood up, causing us to both stumble and trip over the chair. We landed on the kitchen floor, laughing.

"Oh my god, are you okay?" She stroked my hair and held me closer.

"I'm fine." I wiggled in her grasp, but she didn't let go. "I want to sit up."

"And I want you to lie here with me. Can't you just do this one thing for your girlfriend?" She kissed my ear.

I laughed and stopped moving, letting her hold me. I closed my eyes and tried not to think about the nastiness of this floor as she whispered silly things in my ear, ranging from how luscious my hair was to how beautiful I looked tonight.

"Hey," she said, softly. She let go of most of me as she stood up, bringing me to my feet as well. "I know I don't have to protect you…it just sucks to see you…struggle with him."

I filled my cup to the rim and sipped on the water as Sonny leaned along the counter next to me. "Why was Jamie yelling at you?"

"When?"

"In the circle, when it looked like you'd punched Shane." I shifted so that I was facing her instead of the sink.

"Oh." She laughed. "She thought I'd punched him, too." She glanced around the room and then her eyes landed on me. "Are you tired at all?"

"Yes." I wasn't actually sure if I was, but I was tired of continuing this conversation. Then I thought about what saying I was tired meant, having to lie next to her in silence. I sighed and shook my head. "No. Not really."

"Alex, what's wrong?" Her brow was creased and she reached for my fingers.

I stared at the floor as I tried to decide if I really wanted to answer that. "I don't know if I believe you."

"What?" She rubbed her hand up and down my arm. "Alex. Why would I lie?"

I shrugged. "I don't know." I set my cup of water on the counter and wrapped my arms around my middle.

She sighed and tried to pull me into a hug. I moved back, out of her reach. "Alex, seriously, are you still drunk?"

"No. I don't have to be drunk to not believe you." I walked over to the kitchen table and considered sitting down, but decided against it.

She sighed. "Call Shane then."

I turned around to face her again. She was propped against the counter, her arms folded over her chest. "What?"

"Call Shane if you don't believe me."

I blinked and looked at her. She didn't look mad, not even upset; my eyes dropped. I walked back into the guest room and got my phone out of my bag. I looked at my phone and I had a few messages, one was from a number I didn't recognize and two from Shane.

_+1-431-659-3021 (4:40 pm): Hey, it's Jamie. Sonny gave me your number. Have you heard from Shane?_

_ Shane (5:30pm): If I come to Sonny's party tonight, can we please talk?_

_ Shane (12:45am): Alex. I'm sorry._

My phone vibrated in my hand and I closed my eyes briefly, unsure if I wanted to read the incoming message.

_+1-431-659-3021 (1:30am): Hey, Alex, sorry to bother you again, but Shane's not picking up his phone. I know you're not really on the best terms with him right now, but could you please see if he'll answer for you?_

I groaned. Why were they bothering me? Why in the world would Jamie ask me about Shane, twice?

"Well?"

I turned around and found Sonny standing in the doorway. "What?"

"Did you ask him?"

I shook my head. "Not yet. Um, why did you give Jamie my number?"

She shrugged. "I thought she wanted to hang out or something. I don't know. I didn't think it would be a problem. Why? What does that have to do with this?"

I held out my phone. "She's texting me about Shane…and Shane messaged me a couple of times tonight, too."

Sonny grumbled. "Jamie knows you and Shane aren't friends anymore, so I don't understand what that's about. If I knew she was going to do that, I wouldn't have given it to her. I'm sorry." She fell onto the bed, and situated herself on her stomach, peeking over the end of the bed at me.

I shook my head. "I guess it's not really that big of a deal, but um, Shane's messages are kind of bothering me." I sank onto the floor next to the door and leaned against the wall.

"Why? Is he being a dick?"

"No…He's being civil…it's weird."

"Well, try asking him about 'our fight' if he's still awake." Her fingers had air quotes around the words 'our fight' and I rolled my eyes.

I sent him a message, ignoring his other messages. _Hey, Shane, did Sonny punch you tonight?_

The response came instantly. _No, she tried, but missed… I shoved her and we both fell off the steps and I smacked my nose on her shoulder. Can I come over?_

I stared at the message for a really long time and then looked up at Sonny who was picking at her nails. "I believe you."

"Okay." She continued to pick at her nails, not even looking up. "Are you tired now?"

I looked back at my phone and thought about replying. "Shane asked to come over."

She lifted her eyes from her fingers to me. "Why?"

"I don't know." I ran my fingers over the on-screen keyboard, trying to decide what I'd even say back to his message.

"Well, do you want to see him?"

Exhaling, I shrugged. "I don't know. Not really."

"What do you mean by not really?" She looked back at her nails, pulling a hangnail off one of her fingers as she waited for my answer.

I closed my eyes for a moment, then stared at her. "When he was trying to get me to forgive him, it just, like, hit me…I could have stood up to him the whole time he was being a dick and I didn't and…I don't know…I don't want to see him, but I'm curious as to why he wants to see me at two in the morning."

She nodded and slid off the bed and seated herself next to me on the floor. "Well, if you want to hear him out, he's welcome to come here…but only if you want to see him."

I leaned my head on her shoulder as my phone buzzed in my hand. Another message from him.

_Shane (1:54 am): Alex?_

Sonny repeated my name out loud and I looked from the phone to her. "Sooo." She nudged my arm with hers.

I turned my phone off and set it next to my bag. I leaned in and kissed her softly. She went with it, and as I pressed my lips to hers a little harder, I thought of how nice she was and how great she'd been to me. As her fingertips burned circles and infinity signs into my skin, I thought about Mitchie and Shane and our stupid triangle of shit and kissed Sonny harder.

I pulled her up from the floor, my hands firmly placed on her hips. I guided us to the bed and leaned her against the side of it. Our dark hair blended together as I pressed myself against her; the warmth of her skin sent shivers down my back.

My fingers edged their way under the hem of her shirt and I touched her sides so lightly, afraid of the electricity surging there. "You're beautiful." My voice was strangled with awe and I almost felt silly for breaking our silence. My hands wandered up her body, landing on her bra. I felt the silky fabric, looking for the hook.

She giggled as she reached for my hands, bringing them down between us before I could undo the clasp. "Hey," she whispered. "I want the next time we do this kind of stuff to be…special." She leaned her head against my shoulder. "Sorry if that's lame, I just…last time we were both so drunk and, after you told me about all the junk you'd been dealing with at the time, I kind of felt like I took advantage of you…and I just…I want next time to be perfect for both of us."

I nodded and wrapped my arms around her waist, kissing her neck. "Okay. So, what do you want to do instead?"

"How about we just clean up the place if you're not ready to sleep?"

I gave an exaggerated groan. "I guess."

She rolled her eyes and twirled me around to face the door. "Shut it. We can sleep in my room if we do this."

"Oh, your room. Like I care where I sleep."

She laughed. "Alex, you have no idea what you said to me when I picked you up from in front of this room, do you?"

I paled, tripping over myself into the kitchen. "You said I was asleep."

She walked over to the sink and crouched in front of it, pulling out a box of trash bags. "You were, but you were talking."

I closed my eyes as she handed me one. "What did I say?"

"You asked me twice if we were going to my room."

"Oh?" I picked up a stack of red Solo cups from the counter and tossed them into my big, black trash bag.

"Yeah, it was cute. But I was so furious with everyone that I didn't really get to appreciate it. I just told you no, and you asked me again, and I said no again, and then I tossed you onto the bed and locked the door then left to deal with the drunken mess I'd accidentally created." She grabbed two empty glass bottles and they clinked as they fell into the depths of her bag.

I poured the contents of a plastic cup into the sink as I glanced at her. "I thought you said you didn't know any douchebags."

She sighed. "Well, they're just douchebags in different ways, I guess. Derrick almost always crashes parties with kegs when he's home from college." She tilted her head to the side and looked at me strangely.

"What?" Her expression was making me nervous as I grabbed a few gum wrappers off the floor.

"Did you enjoy any of tonight?"

When I looked up again, the strange look was identified as concern and her eyes had something similar to pain in them. I didn't know what to tell her. My night had felt long and weird and confused. "I don't know…I was just drunk and tired." I walked out of the kitchen, deciding that I could pick up all the physical trash and then come back through and wipe down anything that needed to be cleaned.

"Well, I feel like I know you didn't have a good time." Her fingers were on my wrist and she eased the black bag out of my hand. It landed by our feet with a small thud and she pulled me into a hug. "I'm sorry…if I knew you were going to be miserable, I wouldn't have bothered with it."

I shook my head and pulled back from her enough to see her face. "No, it was fine." I squeezed her upper arm. "I just let my nerves get the best of me." I kissed her, trying to change the subject, or at least, divert her attention for a moment.

She kissed back, but quickly ended the kiss. "I said that you didn't have to worry about anything." She stuck her bottom lip out and looked at me with sad eyes. "I wanted you to have a better time than New Year's."

I laughed. "I did."

"But…?" She positioned her hands on my hips and swayed them back and forth.

I rolled my eyes as she continued to rock my hips. "But nothing." I grabbed her hands and stopped her, pulling her closer to me. "Cleaning is really starting to look like seduction."

She kissed the tip of my nose and shook her head. Laughing, she handed me my plastic bag and picked hers back up, too. "Come on, let's just get this done."

I poured all of the cups of water on the elongated dining table into one red cup and tossed the empty ones; I didn't see any slant on this beer pong arena.

#

Sonny collapsed onto her bed next to me. "Wanna stay in bed all day tomorrow and just watch shitty horror movies?"

I turned my head from the ceiling to her. "That's a beautiful idea."

"Really?"

I laughed at her exhausted excitement. She sounded like she really didn't believe me. I nodded. "Yeah, it sounds like a lot of fun."

Grinning, she pushed herself from the bed to the floor and crawled to the bookshelf next to her desk; she grabbed a stack of movies on the bottom row. "We may just be soul mates. Nobody ever wants to just sit around and watch bad movies with me." She dropped the DVD cases next to me on the bed.

I sat up to investigate what she had. I glanced at the boxes and laughed as I went. "Oh my god, these look terrible."

"Well, most of them are really bad. But _Tucker and Dale vs. Evil_ is really funny and _Cabin in the Woods_ is really fun, too."

"Is that the one that's sort of like a horror movie version of _The Hunger Games_?" I scanned the back of the box for _Cabin in the Woods _as I asked my question; I found the answer on the back before she could respond. "Oh, yeah, I remember hearing about this. I wanted to see it!"

"We can start with that one if you want." She smiled and grabbed her laptop.

"Can we start them after we sleep for a while?"

She laughed. "Yeah. And we can even take it upstairs and watch it on the TV up there and lie on the couch all day."

I yawned as a warm feeling spread through my body. I forgot that it didn't matter if anyone walked in on us; we didn't have to hide our relationship from her mom or my family or anyone. I smiled as the bed dipped down on either side of my legs and a weight hovered over me.

Her hair tickled my face as her face stayed a few inches above mine. I opened my eyes and looked into hers. "Hey."

Her voice was low and her smile was soft. I reached up and ran my fingers through her hair, the coconut scent of her shampoo making its way up my nose as I did that. I was impressed the coconut smell was overpowering the potential stenches of beer and sweat. I sighed. "I'm going to need you to stop straddling me if you don't intend to get frisky right now."

She kissed my forehead and dropped onto the bed, pressed up against my left side. "Do you want to change before you get too comfortable?"

I glanced down and realized I was still wearing my skinny jeans. I nodded and rolled off the bed. "I don't want to go back to the guest room, Sonny." I whined and pouted.

She laughed. "Can you just grab some stuff out of my closet? I think I unlocked it earlier before I woke you up, so I could get the Advil out."

I trudged over to the walk-in closet and opened the door. "Do you want shorts or pants?" I grabbed a pair of basketball shorts off of the weird square shelves she was utilizing for organization.

"Whatever you're wearing is fine."

I grabbed a second pair of shorts and tossed them to her before pulling my pants off. Sliding the dark blue shorts up my legs, I walked back to the bed and crawled under the blankets before she could find any other reason for me to get up.

She walked over to the stairs and flicked the light switch, then turned off the bedside lamp that was on the bedside table. I watched her silhouette crawl into the bed; she pressed herself against my back and whispered in my ear. "Good night, Alex."

I smiled as I whispered it back to her.

#

I woke before her the next morning; her arms were wrapped around me and the sun was slanting through the storm window. The rhythm of her breathing was soothing as I lay there. Realizing there was no rush to leave, no disappointment from being left, I smiled and twisted around in her sleepy embrace.

Her eyes fluttered as I repositioned myself, but her breathing stayed slow and even. I traced her face with my eyes, a giant grin spreading from cheek to cheek. I put my hand over my mouth, afraid of my face ripping from the large smile. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the moment, unable to get the wide happiness off my lips.

I heard her breathing change pace for a second, and opened my eyes to see if she was awake.

"Well, good morning, cutie." She rubbed her eyes and smirked. "What's with your Cheshire Cat smile?" She poked my stomach and I flinched.

Giggling, I didn't stop smiling. "I'm just…happy."

She paused to stare at me. "You seem a lot happier right now than, like, the whole time I've known you." She narrowed her eyes. "Did you get laid last night?"

I smacked her arm. "No! My girlfriend wouldn't put out."

She ruffled my hair and shook her head. "That's why I'm asking; who snuck in here?"

Laughing, I rolled my eyes and kissed her ear. "You're insane."

Her fingers tiptoed up my hips to my ribcage. "You're beautiful. So it works out."

I pulled away and held her gaze. "You're beautiful, too, you know?"

She winked. "Oh, I know. We could win hottest couple in Hollywood. Our children would be so gorgeous." Her fingers skimmed over my sides as she pulled me on top of her and kissed my forehead. "Do you want to go upstairs and eat then watch those movies?"

I nodded as I played with her hair. "But can you just carry me there?"

She laughed and said, "Maybe if you get off of me first."

"You put me here!" I rolled to the side, falling onto the bed.

She turned around, her back to the bed. "Come on, get on."

I scrambled to get on her back and wrapped my legs around her torso and my arms were draped loosely around her neck. "You are the absolute best." I kissed the side of her face and then buried my face in her shoulder, her hair tickling my skin.

She took the stack of movies from my hands once we were in the living room and put them on the end table next to the couch, then dropped me onto the cushions.

She stood over me, massaging my scalp. Her fingers twisted around my hair and I rested my head against her stomach. "What do you want to eat, my princess?"

I rolled my eyes, but didn't move. "Whatever you're eating is fine."

After the first movie ended, she stood up and stretched. "Well, now which one?"

I stretched out on the couch and shook my head. "I don't care. Any of them."

She picked up a DVD case labeled _8 Nights of Horror_ and handed it to me. "Do any of these sound okay?"

It was an eight pack of bad movies. I scanned the back of it, and laughed. "Oh, wow. Um, let's watch this." I pointed to one of the titles: _Breadcrumbs_.

She giggled. "Okay."

I looked up from the box as I handed it back to her. "Have you seen these already?"

"Not this one. I just bought this one, like, a week ago." She took the DVD out of its case and set it in the player.

"Oh?" I wondered why she hadn't ever mentioned this weird love for bad horror movies.

"Yeah." She situated herself next to me and I wrapped my arms around her, so she wouldn't fall off the couch.

"That's cool…I just…I'm surprised I didn't know you liked bad scary movies until now."

She squeezed my hand. "We've barely been officially together a month, there's no way you can know everything about me that quickly." She gave a small laugh before she reached for the remote and hit play on the menu screen.

As the movie started, she paused it and twisted her head slightly in order to see me. "Does your mom or dad or someone know where you're at?"

I blinked. "Oh, I guess I should tell them I'll be over here all day." I untangled us and went to find my phone.

Once I turned my phone on, I had an explosion of messages and missed calls: all from my parents, Justin, and Harper.

I started with the ones from Justin and my parents, figuring they'd be more important than whatever Harper had to say. I sat down on the floor of the guest bedroom and listened to the concerned voicemails from my mom and read the annoyed messages from Justin, telling me that Harper had called him seven times within ten minutes and he wasn't ready to get up yet and that I needed to call her back or delete his number from her phone.

I read the messages from Harper and they seemed weird and confusing.

_Harper (10:30am): Hey, where are you? I need to know, like right now._

_ Harper: (10:45am): ALEX! I know we're not on the greatest terms right now, but I'm worried about you and I need to know that you're okay._

_ Harper (11:05am): Alex, Justin isn't answering me either. God, I hope you're okay. _

_ Harper (11:15am): ALEX RUSSO. _

There were nine other messages from her all in the same vein: worried, panicked and completely random. I switched back to my voicemail and decided to listen to her verbal message.

"Alex, I am so sorry. Please, just, I need to know you're okay. Shane isn't and I know you aren't really talking to him anymore, but there's a rumor going around that you were in the car with him when it happened and I just need to know you're okay. Justin isn't answering, so I don't know what hospital they would have taken you to. Shane's family is refusing to give out the information about what hospital he's at right now, and I don't know where else to get that information and god, Alex, if you're alive, just can you please answer me? I know we're not really okay right now, but I need to know you're okay. You still mean a lot to me." Her voice cracked on her last sentence and the message ended as the information sunk in. Something had happened to Shane and people thought I was involved, too.

I ran out of the room. "SONNY!" I stumbled over myself into the living room. "Sonny! Where's your phone? I need you to call Jamie, I need—"

She cut me off as she grabbed my arms and held on to me. "You're shaking. What's going on? Why are you so frantic all of a sudden?"

"I need you to check something." I was confused as to why Jamie hadn't contacted me about this now, but maybe she thought I was involved, too. I didn't know. I wasn't sure what I was doing or why I was in such a rush all of a sudden.

She went at a snail's pace to the basement to get her phone. Sonny skimmed through her phone and bit her lip as her brow furrowed. "Hmm." She held her phone up to me. "Yeah, what's going on exactly?"

I read the messages: all of them were from Jamie.

_Jamie (9:30am): Sonny, omg are you okay?_

_ Jamie (9:35am): I'm going to the hospital around 10:30, do you want to come with me?_

_ Jamie (9:50am): Are you already there? Shane's parents don't want people coming to the hospital. Are you still going? Do Alex's parents care if she has visitors?_

_ Jamie (10:03am): Sonny?_

I stopped reading and looked up. "What the fuck happened last night?"

Sonny shrugged. "I don't know, but I guess we should find out. Get on your Facebook page and see what's going on?"

"I deactivated my account. Let's get on yours."

We down to her room and she logged in on her laptop. The only person on her page who had mentioned anything was Jamie.

_Jamie Armstrong: My boyfriend and his friend could really use your prayers right now. _

Sonny glanced at me. "Maybe we'll have more luck if we look at your account."

I groaned and signed in. Facebook welcomed me back and I ignored its suggestions about taking a tour of the new layout and scrolled through my news feed and found a bunch of posts. Harper, several girls from school who used to hang out with Mitchie and Shane, some of the people I used to sit with at lunch…all of them were "praying for Shane&Alex" and asking for newspaper articles on the situation.

"Well, I guess I should post something saying that I am fine, so they can go back to not caring about me."

Sonny laughed and rubbed my back. "I guess."

I typed up a status, proofread it, and then posted it:

"Attention Everyone Praying For Me: Whatever happened last night with Shane, I wasn't part of it. I am not in the hospital; I didn't even know he was until this afternoon. Last night I was with Sonny at the time of whatever happened with Shane. I don't know how that rumor got started, but I am just fine."


	12. With You

So, surprise, it's early, but also, this means I'm not sure I'll be able to post around Thanksgiving or not. So, we'll see. I just wanted to make sure I updated at some point this month, because I said I would. Personally, I'm not too fond with how this chapter turned out, but what can I do? Not everything can be a masterpiece, so I'll get over it.

I hope you enjoy. Let me know what you think, please! I always appreciate feedback.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.

12. With You

_I sat down on the front porch and looked out at the cars parked along the street. I wondered if the cops would show up tonight. The summer air was muggy and I pushed myself up, already done with being outside._

_Before I could even register that the front door was open, Mitchie wrapped her fingers around my wrist. Wordlessly, she led us to the upstairs bathroom, down the hallway from Jacob's bedroom. With her careless yanking at my arm, I nearly spilled my drink twice._

_The music was pumping through the living room and filling up the entire house; I could hear it from here, even with the door between the sound and me. I'd only even come with Harper to Jacob's house because she'd wanted to hook up with Zeke…and maybe I agreed a little bit, because I'd heard that Shane was going to be here, which I knew meant Mitchie probably would be, too._

"_Alex, will you just stop? Shane _has _to be on to us at the point."_

_I'd spent several songs suggestively dancing with her in front of Shane and everyone else. She was laughing the whole time, but even tipsy, I'd seen the daggers masquerading in her smile. I stayed silent, sipping on my drink._

"_ALEX!" She folded her arms across her chest. "Seriously! How many times have we talked about this?"_

_I continued to take sips from my cup; her words just weren't worth responding to tonight. My eyes fell to the sink as I chewed on the lip of my red Solo cup._

_My cup was knocked from my mouth, the beer spilling down my front. _

"_MITCHIE! What was that?" The cup clattered onto the tile flooring._

"_You're acting like I'm not even talking to you." Her words made my breath catch: was she serious?_

"_Well, why would you suddenly be talking to me when you've been _avoiding_ me all night?" I picked up the cup and tossed it into the small trashcan under the sink._

"_Alex, you _know_ I'm here with Shane. I didn't even invite you here; I wasn't expecting to see you here."_

"_And for some reason, you can't even talk to me in public? Not even as acquaintances or, God forbid, _friends_?" I grabbed the navy blue hand towel next to the sink and started patting my beer soaked shirt, thankful that the shirt was mostly black._

_She let out an exasperated sound and threw her hands up. "Oh my god. How many times do we have to go over this? I can't handle it, Alex. On the dance floor, I couldn't handle it, and I can't handle this, right now. I can't handle you."_

"_But you can handle Shane being all over you while you're not even into it? You can handle someone you don't love loving you, but you can't handle _me_ loving you, because _you love me, too_? You make so much sense, Mitch." I threw the towel onto the counter with more aggression than necessary and reached for the doorknob._

"_Alex." Her fingers were around my wrist again, but this time the touch was tentative, gentle. Her voice was also softer; I could barely hear it over the heavy rap beat seeping into the room. "I'm…I'm sorry. I just…I can't hurt Shane like this."_

_I frowned, pulling away from her touch. "Have a nice life with him, okay?"_

I picked at my nails as the noises from the different machines blended into one headache-inducing beep. I would have reached for Shane's fingers, but I knew they were cold and I knew that I didn't want to think about cold fingers.

I closed my eyes, imagining Mitchie in a coffin, white silky fabric surrounding her as she lie there, pale, cold, in some outfit that her parents had picked out that didn't quite capture her beauty in its full capacity. I wondered what the funeral had been like; I hadn't even asked Shane, not even once.

"Hey, Alex?" Her voice was timid, and I felt bad as I turned to look at her. "Visiting is over for the day." Sonny bit her lip and slowly walked toward me.

I stood and headed to the door; I felt her following me. "Your mom said you could stay with me tonight, if you want...or we can stay at your house."

I sunk into a chair in the waiting room and sighed. I wasn't sure what I wanted, where I wanted to be…I wasn't even sure why I'd spent the entire day sitting in the room with Shane's nearly-dead body. I massaged my eyes, feeling the skin of my eyelids squish under the pressure of my fingers like they were made of Play Dough. If I left tonight, I wouldn't be able to come back here—I already knew that.

I opened my eyes and watched Sonny as she sat in the chair across from me; her eyes were full of nerves. It almost reminded me of something that I couldn't place.

She didn't say anything as her nerves finally dissipated from her brown eyes. She just looked confused, and suddenly, I felt bad. Why was I doing this? Why had I let her figure everything out, let alone allow her to bring me here? Shane and I had been friends, but we weren't anymore, so why did I _care_?

Standing up, I reached for her hand. "We can stay at my house tonight since I've been at yours since Saturday." I tried to look less…shaken or less ghostly, or whatever it was in my appearance that felt off and made her look at me nervously.

A small smirk almost appeared on her lips as she slipped her hand into mine. "Okay. Do you need anything from my house?"

I thought about it for a minute. "Eh, well, maybe. I'll need my toothbrush and stuff…"

She wrapped her arm around my shoulders and pulled me to her. We stepped onto the elevator and she hit the button for the first floor. "So, how are you?"

I sighed. "I don't know." How was I supposed to react to Shane's drunken attempt at suicide? I still wasn't sure if it had been lucky that the early morning jogger had been there as he'd flung himself off the deck of the Riverside Grill or not.

Sonny kissed my temple as the elevator door dinged, letting us know we were at our destination. "Well, I'm here if you need someone to talk to, okay?"

I nodded, blinking away the sudden sting in my eyes. No one had said that to me when Mitchie had done this; it felt weird to hear someone saying the words I'd so desperately needed months ago. "Thanks."

She paused as we stepped through the sliding doors onto the sidewalk. The chilly air of fading winter sent goose bumps spreading across my bare arms; it had been warmer during the day.

Sonny shrugged her jacket off and put it around me. "I'm serious. I know people say a lot of things they don't mean, but I'm here…no matter what. We talk about Shane or we can talk about Mitchie; I'm sure this is reminding you of all of that, too." She hugged me tightly; I nodded into her shoulder.

I didn't have the energy to hug her back, so I just stood there, resting my head against her shoulder, taking slow, even breaths, trying to figure out where my head was.

She traded the hug in for holding my hand and we walked to the car; the sound of sirens and cars on the highway a few blocks over punctuating our silence.

Once we finally got to my house, Justin was sitting in my room; I wondered how long he'd been there, swiveling back and forth in my desk chair.

"Alex, can we talk?"

Exhaling, I plopped down on to my bed. "Justin, can we talk in the morning?"

"Are you going to be here in the morning?"

I stared at him, noticing the fear in his eyes. "What does that mean?"

"Well, if you were secretly seeing Mitchie, and Shane was seeing Mitchie, and she killed herself and he just tried to do the same, it only makes sense to worry that you might eventually try it, too."

I pulled my arms out from under me, so that I wasn't propped up on my elbows and shut my eyes. Some mixture of a laugh and a sigh left my mouth as I tried to picture Mitchie's coffin from earlier, but with me inside instead. "You missed having this talk with me by about eight months, Justin."

I opened my eyes to see Sonny still standing in the doorway, eyeing us. I could tell she was debating whether or not she needed to give us a moment; my eyes followed her as she backed up, shutting the door quietly, leaving us alone.

"Alex, I'm sorry about that…I just really didn't know what to do with you. I tried to be there for you when I could, so you can't say I didn't try. Do you know how hard you were to be around? You wouldn't talk or eat or do _anything_, and then, in the middle of the night, I'd wake up to screaming or loud sobbing, and I wouldn't know if you were awake or asleep or if I should even try to interrupt you." He took a breath and stared at me; his eyes held a pain I'd never seen before. "Max and I talked about sitting down with you several different times, but you just wouldn't come out of your room some weekends or even acknowledge our knocking, and when you would come out, it was always because you had plans with Shane or something."

I blinked. Was he crazy? I hadn't been a complete shut-in while I'd been dealing with all the Mitchie stuff. I really hadn't been like that. "Justin, you're on drugs. That's not at all how I spent my time…like, you and Max basically ignored me."

He threw his hands up. "Believe what you want, but just know, if you want to talk or just need someone to sit with you, we're both here and Mom and Dad are, too."

I bit my lip. How was it possible that I was hearing that for the second time today, when I hadn't received that kind of support before? I just nodded and crawled off my bed. "I'm being rude to Sonny."

I walked downstairs and found Sonny laughing and playing with the small dog Max had convinced me to help him wash ages ago. "You still have that?"

Max and Sonny froze and looked up as I walked into the room. Max got up and hugged me. "Yeah. Mom found out though. She said it was okay to keep him as long as I take care of him by myself."

I sat down next to Sonny on the couch as Justin appeared next to Max. "What'd you name him?"

"Well," Max said, rubbing his hand along his chin. "I think he looks like a Ronnie…or a Derrick. But Justin has been fighting me on those names, so he's still just Pup."

"You can't just name a dog Ronnie or Derrick, Max. Those aren't _dog_ names."

Sonny laughed as the dog jumped into her lap. "Is it a boy or a girl?" She rubbed its sides as it tried to lick her face.

"A boy." Max sat down next to me and I scooted closer to Sonny.

She glanced at me, a small smile on her lips and a question in her eyes.

I smiled back and squeezed her thigh.

"You should name it Steven."

Max snapped his fingers and said, "Yes! That's it! Steven is perfect!"

Justin sighed and hung his head. "Max. Still not a dog name, but whatever, he's your dog, I guess."

Max grinned. "I don't hear any ideas from your side, Justin."

Justin lifted his head. "You should call him something like Galaxy or Space Captain!"

I laughed as the dog pounced out of Sonny's lap onto the floor, scrambling around Justin's feet, barking over his excitement. "Justin, you are such a dork. Those aren't dog names either."

"Then what would you name him, Alex?"

I tried to maintain a straight face as I answered, "Steven."

Sonny laughed, breaking my serious face.

"But seriously, Baxter or Chipper or something."

"See! Those are dog names, Max!"

Max frowned and looked between Justin and me, and then stared at the small dog yapping between us. "I think I'm going to name him Steven."

Justin exhaled heavily as Sonny and I laughed.

#

Sonny ran her fingers through my hair as we lay in my bed. Sunlight had woken us up just as much as Steven had with his nails scratching at the bedroom door at five in the morning.

It was eight now, and we were both wide-awake, yet unready to start the day.

The weight of yesterday was heavier than I wanted it to be, and I hated that. I didn't know what I wanted to say or if I wanted to say anything at all.

Sonny's fingers ran over my scalp, her nails lightly grazing along the soft flesh. She yawned as she slid her hand down my back and wrapped both her arms around me. "Do you want to try sleeping for a little bit longer? No one knows if we're definitely awake yet."

My head rose and fell with each breath she took; the warmth from her stomach fused with my cheek. I started at my phone, sitting on the desk next to the laptop. I didn't know what I wanted, so I sat up. "Do you think Shane is going to be okay?"

Sonny's eyes watched me carefully as she propped herself up against the headrest of the bed. "I don't know. Probably. After his seventy-two hour stint in the hospital, I think it's up to his parents what happens with him, but I don't know. Maybe he'll figure something out if his parents don't?"

I crawled off the bed and looked at my phone. Upon seeing the screen, the words "three new messages" made me cringe. I looked at the unread messages: Harper, Jamie, and Shane. I frowned and glanced at Sonny.

_Harper (2:30am): So…are you still not talking to me? I'd really like to apologize and talk in person, please?_

_Jamie (6:15am): Hey, has Shane tried getting ahold of you? _

_Shane (7:30am): Are you coming to visit me today?_

Sonny motioned for me to come join her on the bed, and I walked over to her and handed her my phone as I curled up next to her. "Can we just go back to sleep now, please?"

I watched her eyes as they scanned the messages. "You're just not going to reply to any of them?"

I shook my head as I rested it in her lap. "Nope. Not yet."

She sighed and stroked my hair before sinking into the bed, forcing me to readjust. Dropping my head onto the pillow next to hers, I watched as she reached for her phone. "I guess I should honestly go see Jamie and hang out with her at some point."

I nodded. "Yeah, that's a good idea." I yawned as I snuggled into the blanket, silently begging the bed to cobble me up.

"Hey, um, yesterday…you said something that really bothered me. I know it's none of my business, and you can say you don't want to talk about it, but it just worried me. I'll respect your decision if you don't want to talk about it, by the way." I heard the sound of her licking her lips.

"What is it?" I opened one eye, trying to see her, because even her breathing sounded nervous.

"Do you think about killing yourself?"

I sighed; I knew it was coming, especially after Justin last night.

"Sorry."

My eyes popped open and I sat up. "You don't have to be sorry. The sigh wasn't…it wasn't for you, specifically…I just know it's going to be a question I get a lot for a while…probably the remainder of the school year, really."

She nodded, but her lips turned into a thin line, as if she was trying to contain any other words that may meet the same response.

"I…thought about it for a while after Mitchie was gone, but I'm really trying to get away from that kind of thinking. It's really addicting, though, because you can think, 'Oh, well, if this doesn't go my way, I can just kill myself and it won't matter anyway.' with just about anything." I ran my hand through my black hair, missing her fingers against my head instead. "But, I don't know…I hated Mitchie so much for what she'd done. I mean, she abandoned me, she didn't give me any kind of warning…I hated how selfish she was being and how stupid her actions were. I wanted to bring her back to life just to punch her in the face and let her know just how much I hated her."

Sonny nodded, and I realized she'd been listening to me attentively, and that it was weird to be able to discuss any of this with anyone, let alone her.

I blew a stream of air out of my mouth and blinked. "I honestly haven't thought about it very much, not since January at least." I shrugged and dropped my eyes to my lap. "With Shane, I kind of feel bad for him, but I don't think this is going to make me feel any differently about how he and I left things…he just was a total jackass to me, and I can't pretend that didn't happen. But I wouldn't wish how I felt when Mitch died on anyone, not even him." I twisted a pinch of blanket between my fingers and realized that was my real question. I looked up. "I guess, I just don't understand _why _he suddenly decided to throw himself into the river. Was it Mitchie-related, was it something else? Is it my fault because I wouldn't see him that night? Why now? Hasn't it been a while?"

Sonny lightly let her hand brush against mine and I laced our fingers together; the small pinch of blanket in my hand discarded. "I'm really sorry." She squeezed my hand. "I can't imagine going through that…Um, so, do you want to go see him today?" She bit her lip.

I shook my head. "I can't see him in there. I know he's conscious and he's just hooked up to everything to make sure his body is actually okay since he was under water for a minute or whatever…and I'm surprised he's conscious really. Yesterday he was so cold. What happened to him over night?"

She laughed. "I have no idea."

"Seriously, what was with yesterday?"

"Well, he was underwater for almost five minutes, Alex. The jogger almost didn't make it…I'm sure a body needs some time to recover from that…and I mean, nobody's still talking about the car rumor, but if he really did drive the car into the river, I'm sure his body was twice as banged up."

I sighed and frowned as we locked eyes. "Well, he's an idiot for doing this…do you think this is why Jamie stayed with him? To try to make him _not_ do this?"

Sonny grimaced. "I really hope not, but she's been so sad since this all happened." She scrolled through her conversation with Jamie, reading the messages to me: they ranged from _Sonny, I feel lost without him _to _I thought I could make him _happy to _Do you think I'm better for him than Mitchie was? Do you think you're better for Alex than she was?_

I ran my tongue over my teeth and thought about getting up to brush them. "It's kind of sad that Jamie kinda has a point that both of you might feel compared to Mitchie…I'm sorry if you feel that way. I really don't…I try not to ever do that…I mean, when I was really deep in the sorrow, everyone from my mom to the squirrels outside were compared to Mitchie, but I've really gotten away from doing that." I put my hands over my mouth, afraid of wrecking my relationship with any more words.

Sonny laughed and patted my blanket-covered knee. "Alex, you're okay. I swear, I'm here, and I'm with you no matter what. I don't care if you need someone to listen to you re-hash Mitchie or if you need someone to give you a backrub, I'm here, okay?" Her brown eyes were warm and her smile was reassuring as she tried to get me to bob my head with hers. "Okay?"

I nodded, a small smile trying to peek out from behind my nerves. "Okay."

"Good!" She pecked my lips and pulled away before I really had a chance to react. "Okay, now, hang on, I'm going to at least reply to Jamie for a minute, since I'm being an awful best friend to her right now…but I'm sure she understands."

I stared vacantly at my comforter; Sonny's words bounced around in my head: _'your perfect Mitchie_' – I looked up and watched as her long, dark hair fell into her face as she sat, bent over her phone, tapping away a response to Jamie. "You know, you're wrong about Mitchie..."

She looked up. "I'm wrong about Mitchie…" Her eyes were narrowed, as if she was trying to find and follow my thought. She let out a small laugh. "What?"

I bit my lip and squeezed my eyes shut. "Like, a while back, you said, that even my perfect Mitchie was cheating on someone and you're wrong, she wasn't perfect."

"Alex." Her tone was surprised but gentle and it forced me to open my eyes. She set her phone done and grabbed my hands. "Hey." She shook her head. "I'm not asking you to shit talk Mitchie, so you can talk to me about her…you can remember however you want, and if she was a great person in your—"

"But she wasn't…I…she didn't want to be with me publicly…she would have killed herself rather than walk out of the closet with me." I roughly ran my tongue over the tips of my teeth, feeling each little ridge dig into the edges of the taste bud-ridden muscle. "I tried to convince her so many times…and I tried so many different things, but I just wasn't _that _important to her…and it sucks to say that out loud, but I think I knew it all along, deep down…I think I've been clinging to her, to all of this for so long and so hard because I didn't want to believe she didn't care about me as much as I cared about her…but I can't…keep lying to myself. She wasn't perfect…She really wasn't." I took a shaky breath and looked up at the ceiling. "And maybe, this is awful, but I almost thought that if Shane really was dead, or dying, that maybe this weight, this memory that I just can't lock up, would finally be gone…I thought maybe, I could be free of all of it if he wasn't around to bother me."

I laughed as I stared at a spot behind her. "And it's stupid that I'm even upset because you are so much better than her, you're so much better than Shane, and you're just…you're honestly...the best person I've ever met." I buried my head in my hands as I shook. I wasn't even sure why I felt like crying, but I knew I didn't want to. "I'm sorry you've gotta deal with any of this."

She enveloped me and tilted us onto the bed; I let her lose us in the blankets and pillows. It felt nice to feel like the rest of the world wasn't there. She took a minute and turned off both of our phones and then dropped them over the side of the bed gently. Snuggling up to me, she kissed my jaw and neck lightly.

We lay under the dilapidated, makeshift fort, breathing the recycled air for a few minutes before she finally spoke. "Alex, I'm really happy that you think so highly of me, but you can't discredit what you had with Mitchie friendship or otherwise or with Shane, even…those were super-important relationships in your life. I had a girlfriend before you and I met, and she'd just recently broken up with me for some other girl and it hurt a lot and I blamed myself for everything that was wrong with our relationship, but, like, maybe three or four months before you walked into my room, I'd started to not care about that girl anymore or what she'd done to me, and I realized it was okay and I could move on and not feel bad about any of the memories that we had…I just had to admit the good and bad to myself and let it be what it was. I was happy in those memories; I didn't want to pretend I hadn't been happy with her, but I didn't want to pretend I could never be happy again. Do you get what I'm saying?"

I blinked, watching her lips as she ran her tongue over them. "I think so."

"Then what do you think I'm saying?"

"That you can be happy with more than just one person in a lifetime."

"Right. Were you happy with Mitchie?"

I paused. "Mostly…but not all the time, no."

"But overall?"

I sighed. "Well, yeah, when she was with me, there was nothing better."

"Then remember the good times, but also remember those bad times and that maybe it's just…for the best to remember the good and bad and be nostalgic once in a while, but moving forward is going to lead to better happiness and better memories."

I inhaled deeply and yawned. "Sonny, I know." I dragged 'know' out for a moment longer than necessary.

"You're allowed to be sad that she's dead and that Shane wants to be dead, just as much as you're allowed to be happy to have known them." She held onto my hand. "And I promise, I'm not nearly as amazing as you think. I really do have to work to be this good." She winked, but it was almost lost under the covers. "But seriously, Alex, all of the feelings you have, they're valid and they count and you're allowed to feel whatever you need to feel and as deeply as you need to feel, okay? You don't have to be embarrassed to have messy emotions; I'll still be here."

I pulled her to me, kissing her softly on the lips. "Sonny, with you, I feel like I can take on the world, and know that you're going to be there…like, to help me with whatever I can't take on by myself. I've never had anyone in my life like you." I buried my face in her shoulder. "Please, just know, you're special to me and I wouldn't kill myself because I know it would affect you. Thank you."

She giggled and ran her fingers up my sides and then back down as she pulled me on top of her. "We are being so gay right now, like, I'm pretty sure we just broke Kinsey's scale."

I laughed, clawing at the covers, as she tickled me. I gasped for air as the cool, fresh air hit my face as we surfaced from underneath the blankets and pillows on my bed. "Sonny!" She held me to her, yet managed to tickle me at the same time.

"Yes?" Her fingers slowed as they reached my hips. She lightly gripped my hips and let me catch my breath.

"Can we invite Jamie to hang out with us?"

"Maybe. Can you talk to Harper to see why she was suddenly in love with you and trying to get it on in the hallway?"

I rolled my eyes as I twisted around so that our stomachs were pressed together. "Oh my god. It was just a kiss, stop being dramatic."

She rubbed my back as I relaxed onto her a little more. "_Fine_. But seriously, I think you should talk to her."

"Why? I think avoiding her has become, like, the one thing I know I'm good at."

Sonny sighed. "Look, it sucks to have your best friend ignore you. I'm pretty sure Jamie is feeling neglected just as much as Harper has been…let's both take a day and hang out with them separately and then maybe, tomorrow we can all hang out…maybe Jamie and Harper will hit it off and they'll stop bothering us altogether."

I laughed. "Jamie's straight, though."

"Get her drunk enough and she'll switch sides if you're cute enough." She stuck out her tongue and I laughed again.

"But seriously, maybe they will click and they can become BFFs and we can sneak off to be alone or something."

I shook my head. "Maybe you're a little more evil than I realized."

She blew air from her nose as she smiled. "What_ever_."


	13. On the Corner of Mulberry and Second

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Faded Silhouettes

13. The Melodrama on the Corner of Mulberry and Second (and Everywhere Else)

Harper sat across from me in the coffee shop, sipping on her steaming drink.

"I'm so glad you called. All this crap with Shane really made me hate how we left things last." She twisted the cup in her hands; her eyes were on me, and a weird look kept flickering onto her features.

I cleared my throat and licked my lips, before slowly responding. "Yeah."

"I want to just say I'm sorry for how things happened."

I raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean 'how things happened'?" I couldn't decide if she meant with Shane or with her.

She exhaled heavily and took another sip of her drinking, still watching me. "You know, that stupid day in the hallway where I got all desperate and tried to date you just to have you in my life." She set her cup down on the table between us and laughed. "I'm glad we can put that behind us."

My mouth opened slightly as I processed her words. "Wait, what does that mean?"

She looked at me, suddenly guilt rushed onto her face and she ducked her head. Hiding between her fingers, her voice was muffled by embarrassment and her palms. "Well, I didn't really want to date you. Like, I still only like guys, and I just said that to try to get you to be my best friend again and I just…I just missed you."

I blinked as my mouth stayed parted. I ran my tongue over the tips of my teeth and narrowed my eyes. "That isn't okay, Harper. Like, that's really fucked up." I pushed my chair out and walked toward the exit.

I got outside as her fingers gripped my wrist and her voice hit my ears. "Alex! At least hear me out!"

We stood outside the stupid vegan coffee shop she'd been trying to get me to go to for years as she stared at me. I couldn't even figure out why her confession had pissed me off so much, but it had. I laughed and twisted my wrist free. "What were you going to do if I actually had feelings for you that you didn't know about? What were you going to do if we actually started dating? Were you just going to lie about it for the rest of our lives or would you have been like 'oh, just kidding, I was trying to get you to talk to me again. I don't actually like you.' Like where did you see that going, Harper?" I ran my hand through my hair and took a step away from her. "You could have just told me, 'Hey, you're neglecting our friendship. Can we work on that?' You know? Fucking with my emotions was somehow option number one, how, why…what were you thinking?"

Harper stood there, her lips pressed into a thin line, while I shouted at her on a downtown corner outside of the low-key vegan shop. The two cars at the four way stop passed by and I laughed: this had to look ridiculous and overdramatic.

I threw my hands up and sighed. "I don't even care, Harper. At this point, I just don't even understand what's even going on, but you sound like you've just been a bad friend because of some sort of weird jealousy or desperation and I don't get that. So, I'm going to go ahead and leave, because I really don't think I want to hear anymore about this."

She blinked repeatedly and I turned to walk away before any tears leaked out of either of our faces.

Once I got home, I sat in my room and stared at my ceiling for a long time. I had no idea what I was doing. I thought about going to see Shane since he apparently had his phone and was conscious, but I couldn't stand the idea of seeing him in the hospital—no matter how curious about his sudden change in demeanor and the speed in healing.

I glanced at my laptop and decided to get on the Internet for the first time in a long time. I yawned as I typed in my password and reactivated my Facebook page for the second time this week. I browsed through a lot of old photos in my locked albums: they were mostly of Mitchie and me, but some were of Harper and me, though.

I thought about what Sonny had said yesterday, chewed on the inside of my cheek as I scanned the photos of Harper. None of them suggested any kind of feeling between us other than friendship. On my drive home, I'd thought about why I'd gotten so mad in the first place with her explanation for kissing me and acting so weird. I'd narrowed it down to several things: one: I was either upset because she wasn't actually in love with me, two: I was pissed because she'd lied and tried to toy with my emotions just to regain our friendship/my attention, or three: she was lying about not being in love with me and I was pissed that she thought she could just change her story all of a sudden.

I didn't know which was the real reason I'd stormed off, but I thought those were some of the more likely possibilities. I highly doubted the first one, but who knew? I'd never even let myself think about Harper in that way, so I wasn't ruling that one out so quickly.

I examined the photos of us as I went through the album. Her body language, mine, none of it suggested anything but platonic feelings. None of them looked remotely similar to the photos I had with Mitchie. Sighing, I reached for my phone and scrolled through the photos Sonny and I had taken together. I shifted my attention from Harper to Sonny and Mitchie and realized there were differences in those.

I puzzled over that for a moment. I didn't understand how I could be in love in both photos and look differently…I thought I'd look "in love" the same way, no matter who the other person was. I put the phone down as I clicked on a different photo, bringing up one with Harper; she might as well have been my sister.

I couldn't decide between options two and three, so I logged out of my Facebook account and crawled back into my bed.

#

I woke to a weight behind me. I tried to twist around to see who it was, but they held me in place.

"Can we just stay here and never leave again?" Sonny buried her face between my shoulder blades as her arm threaded through mine.

"What happened with Jamie?" I cleared my throat and reached up to wipe the sleep from my eyes.

The warmth of her exhale heated the patch of skin closest to her mouth and nose. "Awful. She begged me to go to the hospital with her to see Shane and so we got up to the area he was in—he's been moved to a different room by the way, because apparently late last night, or early this morning, something changed in his stats and they're not worried about him dying now. Don't ask me what, because I don't know. Apparently, he was only unconscious to begin with because they had him sedated, though, so I guess that explains why he was awake, but it doesn't explain why they let him have his phone…" She yawned. "They stopped giving him the sedatives. I don't know if that was a good idea, but whatever. Anyway! She was so upset that I haven't been there for her, and she kept saying you stole me, and she wouldn't stop with her melodrama long enough to explain what was really going on. I don't know what her deal was or why she was trying to blame you for me not being around…I think something else had her high-strung and you were just the easiest target to take out that pent up, unmanaged anger."

She pulled me against her tighter, and trailed kisses up the nape of my neck. "But I didn't want her to stand there and bash you like that or blame you for my actions, so I started getting defensive like an idiot instead of asking her what was really wrong and…then one thing led to another and I was livid and had to leave before I started really going off on her about what I thought about Shane and his behavior as of late and so, I don't know. The entire drive over here I was just thinking, 'wow, I could've handled that so much better than I did' so I guess I'll take that and try to remember it for next time, and chalk this up to one of the worse moments in our friendship."

I ran my fingers over hers, feeling the bones of her knuckles through her skin. "Wow. My day with Harper kind of sucked in a similar way. I'm sorry, because I wouldn't have wished that stupidity on anyone else." I was a little disappointed that our friends were both proving to be such ass hats, but I didn't really know what to do.

"What happened with her?"

I sighed as I rolled over to face her. I recounted the whole day to her.

She laughed and kissed my nose. "Wow. Well…that's awesome."

My eyes traced each of her features and I thought about the photos of us on my phone and the ones of Mitchie and me. Something about the ones with Sonny made me like them more, but I couldn't decide what it was.

Her brown eyes were warm and bright as she smirked. "What are you thinking?"

She tickled my sides and I flinched, trying to squirm out of her grasp, even though I didn't want her to stop touching me.

"Nothing." I giggled as her fingers prodded my sides gently, her nails dragged up from my hips to my armpits.

Her fingers wedged their way under my secure arms. "Oh? It didn't look like nothing!"

I buried my face in her chest. "Stop." I whined, twisting in another attempt to escape her fiendish fingers, without escaping her.

"Tell me what you were thinking." She mimicked my whine as she pulled me up against her, pressing her front into my back. She said my name, but it sounded more like "Alecks" instead of "Alex" and I couldn't help but laugh lightly.

"I was just…trying to figure out something that happened with Harper today and something I was doing earlier made me think of you and me and just…how I feel about you."

"Oh? Do elaborate."

I shook my head. "Not today."

"It's actually, like, six or seven." She shifted slightly and I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling.

"I don't remember it even becoming two, wow. I didn't even know I'd fall asleep. I was just thinking and I guess, mainly, the subject matter was just heavy and exhausting!" I pounded my fists weakly against the mattress. "So, dumb, Sonny. You have no idea. Actually, maybe you do, but still. It was so dumb today."

"What happened?" She nudged my arm as she turned her head from the ceiling to me. "You still haven't said."

I groaned. "Well, Harper said she didn't kiss me because she was in love with me. She said she only did that to try to get her best friend back. It was really fucked up and I didn't know what to think, or do, so I was mad and said some things and left. But on the drive home, I thought about reasons why I reacted like that and started looking at old pictures, trying to look into it some more…I don't know. Either way, it just was a disaster. I don't really want to talk about it right now."

She squeezed my hand and kissed my cheek.

I opened my eyes and turned my head. I loved her eyes so much; we both had brown eyes, yet her eyes were a lighter shade of brown and they didn't have the black ring around the outside of the brown like mine did.

She smiled. "So, what do you want to do tonight?"

My eyes lingered on her lips and wanted to find the energy to lift my body and close the gap between us.

"Besides that." She winked.

A smirk on her lips brought me back to her eyes. "Why?"

"Because, it's not right yet." She pulled herself into a semi-propped up position, her elbows holding her up. "I mean, really do you _feel_ like is how you want to feel right before you get in my pants sober for the first time?"

I laughed, looking up at her. After the days we'd just had, I understood what she was saying. "No, not really."

"Okay, then. Soo," she said, trailing her fingers up my side. She messed up my hair and pressed her lips to mine gently. "What do you want to do besides that? Assuming that after your nap, you are energized."

#

I avoided the hospital for the rest of break and ignored any messages from Shane and Harper. I was still figuring out what I wanted to do about Harper and I didn't really know what to do with Shane.

As I sat in my car, I watched people heading from the parking lot up to the school and I dreaded walking through those doors. I licked my lips and glanced in the rear view mirror, checking to see if I had any hairs out of place or anything in my teeth. "Just a few more weeks and then it's summer." I stared into my own eyes and blinked.

I pulled the front door to the school open and kept my eyes down, but I didn't need to see them to be crushed by the discomfort of any hushed whispers that followed me to my locker.

"Alex, look, I just want to say I'm sorry."

I groaned. "Look, Harper, can we just not do this right now?"

"Well, I just want you to know that I am sorry and that I understand what I did was really shitty and I'm sorry that our friendship has gotten so screwed up." Her voice wasn't combative and that made me want to look at her.

As I shut my locker, I turned to face her. The same look she'd worn as I yelled at her a few days ago was painted across her features and I narrowed my eyes. She really did look like she was sorry and for some reason, that surprised me.

I shifted my weight from one leg to the other. "Look, Harp, sometimes, friendships just…they don't go the way you think they will, and maybe some day we can be close again, but I don't feel like I can trust you right now. I stressed over you liking me for a while, and then you didn't talk to me or stick up for me when Shane and his friends were being dicks to me, and now you're telling me you lied about ever having feelings for me, and that you were only trying to get our friendship back was just…the worst reason I could ever imagine coming out of your mouth...like, I don't even know which part of everything I'm upset about the most." I shifted my gaze to a point behind her and then caught the eyes of someone who sat at the other end of our lunch table; I closed my eyes, realizing I didn't want to look at anyone. "It's like you say, I did this for our friendship, but then everything you did after that was like…you didn't want to be friends or something…you just…you weren't there for me when I needed you, Harp, so why should I believe you?"

The bell rang and I sighed. Walking away, I forgot to keep my eyes on the ground and saw the look in a few girls' eyes. It was the same look they'd given Shane after everything with Mitchie. I turned right into the girls' bathroom instead of going left into the classroom; I was going to be so late.

I sat down on the toilet and pulled my phone out of my bag. I dialed Sonny's phone several times before finally just texting her. _I don't want to be here today. _

I waited a few minutes, contemplated skipping class, and then stood. I put the phone in my front pocket and walked across the hall into the art room. The final bell rang as my chair and I collided.

When English finally rolled around, I decided to go to the nurse instead of going to class. I was lying on my back, pretending the cot wasn't as uncomfortable as it was, when I heard my name pulling me from my half-awake state.

"Alex Russo, you're wanted in the principal's office."

I ignored it, hoping it would go away.

Whoever it was tried again, and this time, a hand fell onto my shoulder.

I opened an eye and tried to figure out how important the person was: the nurse herself. I sighed and opened my other eye. "What does he want?"

"You'll have to go talk to him to find that out." She laughed. "You can leave your bag here, I don't think it'll take too long."

I groaned. "I didn't even skip class this morning."

She smiled and went to help the student who had just walked in as I trudged down the hall to Mr. Laritate's office.

"Ah, Alex. Come in, come in." I'd avoided visiting this office too much this year, because I hadn't wanted too many extra questions about Mitchie. After Shane outted me to the school—or well, Nate, I guess—I had expected something to come of it, but it hadn't, not even the counselor had called me down for a chat.

"Mr. Laritate, what's up?" I walked in and took my usual seat. It was still as comfortable as I remembered it to be.

"So, I've been hearing things all year, but I didn't think too much of it. But now that such a tragic situation has happened with Shane Gray, I assumed it was time we talk." He folded his hands together and placed them on his big, round belly as he leaned back in his chair.

"Okay." I shifted in the seat, mimicking his posture.

"So, when we lost Mitchie, and the grief counselor talked to you, you said you didn't know her very well. And I've been hearing rumors in the last several weeks about you and Mitchie and, well, you know." He cleared his throat as his face slowly reddened. He fidgeted with his tie and coughed. "And as Shane Gray and Ms. Torres were an item, publicly at least," he coughed again. "I just wanted to check in with you. I know you and Mr. Gray didn't," he fiddled with his tie and his eyes wouldn't land on me. "But I just wanted to make sure, do you need…any attention?"

I ran my thumb over the edge of the armrest and stared at the subtle seams on the upholstering; the deep brown of the chair hid the seams pretty well. I thought about everything that had happened this year, about everything that happened over the breaks.

"I guess the main point of this visit is to just ask: How are you?"

His voice cut through my thoughts and I sighed. "I don't know, Mr. Laritate. I really don't know."

"Do you need to talk to anyone?"

I frowned. "Like a counselor?"

"Right." His eyes finally stuck on me.

I thought about it for a moment and then finally said, "No." I let out a small sigh that almost could have been a laugh. "Everyone acts like Shane's attempt is weighing on me, but I really don't feel like it is. He wasn't in his right mind and just because I didn't want to see him that night doesn't mean I blame myself. We hadn't been friends for months, and so it really isn't my fault and I don't feel like I should stress about it. Whatever his reason for throwing himself into the river was, I know it wasn't me. Or it shouldn't have been about me, so I don't feel guilty or upset about anything in particular, especially since he's still alive."

I stood up and paced around the office, pausing to run my fingers over his rodeo trophies. I looked at Mr. Laritate, holding one of the trophies, and shrugged.

"You sure you're not upset, because you're acting like it." He looked nervous, but understanding.

I set the trophy down and grabbed the cowboy hat from his coat rack in the corner. "I hate how everyone is looking at me. I keep running into people who are giving me this stupid look, like I killed someone or like…the day everyone stared at Shane after Mitchie died. I hate that look. And I'm just tired of being here and dealing with all this crap." I adjusted the hat on my head, covering my face. "Can I just please go home for the rest of the day? Please, Mr. Laritate?"

There was silence as I waited for his verdict.

"Are you going to hurt yourself if I let you go home?"

I lifted the hat and stared at him. "I'm already sick of that question, sir. If I were going to off myself, I would have done it after Mitchie did it. I'm not going to suddenly do it, because the guy who was dating my girlfriend, then liked me for a minute, then was a dick to me tried to do it. Can I please just go home, sir?"

He took a few steps closer and clamped a hand on my shoulder, and looked me in the eye. "Take a few days off, Russo. But promise me, on one of those days, you'll talk to a professional, okay?"

I blinked as a giddy feeling started to fill my heart. "So, I can have the whole week off?"

"Come back on Friday."

My heart fell just a little, but I was still mostly dumbfounded by his words. "Okay." He removed his hand and I walked to the door of his office and turned around. "Hey, um, thanks."

He nodded and I hurried away before he could change his mind.


	14. Secret Lives

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Faded Silhouettes

For Alexa & her killer dedication, even though I'm not posting this at 3 am.

14. Secret Lives

After I left Laritate's office, I went to the overlook and sat on the metal picnic table and watched the water shining in the early spring sunlight. As I listened to the chirping birds and the buzzing of insects, I mulled everything over.

While Harper had been one of my best friends for such a long time, she wasn't turning out to be a good friend at this point. It seemed so out of character for her, but then again, I hadn't noticed who she was becoming while I was wrapped up in my secret life with Mitchie and then with everything that followed. It bothered me that I'd been such an awful friend to her, without even realizing, but it also bothered me that she didn't even try to approach me about it (or at least, not that I could remember). It also troubled me that we still pretended nothing had changed, when I couldn't even figure out how Harper spent her weekends anymore: We hadn't hung out much since Mitchie checked out, and we definitely hadn't been hanging out too much near the end of summer either, so what had we been doing? Were we going along for months acting like things were the same? I couldn't decide how we'd gotten to this point or what to think of that. I wasn't sure it was something we could fix, especially at this point, since things had gotten so weird and messed up and she didn't seem like someone I still wanted to be around.

It sucked to think that maybe what I'd been telling her about our friendship just being at its end, running its course…I hadn't thought I was being _that serious_, but maybe that really was the situation.

I yawned and stretched out on the picnic table, bunching my hood up so it could act as a pillow. I stared up at the sky overhead, the buds of the early blooming trees and still barren tree branches framing it the light blue hues.

The sun wasn't so high at this point, and it felt nice to have the warmth of it without the blinding brightness. All my Harper thoughts were bumming me out, because I was realizing that I'd lost more friends than I'd noticed. I really hadn't talked to anyone besides Mitchie, Shane and Harper in the last year or so, and suddenly, all of them were either dead or just …not who they'd been. I let my mind wander from the depressing crap; I thought about Sonny and what I wanted to tell her. I'd been thinking about it since yesterday and I knew I really did want to say it.

It was just a matter of how I wanted to say it and when. I knew right now in the middle of all of this crazy was probably one of the worst options, but I didn't want to put it off.

A bird flew overhead and I flinched, afraid it would drop a load on me; it didn't. I let out a small breath and sat up as I realized I could probably ask Shane about Harper. I gnawed at the inside of my lower lip and weighed the pros and cons of going to see Shane as I hopped off the table and headed to my car.

I paused as the engine grumbled as I woke it. Where was Shane at this point? I groaned as I dialed his number.

It rang twice before he answered. "Alex?"

My throat felt like it had just closed up. I coughed and said, "Yeah, hey, where are you?"

"My house. Why?"

I stared over the steering wheel; the picnic table I'd just vacated calling my name. A small bird landed on it and swiveled its head a few times, hopped around and then took off again. I licked my lips. "Can I come over?"

"Oh. Um, sure." He cleared his throat. "But um, my dad's home."

I started driving down the thin, winding path to the main road; I didn't understand why he was telling me that. "Okay. I'll be there in a few minutes. I'm coming from the river, so…however long that takes."

He laughed. "About five minutes or less."

#

Once I got to Shane's house, I understood why he'd told me his dad was home; he wasn't "allowed" to be alone. We sat in the living room and I sipped from the cup of water his dad had offered me upon walking through the front door.

An awkward silence was settling over us, as his father was flipping through channels. He seemed like he was doing his best to ignore whatever we were doing, but it didn't make me any more comfortable.

Finally, I cleared my throat and jumped in. "Um, can I ask you something?"

"Yeah, sure." He spun the hospital bracelet that was still around his wrist. I wondered why he hadn't taken it off yet. He'd been out since Thursday or Friday; it was Monday.

"Um, who has Harper been hanging out with?" I kept my eyes on my cup; a rush of nerves rumbled through my ears. I could feel his eyes on me, but I focused on the cup and my shoes and the drink coasters sitting on coffee table in front of us.

"Like, recently?"

I nodded. "Yeah, since, um, that night we were all at Jacob's house last summer or any time after that really." I took a long gulp from my cup and felt the cold liquid freeze my insides; I shivered slightly.

"Well, I guess, Zeke, and Shanya, and …you maybe? And your brother when Zeke hangs around him, I guess? And Allison, Kyla and Jacob. I don't know. Why?" He shifted on the couch and I looked up. He was picking at a spot of dry skin on his exposed knee.

"Thanks." I stared at the television as an advertisement for a vacuum forced his dad to change the channel. "So, um, how are you?"

Sighing, he tugged at his gym shorts, covering his pale, hairy thigh. He laughed. "Well, you know. I'm just kind of doing this."

"Are you going to be back at school soon?"

He nodded. "Yeah. But, because of my blood alcohol content, I have to do some rehab classes or something...and because I jumped into the river, I have to go to a counselor regularly. And I'm basically grounded for the whole summer."

His dad muted the TV and said, "Shane! You're exaggerating."

Shane sighed dramatically. "Fine. I've got a very strict schedule and there are a lot of restrictions on my social life." He rolled his eyes as his dad unmuted the TV and went back to looking at the on-screen TV guide options. Shane grabbed his phone off the table and hurriedly typed something and put it back down.

My phone buzzed and I glanced at it. _I'm definitely grounded lol_

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "So, when will you come back to school?"

He scratched at the plastic wristband and shrugged. "After I meet with the rehab people and the counselor there…but that won't be until tomorrow probably. They have to evaluate me and make sure I'm not a danger to anyone else or myself or something." He rubbed his temples and groaned. He grabbed his phone again.

_Seriously, WORST DRUNKEN MISTAKE EVER. _

I narrowed my eyes at the message and typed back: _So it was a mistake? …or an accident? Or…did you mean to succeed?_

He picked at his teeth for a minute and then set his phone down on the table.

I frowned and felt my shoulders fall; I hadn't realized I'd been tensed up.

Suddenly, Shane leaned forward and pushed himself off the couch. He readjusted his light blue t-shirt and his black and white shorts as he slid his feet into a pair of sandals. "Hey, Dad? Can I please sit with Alex outside? It's really nice out and we'll only be on the back porch. You can watch us through the glass door or the windows."

"Fine. But don't tell your mom—and I swear, if I see you passing a joint or any kind of underage smoking, your ass is mine."

Shane laughed. "I know, I know." He looked at me and widened his eyes, as he jerked his head to the side. "C'mon, Alex."

I set my cup on the coaster as I stood and followed him onto the back porch. He closed the glass door and plopped down in one of the patio chairs.

"It wasn't an accident, but I'm honestly glad I didn't die." He pinched the bridge of his nose and drummed his fingers against his knee. "As soon as I woke up in the hospital, I realized what an idiot I was being. Like…I just missed you so much and like, ever since we stopped talking… I've been having this really fucked up dream with you and Mitchie …and like, it just keeps getting to me. I just missed both of you and I've had so much time to just _think_ and I really just wasn't dealing with my shit very well. Like, moving on is something that happens naturally and Nate kind of pushed me into it. I just …I don't know. I let that pressure bother me more than it should have and then Nate found out about you and Mitchie and just everything felt like it was out of my control and I couldn't talk to you and I couldn't talk to her and I felt like both of you were dead… and I just felt lost and out of control. And when you wouldn't talk to me, I just made an irrational decision. And God, I feel so bad for Jamie getting caught up in all of this bullshit."

He panted as he finished and I just stared at him. He'd talked so quickly and so much that I had barely absorbed what he was saying. Before I knew what was happening, he was out of his chair and hugging me, awkwardly kneeling next to my chair. "I'm honestly really sorry about everything."

I still couldn't find my voice.

He laughed and let go of me as he fell back into his chair next to mine. "Sorry. I just have been waiting to tell you that since Thursday, but I figured you would come to me if you wanted and I wasn't going to push my luck after how we left it…with everything at Sonny's."

I nodded and blinked. "Um, so…are you okay?"

We shared a look and he laughed. "Well, I've screwed myself over with all this crap that I have to do now, but yeah, I'm really…I'm trying to be okay. While I had all that time to just sit and think in the seven-two hour stint at the psych ward, I don't like who I've become and I just want to be better and be more of who I want to be…no more listening to Nate about anything." He cracked another smile.

I hadn't seen him so smiley in…months, actually probably, ever. I was very confused about him and what this meant and why he was so …different.

"What?"

I realized I'd been staring at him and dropped my gaze. "You just seem…different."

He nodded. "Yeah. I feel…different." He tapped his hands against the armrest. He eyed me and I couldn't decide what was going through his brain. "So, can we be friends again?"

I swallowed and stared at him. "I can't just forget how the past few months have gone, Shane. I just…I can't just…"

"I know…I really do suck for all of that. I'm sorry. Is there any chance we could start over or something? Please?" His finger hooked onto the edge of his shorts and he twisted it into the fabric.

I shrugged. "Maybe. I mean…it's hard to think about being friends with you, because you do remind me of Mitchie and I've kind of been happier not thinking about her."

"Then we can put her away…we don't ever have to tell people how we know each other."

"People at school will know, Shane." A bird landed on one of the vacant chairs across from us and then hopped down onto the ground and poked around in the freshly thawed spring grass, its beak got lost in the dirt. It flew off with a mouth full of grass.

"We are going to be graduating sooner than you think. It'll be fine." He tilted his head and his hair fell into his eyes.

I scratched the tip of my nose and yawned. "I know…it's just…how am I supposed to know you're not going to be a dick again in another few months? How am I supposed to ignore the mannerisms you and Mitch apparently shared? And what about your weird crush on me, is that over?"

He nodded furiously. "Yes, way over it. I really wish I could date Jamie, but at this point, it's just not fair to her. I didn't mean to, but I think I did that whole 'if you leave me, I'll kill myself' bullshit to her." He sat forward, resting his head in his hands. Groaning, he lifted his head and caught my eyes. "I _never_ wanted to be that boyfriend. Like, ever." He gripped his hair tighter; I wondered if he was going to accidentally yank it out. "And I won't be a dick to you again, because I'm not letting anyone tell me how to live my life or anything…which is what even led to all the drama with you in the first place."

I shook my head and closed my eyes. "I don't know what to tell you." I leaned back and rested my head against the back of the chair. "Sometimes, you can't take things back…and I mean, that's not an entirely foolproof plan. Nate is kind of your brother." I opened my eyes and was startled to find he was still watching me.

"Yeah, but I've told him that he needs to just stay out of my business and that he was partly the reason that this happened. He hasn't talked to me since I told him that." He tugged at his hospital band and exhaled heavily.

I studied him for a minute, as he stayed slouched over in his chair, chin supported by his hands, his eyes focused on me. "Why didn't you ever talk to me about any of this?"

"You wouldn't listen."

My mouth fell open as I leaned forward and rested my elbows on my knees. "No, you got pissed that I slept with Sonny and then never talked to me again."

"Touché." He sighed and shrugged. "Honestly, it's…" He sighed and looked out at his backyard. I followed his gaze: his eyes flickered along the high wooden fence, the rusted swing set in the corner and the tire swing on the giant tree in front of the shed; his focus was trained on the small, brown squirrel running along this path.

"It's kind of embarrassing to admit that my younger brother was sort of bossing me around…like he's two years younger than me and I was letting him tell me how to live my life. How dumb is that? Like, once Mitchie died, I was just honestly confused about everything and so when he started 'helping' me I just felt like I had to think less and that's what I wanted, because functioning just seemed so exhausting." He scoffed. "So dumb, you know?"

A breeze hit my face and I squinted as the chilled air tickled my eyes. I didn't really have anything to say to his explanation. I could see where he was coming from: if Max had started forcing me to get over Mitchie, I would have tried to go along with it after a while, because I didn't want to feel and I didn't want to think. I wouldn't have wanted to tell anyone how much Max was influencing my life if that were the case.

I looked at Shane, his black and white gym shorts, the light blue t-shirt with some band name I couldn't decipher. Did I miss him? He thumped his hand against his chest lightly, words of a song quietly on his lips. He watched the tire swing as if he was seeing something I wasn't, or couldn't.

He paused and brought his eyes back to me; I was almost embarrassed for being caught staring. "I'm sorry that I got so upset about everything with Sonny. It just wasn't…fair and I hated it. But the more I've seen her, the more I realize you really are right. She doesn't look _that_ much like Mitch." He smoothed out his shirt and a bird flitted behind him, hopping across the concrete and onto the birdfeeder. "I've spent some time looking at photos of Jamie and Sonny…It's weird how much they don't look alike after you look at her for so long." He laughed, shaking his head. "Sorry, that probably sounds creepy."

I nodded. "A little, but I get what you mean." I readjusted in the padded chair and the bird took off, flying up into the tree with the tire swing. "Maybe we can be friends…like once summer gets here. I'm just so tired of people staring at school…it's exhausting."

He ran his hand through his hair, a few loose pieces caught in the light of the sunset as they fell away from his head. "That's what we get for being well-known."

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever."

"Hey!" He held his hands up. "I'm just saying."

We sat quietly for a while, and I caught him drumming his fingers on his leg as his knee bounced up and down, another song muted as it fell from his mouth.

After the sun disappeared, he stood and stretched. His shirt rode up and I caught a glance of his pale stomach as he groaned. "My mom will be home soon." His groan turned into a yawn and he paused to deal with that. He shook his head and wiped the water from his eyes. "I mean, you can stay if you want, but we have to have a family dinner."

I got up and followed him inside. "I should probably get home. I wanted to call Sonny."

He nodded. "I figured."

I grabbed his elbow, and we both paused as it happened. "I, um, I don't know Shanya or those other people you said Harper's been hanging out with. Do you know anything about them?"

He rubbed the back of his neck and shook his head. "I know that Shanya's brother, um…" He held his fingers to his lips as if he was smoking a joint. "He's a little older than us. And I know Shanya is pretty tight with him. So I'd assume that if Harper were spending a lot of time with her, that's something. But I don't know Allison and Kyla too well, either." He walked me to the front door, and lowered his voice. "I'll text you later about those two."

I raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

Still chuckling, he nodded. "Why the sudden interest in Harper's business?"

I bit the edge of my tongue gently as I shrugged and looked down. "I don't feel like I know her anymore is all."

"Oh," he said. "Makes sense. Well, I'll see you later, okay?"

#

Sonny met me at my house and I told her all about my day and she looked as surprised as I'd felt when it was happening. "Well," she said, laughing as she ran her fingers through my hair. "That sort of explains my day."

We were lying on my bed, tangled up in each other. My head was resting on her stomach and her legs were somehow in my lap. I'm sure it looked uncomfortable, but it wasn't.

I lifted my head to look at her. "What do you mean?"

"Jamie apologized to me and told me basically what you did about Shane. But that he also broke up with her, which I really think was probably for the best. I don't think she gets that just yet." Sonny rearranged us so that we were side by side. I slipped my arms around her neck as she pulled me closer, her arms encircling my middle. Our knees were brushing up against one another and it was a little harder to concentrate on the conversation.

Her hand ran up and down my side. "It was just weird to hear about this level-headed Shane, because I hadn't ever met _that_ Shane."

"Yeah, that makes sense. I mean, when he was dating Mitchie, she never had any complaints about him as a boyfriend, other than he'd want to spend time with her and they'd fight when she would try to leave early, he just wanted to know her, and she kept all her secrets—or whatever. But I mean, I don't know, he always seemed okay when we were hanging out just him and me. So I didn't understand why he seemed to be going so psycho on Jamie."

"Yeah." She giggled. "It was literally like we knew two different people."

I closed the small space between our faces and kissed her quickly; . "Yeah. I just don't know what to do about anything else, though."

"What do you mean? With Harper, you can't really _do _anything. I mean, what are the options? You're not the same people you were, so you can get to know each other all over again or you can just move on? I don't know what to tell you."

I wrapped my hand around a chunk of her hair gently. "I guess." I scooted closer to her, my breath catching as our bodies pressed together. "I don't really want to think about it though." I tried to keep my eyes from straying to her lips, but my mind was still considering the cherry lip-gloss.

My heart was pounding so hard that I felt dizzy. Sonny's hand ran over the hem of my shirt. "Is this okay?"

I nodded and her hand slipped up my skin and I shivered as her warm fingers traced my ribs. I kissed her, slow and quiet as my breath shakily left my nose. Her hand went back to my hip as she rolled me onto her. I propped myself up on my elbows, as her hands snuck up my back. Her fingers gripped my bra clasp and our eyes locked.

"Can I?"

I felt a slow smile creeping onto my face as I exhaled. "Yeah." My bra quickly disappeared from the mix and her soft fingers ran over my chest. I felt a throbbing between my legs and switched our positions. I got rid of her bra and then edged her shirt up over her chest and gasped. She was beautiful; I couldn't believe we'd done this before and I couldn't remember this view. Her chest rose and fell with her shallow breaths and they were perfect.

I looked up into her eyes and she raised an eyebrow. My face felt hot as she pulled the shirt over her face. I sat up a little, working mine off as well. She took it from me and I heard them gently land on the floor. Her arms appeared on either side of my head as her lips were on mine.

Her mouth left a warm trail of kisses down my neck and as her mouth collided with my breast, I gasped. "Sonny." It was more of an exhale than her name, so I tried again. "Sonny. I have to tell you something."

She lifted her head from my chest, a smirk.

"I'm not saying this because you're doing that or what we're doing right now. I've been trying to figure out how to tell you, but I just want you to know before we…I want you to know it's not because of …I love you."

The widest smile I'd ever seen broke across her face. "I love you, too, Alex…and not just because of this." She winked and then her mouth was on mine and then just as suddenly, it was back on her original path. She sucked and licked and caressed my body in all of the right places and I couldn't remember ever feeling so turned on. Her tongue ran over my stomach and the small kisses along my hips were killing me. I just wanted her to take my pants off; I wanted to take them off for her.

She unzipped my jeans and slid them down my legs. As she was grabbing my knees, I leaned forward and made for her jeans. She laughed quietly and unzipped them. Our hands pulled them down together and she placed them at the end of the bed next to mine.

She grabbed my knees again and held my gaze as she whispered, "Is this okay? Do you want to do this?"

I felt I'd become a mute as I nodded vigorously; she giggled as she ran her tongue up my thighs and her nails grazed my hips, playing with the top of my red and black underwear. She slowly slid them down my legs and when her wet tongue met my body, I lost myself to the moment.

#

I spent Tuesday flipping channels on the couch while Steven barked and trotted around the house. He pawed at the back door and I let him out, but left the screen door open since it was nice.

I could hear the birds and bugs buzzing and Steven was barking and bouncing around; I almost wanted to join him. I flipped to the Discovery Channel. My phone buzzed and I searched the surrounding area for it, trying to figure out where I'd left it. I found it under the end table and read the message.

_Shane (9:38 am): Hey, so, Allison and Kyla are pretty much fake bitches. They'd be really nice to Mitchie at school and when they played on the same sports teams, but at parties, they'd constantly try hooking up with me. Eventually, I started taking Kevin and Nate with me and they'd back off, but they were persistent assholes for a while. _

I frowned as I read his message several times. I'd never noticed that at any of the parties, and I wondered if Mitchie knew about it, then I realized it didn't matter.

_Oh, what about Jacob?_ After I hit send, I typed out another message to Sonny, just telling her I missed her and then Shane's reply came.

_I don't know him too well. He was always giving me a hard time about dating Mitchie…he'd tell me that I could do better and all kinds of crap, but then I'd always catch him trying to hit on her. I don't know. He seemed like a dick, but I don't really know him too well. He was just sorta part of the gang, you know? _

I sighed and set the phone down for a minute. Basically, Harper had been just hanging out with all the meanest people our group apparently had to offer. Her insanity made more sense now.

I was hesitant to explain to Shane why I was asking him about it, but then decided maybe he could help me figure out if she was losing her mind or taking bad advice.

My phone vibrated on the cushion. _Why? What happened with Harper?_

_ Did they start saying shit about me when you started being an ass?_ I picked up the remote and flipped channels while I gripped my phone with my other hand. Why did I hang around so many shitty people?

_Probably…I mean they were talking shit about you and me when we were hanging out._ I read his response several times before I set my phone down and realized Harper was really just not worth that drama and I tried to ignore the ache in my chest as I realized instead of defending me she'd probably been tearing me down, too.

As I stared at the commercial on cell phones, I heard the front door open and looked up to see Justin standing in the doorway of the living room. He looked super pale; I frowned as I stood and walked over to him.

"Hey, are you okay?"

He shoved me out of the way and headed to the bathroom. I followed him to see if he needed something, but heard him throwing up and walked back to the couch.

Steven barked and I saw his little black nose pressed against the screen. I let him in and Justin walked back into the room, wiping the corners of his mouth. His eyes were watery and I couldn't decide if it was from vomiting or if he was actually crying.

"Alex." His voice was strangled and I jerked my head back, confused. "Can I tell you something?"

I looked him over, almost afraid to say yes. As he gingerly sat down on the love seat adjacent to me, I nodded slowly. "What's up?"

He ran his hands through his hair and let out a deep breath. "You know, on Valentine's Day, when you asked me if anyone had come over…well, after she went to your room, she came to mine, and she was crying and saying all this stuff…and I slept with her. And Zeke…still doesn't know, and I just…I feel bad because he's been trying to get back together with her since she broke up with him at some New Year's Eve party and I just…" He groaned. "Should I tell him? I mean, he's my best friend."

I stared at him, and then blinked as I glanced around the living room. "What the fuck? Are you kidding right now?"

He looked more distraught than before. He smacked his hand against the cushion. "Alex. This is serious. What do I do? I have literally been worrying myself sick for the last month trying to figure out what to do. And he just keeps trying to get me to help him get her back."

"Do you want to date her?"

He shook his head so hard that I thought it was going to break his neck. "NO! I honestly don't know how we wound up sleeping together. But after it happened and you were knocking on my door asking about her, like twenty minutes after she left, I just wanted to call her and say it was a mistake. Instead, I just messaged her and asked if we could not tell anyone about that and she never replied and ever since, I've just been trying to avoid her at all costs. But Zeke…" He groaned and ran his hand over his hair. "Alex, she's your best friend: what do I do?"

I laughed. "Justin. I have no idea what to do. She and I haven't even been friends for like, months…what am I supposed to do? Or say, even?" I threw my hands up and then reached for my phone. I had to tell Sonny.

Sonny replied instantly with virtual laughter. I started laughing again and stopped long enough to stare at him again. "What were you thinking, dude?"

He shrugged, laughing. "Idontknow." It was just one word as his hand covered his mouth. He dropped his hand after a few moments. "It feels good to get it off my chest though." He gave me a tight smile and sighed. "Well, I guess I'm going to go brush my teeth and take a nap. Maybe I'll figure something out when I wake up."

I felt my phone move in my hand and looked down. _Sonny (10:02 am): Is she pregnant or something?_

Laughing, I quickly replied. _No, but Zeke wants to get back together with her and Justin is literally sick with worry. (And by the way, I didn't even know they broke up!)_

#

It was three in the afternoon before I knew it, and that meant Sonny was free to come over. As we lay on my bed, I played with her hair and listened to her tell me about her day. Jamie was still trying to make it up to her for everything, but Sonny was still concerned about how confused and hung up on Shane Jamie seemed; I felt bad, but I didn't really know what to tell her. I wasn't nearly as good as Sonny with advice and knowing what to say and when to say it.

After a while, we decided to watch a few movies. I was just enjoying her company, when she sat up and stared at me with panic in her eyes. "Are we okay?"

My mouth fell open. "Are you finally catching the crazy that's going around?"

As she smiled, I could see her relaxing a little bit. "No. I'm just…worried you didn't like what we did the other day. You haven't mentioned it and right after, your mom was knocking on the door to tell you she was going to bed…and we just never talked about it."

I took her hand and kissed her knuckles, noticing they were a little chapped. I held her hand in mine, running my fingertip over her slightly chapped skin. "We are fantastic, Sonny. I've never had such a great time getting intimate with someone; I only regret that I was way too drunk to really remember the very first time." I leaned into her and kissed her slowly, slipping my tongue across her lips.

She smiled against my lips as she parted hers a little.

"Honestly, you were amazing and it was really great. Don't ever worry about that kind of stuff." I wrapped my arms around her waist and wished I could just melt into her.

She kissed my cheek. "You don't either, you know."

I smirked. "Oh, I know." I sat up a little straighter. "I'm super fantastic and I know it."

She pulled away and lightly swatted the side of my head. "No need to be cocky about it." She laughed and smoothed my hair down. "Plus, you could be the worst I've ever had and I'd still say you didn't have to worry, because I kind of like you, regardless of your sex-skills."

My jaw dropped. "Jerk!"

She kissed me and said, "_Babyy, _I'm kidding." She ran her hands down my back and I hated the soft fabric keeping her fingers at bay. "Seriously, though, I am kidding. I've only slept with, like, you and two other people and I completely regret the other two after you."

With wide eyes, I put my hand over her mouth. "Stop. Let's not give me more reasons to get cocky."

She laughed as she moved my hand. "You're right. Wouldn't you to get bigheaded about it."


	15. A New Routine

Faded Silhouettes

Sorry it took so long. I've been attempting to cut back on the time I spend on the computer. I hope you enjoy it, even though it's shorter than most updates.

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Enjoy, and let me know what you think please!

15. A New Routine

Friday passed in a blur and I was relieved when I stepped out into the parking lot. Once I dug my keys and phone out of my bag, I quickly spotted my car, because Shane was leaning against the driver's side door.

He pushed off the car and gave me a half smile. "Hey."

"Hey." I unlocked the door and tossed my bag into the passenger's seat. I turned to face him, glancing around, watching the other kids leaving the parking lot. "What's up?"

He chewed on his lip and his eyes followed something behind me. "Why didn't you sit with me at lunch?"

I wondered if he'd bring it up. I tapped my keys on the edge of the door, exhaling. "I don't know. I just…I didn't want people to stare."

I knew my excuse was lame: he'd been sitting alone at lunch across the room from where I usually sat alone, which was only a few tables from where he usually sat with Harper and everyone else. Everyone at my old table had asked where he was, and once they found him sitting alone, they lost interest; I'd felt his eyes on me the whole time.

"Screw them." He readjusted his bag and sighed. "I thought you said we could work on being friends again."

I twisted my keys in between my fingers and watched the light bounce off the metal heart keychain Sonny had given me one day recently. "Yeah, but not while we're still at school…like, over the summer. I just really need to focus on my school work." I wasn't even sure if that was a lie or not.

He nodded, his eyes fixed on something behind me again. "Yeah, that makes sense." He let out an exaggerated sigh. "I should probably do the same, really." He laughed. "I mean I've been out so much lately." He scratched his head and brought his eyes back to me, a sparkle peeking out as his lips curled up.

I smiled back; I relieved he wasn't upset. "Yeah." I glanced at my vibrating phone sitting in the cup holder between the two front seats. "Well, hey. I should really go."

He nodded. "Yeah. I should go wait for my dad." He sighed as he again repositioned the bag on his shoulder. He held up a hand, waving at me. "I'll see you later."

I stared as he took a few steps away. "Hey, Shane. Where's your car?"

He spun around, but stayed where he was, a few cars away from me. "Part of my restrictions." He shook his head; a tight laugh left his lips. He muttered something that sounded like 'so stupid' under his breath and ran his hand through his hair. He pointed a finger at me, a serious look suddenly on his face. "Don't try to kill yourself, the 'precautions' aren't worth it if you live." He grinned, dropping his finger.

I tilted my head, watching a black car pull up to the curb in front of the school. "Do you want a ride on Monday? I can pick you up."

He laughed. "Um, sure...see you Monday."

I threw a goodbye over the window as I fell into the driver's seat. I leaned my head against the seat and stared at my phone. I grabbed it and called Sonny back.

I rang her doorbell and fell into her arms as soon as the door opened. "Hey. I missed you."

She giggled, pulling me into the house. "I missed you, too. Are you okay?"

I nodded into her warm shoulder; the soft fabric of her black and grey striped long sleeve shirt rubbed against my cheek and I wished it wasn't between us at all. "Yeah. I just missed you is all. Can we just curl up and cuddle all night?"

"Yeah, of course." She held me to her body firmly and we stayed there, in the hall, hugging for a few minutes in silence.

I wondered what it would be like to be friends with Shane and date Sonny at the same time. I lifted my head and looked at her. Licking my lips, I blinked. I opened my mouth and froze. What was I even trying to say? I laughed and rested my head against her shoulder again.

"Alex? You okay?" She scratched my head lightly, running her nails down my back.

"Are Jamie and Shane…how did they leave that?"

Sonny rolled her eyes. "I honestly have no idea at this point. I think they're not together, but really, who knows." She tilted her head to the side as her eyes pierced mine. "Why?"

I squeezed my eyes shut and decided it was like pulling off a Band-Aid. "Well, if Shane starts hanging out with us, then I didn't want it to be uncomfortable if Jamie is there, too."

"Oh." She rubbed her hands up and down my arms. A loud thud issued and I slowly opened my eyes. She was leaning against the wall; a photo of a younger Sonny, smiling and laughing with her mom hung next to her head and I wondered who had taken the photo.

"I mean, I just don't know how to be friends with both of you at the same time…I know you're not his biggest fan." I forced myself to look at her instead of the photo.

"Alex, it'll be okay. He's apologized to you, and he's clearly trying to do something differently. I'm still trying to picture him sitting alone for an entire lunch period. I just can't imagine him making it without his followers." A far away look kept her eyes glazed for a moment as she shook her head and laughed under her breath. "Hanging out with him won't be a problem, Alex. I'll try to get more information from Jamie about whether or not she and Shane are good or bad."

I bit my lip, watching her, waiting for her to say she was kidding, that she never wanted to see him again, that she forbade me from seeing him…I didn't find anything like that. Her hands were firmly on my hips and she was smiling. She leaned forward and pressed her lips to mine.

#

I woke up with hands running up and down my back; pulling myself up from my position on my stomach, I saw Sonny sitting cross-legged next to my waist.

"Good morning. I've made breakfast!" She was grinning so wide.

I glanced around her room, feeling around on the bed for my phone. "What time is it?"

"It's, like, nine-thirty, but I've got some stuff I need to do today. I've got a couple of school projects I need to finish, and I've got to work later." She ran her hands through my hair and kissed my cheek as I sat up. "I promised my mom I'd have the house clean when she gets home on Monday morning, so I'll have to spend tomorrow cleaning."

I stretched, groaning.

She scratched the tip of her nose and hopped off the bed. "You're welcome to come over and help if you want, but if you don't, that's understandable, too."

I rubbed my eyes, trying to get the gritty feeling to go away. "Okay. I'll probably come over, but I'll probably bring over my homework."

She laughed as she headed to the stairs. "Why don't you do it today?"

I shrugged as I raked my fingers through my hair, trying to untangle it a little. "I don't know. It's Saturday. Why are you doing your homework today?"

An exasperated sigh fell from her lips as she turned and walked upstairs; I followed. "Alex, you never listen to me!" She whined as she turned and smacked my arm lightly.

"Hey!" I flicked her shoulder and she twisted around, a shocked look on her face, her hand pressed to her chest.

"And now you're abusing me." Her eyes watered as she threw her hand across her forehead; the scents of eggs, toast and coffee saturated the hallway.

I laughed and grabbed her around the waist as we walked into the kitchen; my stomach growled. "I would never actually abuse you, you know?" I kissed her temple, trailing my lips behind her ear down to her shoulder.

She draped her arms around my shoulders and smiled. "I know. I'd never actually hurt you on purpose either." She kissed my lips and pulled away, pressing her hand to my stomach gently. "Now, let's eat breakfast before it gets any colder."

I laughed and looked at the table in front of us. It looked even better than it had smelled. Grinning, I threw my arms around her neck. "Thank you." I held the 'u' longer than necessary.

After breakfast, I went home and found my whole family sitting in the living room, watching some television show. My mom and dad glanced at me, and Justin got up.

"Hey, I need to talk to you!" Justin followed me to my room in silence.

"What's up, Justin?" I sank into my desk chair, dropping my messenger bag on the floor.

Justin shut my door and fell onto my bed. "Have you talked to Harper?"

I groaned. "No. We're not friends anymore. She did something and I'm not really ready to forgive her. Have _you_ talked to her recently?" I pulled my phone out of my pocket and set it down on my desk.

"No. I just wondered if she and Zeke had worked things out…I've been avoiding them both." He bit the end of thumb and stared at my ceiling. "You took down your glow-in-the-dark stars."

"Yeah." I scratched my head, feeling the oils in my hair sticking under my nails.

His eyes swiveled to me and then back to the star-less ceiling. "Why?"

My fingers dropped from my hair to my lap as I groaned. "If this is about the whole mess you're in, then you should tell Zeke, because he's going to be way more pissed at you if he has to hear this from Harper." I crossed my arms and frowned. "Knowing her, she'll probably make up something stupid and make it sound way worse than it is."

Justin's brow creased as he sat up and looked at me.

Blinking back the sudden sting behind my eyes, I kept my arms folded. We were both quiet for a moment; the only noise between us was the faint soundtrack to whatever was playing on TV downstairs.

I listened to the air pushing its way out of his nose in frustration as he pushed himself off the bed. "Someone got up on the wrong side of Sonny's bed this morning."

My jaw loosened as I looked up, my eyes wide. "Justin! Get out of my room."

He gave a third of a smile and sighed, shutting the door behind him. A few moments later, my phone vibrated on the desk.

Justin. I shook my head, but opened the message anyway. _Btw, Mom is probably going to talk to you about staying the night at Sonny's. I heard them discussing whether or not you should be allowed to stay at her house, since you're dating and all._

I frowned and replied. _Why? It's not like anyone's getting pregnant._

His reply came after a few moments. _Well, I think it was more of a 'fairness' issue. Like, Max and I can't stay at our girlfriends' houses, so why can Alex?_

I laughed. _Do you or Max even care?_

Several minutes passed, so I started looking over my homework list. I didn't have too much. I needed to finish the last assignments for my English and math classes and I needed to start studying for finals.

My phone went off again and I picked it up. _No, Max and I really don't care. Neither of us even have girlfriends right now. _

I thought that was the case, but after I'd been a jerk to him in person, I figured I didn't need to be like that in a text.

#

"So, are you ready for finals?" It felt weird to be driving Shane to school, but it felt weirder to talk to him as if we didn't know so much about each other already.

He laughed, and I wondered if he felt the same way. "I guess as ready as I can be." He looked out the window as I watched the road. "What'd you do this weekend?"

I chewed on my lip, slowing down as I turned into the parking lot. "Not much. I hung out with Sonny, my mom finally tried to have the gay sex talk with me, and I did homework. What about you?" I parked at the back of the front parking lot.

Shane unbuckled and grabbed his backpack. "I just did homework. I've got a lot to catch up on from being gone for a week and a half, plus not doing the homework I had over spring break. So, technically, I guess I'm behind by, like, three or four weeks."

"Wow, that sucks." I locked the doors and swung my back over my shoulder as we started walking toward the school.

"Yeah." He sighed, running his hand through his hair. "I've been banned from school sports for the rest of the semester, because of the crap they found in my system. So, it's not like I've got anything else to put my attention on."

I started walking to my locker, and for some reason, I was surprised when he followed. "What about Jamie?"

Tilting his head to the side, as he leaned against the locker next to mine. "I already told you, I ended things with her, because I know she deserves better. Plus, I'm not really in a good place to date someone."

I nodded. "Aren't you two at least friends?" I sifted through my folders and books, grabbing the ones I'd need.

He readjusted the straps on his shoulders. "Well, yeah. …But that doesn't mean we're hanging out all the time or anything like that. I'm sure she needs space to get over me." He ran his hand through his hair and I watched a little dandruff fall onto his shoulder; I almost wondered if I should worry about his personal hygiene, but decided it was none of my business. "I don't mean that in a cocky way, either. I just know she really liked me, and I'm sure it's probably not easy to be around me right away."

Slightly confused and mildly dumbfounded by his words, I nodded mutely as I shut my locker door and he made a motion for me to follow him to his.

After we'd finished at his locker, we walked to our first period classes together to drop off our bags before meeting back up in the hall. When the bell rang, signaling it was time to head to first period, we said our goodbyes, and he grabbed my hand lightly, catching me before I walked away.

As soon as he had my attention, he let go of my hand. "So, will I see you at lunch?"

His dark eyes looked hopeful and I felt like a jerk saying anything besides 'yes,' so I nodded.

He smiled. "Cool! I'll be at the same table as Friday." The warning bell sounded and I rushed to class without a backward glance at Shane Gray.

Monday morning started a new routine. I started picking Shane up every day and we'd hang out, just the two of us, before classes started and at lunch. For the remaining two weeks of classes and finals, I acknowledged no one at school, except teachers and Shane. It was surprisingly easier than I'd thought it would be, but it was also reminding me of September.

Over the course of the next two weeks, I noticed several changes. Without Shane leading the troops, nobody bothered me, and I assumed Nate didn't try to continue, because of Shane's confession. However, just because nobody messed with me, didn't mean they weren't eyeing Shane weirdly.

The people we used to eat lunch with stared like he was a glass doll; it was different from the looks after Mitchie died. Some tried to give him "tips" on how to better succeed at killing himself _next time_, but there were several of his friends from the sports teams who were supportive and tried to be there for him. He shut out all of them, telling everyone the same thing: He just wasn't in a place where he wanted to focus on the social aspects of life, that he needed to stay focused on passing his classes.

#

The bell rang and my shoulders fell as I grabbed my bag. It took all of my self-control not to run out of the building. As soon as I got to the parking lot, I saw Shane leaning against the passenger side door.

"How'd you get out here so fast?" I grabbed my keys and unlocked the door.

"I left when the bus riders left and walked out of one of the doors over near the cafeteria. I crawled under your car and hid there. Something's leaking under there, by the way." He slid the seatbelt across his lap and I heard it click as I pulled mine in front of me.

I shook my head and turned on the car. "Wow. I'm sure that you didn't have to crawl under my car."

He shrugged. "I know, but it made me feel way more like James Bond." He smiled, his pearly whites all on display.

I rolled my eyes and grabbed my phone. "I'm going to hang out with Sonny, do you want to come or do you want to take a shower? I'm assuming you got something on you while you were under my car."

His smile fell as he stared. "Am I allowed?"

I laughed. "What?"

"To hang out with you and Sonny."

I looked both ways before pulling out on to the road. "Yeah?"

"Oh." I heard him swallow.

"Actually, that's a weird question. Why'd you word it like that?" Ever since we'd started talking again, wording had been a big deal to him. He'd ask me for clarification or ask why I chose certain words. The habit was rubbing off on me, but I also found that he was choosing his words more carefully, and that meant he meant what he said.

"Well, you've just never invited me and she hasn't really talked to me since spring break."

I shrugged. "You've been pretty busy, trying to catch up with school and all…plus, I told you that I'd rather hang out over summer anyway. Feel honored that I was even talking to you at all." I stuck my tongue out at him and he put his hand over my mouth.

"Touché."

I grabbed his hand and tossed it back to his side of the car. "Stop it, I'm driving." I laughed lightly, but kept my eyes on the road.

"Um, thanks for the invite, but I do actually want to take a shower and I'm not really sure my parents will let me do anything. But I'll call you, um, but probably after dinner." He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm not really sure what the rules are going to be now that school is over, but I was only allowed to have my phone during school hours for emergencies and I had to hand it over after school if I had any homework. I don't really know how this will work, so I may have to call you back after our family dinner."

I nodded as I turned into his neighborhood. "That's cool. We'll probably just be doing nothing anyway."

His smile was a little tight, but more relaxed than he had been while trying to talk about his restrictions. His parents had really kept up with all of the rules they'd put in place and they'd also made sure he was going to therapy; it was weird that they were treating him like he was much younger than he was, but I was actually surprised they cared that much.

"See you later, Alex!" He shut the door and waved.

I nodded and waved back, the glass window separating us. I pulled away from the curb. When Mitchie died, he'd done a really great job at painting a picture of a family who was indifferent towards him, but now I wasn't ready to believe that was the case at all. Maybe we had more in common than I'd realized, maybe he'd been just like me: maybe he'd shut down and gone further inside of himself than I'd realized. As I parked my car at my house, I really felt bad for Shane Gray.


	16. This Love

Thanks for the reviews; I like hearing what you think. I hope you enjoy this one, too.

I don't own anything, and the song mentioned is "I'd Do Anything" by Simple Plan.

Faded Silhouettes

16. This Love

"So, Jordan is back from college for the summer. He wants to know if I want to meet up later and do that thing we were doing the night you and I first met." Sonny's voice was quiet; I watched as her eyes scanned over her phone's screen again.

Sonny and I sat on the couch in her living room, semi-watching a muted "CSI" re-run, while her mom was on the phone, ordering pizza for the three of us. I tried to keep my voice as quiet as Sonny's. "When would we go?"

"After dinner here." She set the phone down, but it vibrated the cushion. She ignored it.

"Where would we go?"

"He could come here, or…I don't know. We could go somewhere, like the park, or there's this spot behind his backyard, like right up against his fence. There's an abandoned business building and a bunch of trees lining this ditch. Both of his neighbors have privacy fences, so it's always been a safe bet." She shrugged; her fingers did a nervous dance on her lap.

I frowned. "Why are you acting so weird right now?" Her mom was saying thank you, and hanging up as I was asking my quiet question.

She opened her mouth, but as her mom sat back down on the adjacent love seat, she stopped herself from talking. She grabbed the remote, knocking her phone closer to me in the process, and turned the volume back up. "I'll tell you later." Her phone vibrated against my leg; I was tempted to pick it up, because again, she ignored it.

I leaned my head against her shoulder and she kissed the top of my head. "Hey, Alex, I love you." She whispered into my ear. "If you don't want to go, we don't have to."

I lifted my head. "Are you sure?"

She nodded. "Yes. Definitely. Jordan's just…Jordan." She looked back to the TV and I watched the characters trying to solve their case, while I wondered what had Sonny so nervous.

"What are you girls whispering about?" Her mom's voice made me jump a little and Sonny laughed.

"Mom!" She squeezed my hand. "I'm just whispering sweet-nothings into my girlfriend's ear. Don't kill the mood. You just scared Alex out of her skin."

Her mom just laughed and I stayed quiet.

After the pizza arrived, we decided to play a few rounds of Scattergories while we ate, but we quickly lost interest in it, since there were only three of us. "Wow, is this all you two do?" Her mom took the small pencils from Sonny and put all the contents of the game back into its box. "Eat and watch TV or movies?"

I thought about it for a minute. "Umm, yes?" I took a bite of pizza, trying to figure out what we did for fun.

Sonny nodded. "Yeah, I guess. We don't really do much." She poured a little more Sprite into her cup.

"Do you at least talk more when I'm not around?" Her mom placed the Scattergories box on the floor next to the couch and picked up another slice of pizza.

I shook my head. "I mean, we do sometimes, but not always, though." Sometimes, we really did just hang out quietly; it was nice to know we could be in the same room, but not have to say a word to make it feel like the time together counted.

"I mean, we just talk about…" Sonny trailed off, I assumed she was doing what I was doing: trying to figure out what we talked about. She looked to me for help, and as our eyes connected, we both laughed.

"We talk about school, and our other friends, and movies…and…" I shrugged. "I don't know…what do we do?"

Her mom sighed. "You two are like a boring, old, married couple."

Sonny giggled. "What_ever_. We haven't even been dating for a year!"

I smiled, trying to mask the strange feeling spreading through my body. We really hadn't been together for very long. I started counting the time together in my head. "Oh my god."

They both looked at me; Sonny's brow furrowed in concern.

I took a sip from my Coke and focused on the carbonated fluid bouncing around in my mouth like Pop Rocks.

"Alex?" Sonny knocked her shoulder against mine. "What was that?"

I shrugged. "It's just weird to think we've only been together for, like, six months."

She tilted her head to the side, her eyes were drilling into mine, looking for something, but I didn't know what.

Her mom laughed nervously. "Uh oh, did I start something? Alex, you have commitment issues or something?"

Sonny's eyes widened slightly at her mom's words and I shook my head. "No. It just …feels like way longer." I could feel Mitchie's lips on my shoulder, on the back of my neck, as my eyes burned. "In a good way."

Sonny's face relaxed visibly and she went back to her pizza. "Oh, that's good." She smiled at me and I shivered slightly as a weird truth hit me: This time last summer, Mitchie had been alive. It felt weird to think about Mitchie, because even though, she was on my mind, I wasn't missing her, but I felt a little guilty for even thinking about last summer.

Watching Sonny eat her pizza, I wanted to throw my arms around her neck and tell her I loved her, but I decided right now wasn't the best time to do that. So, I touched her knee and gave it a slight squeeze before I picked up my pizza slice and finished it off.

#

After Sonny's mom had gone to sleep, we migrated to the basement. Sonny sat at her desk, messing around with some music on the computer before getting out her keyboard and playing some melodies.

I was still curious as to why she'd acted so weird when she was talking about Jordan, but I didn't know how to approach it, so I just listened to her making music for a while. I closed my eyes as I stretched out on the couch, letting the music wrap itself around me.

The music stopped, but I stayed still, assuming it would resume. Instead, she spoke. "So, I guess, it just wouldn't come up—don't ask why, because I don't know why it wouldn't come up…but I guess you should know I've dated a few guys. Jordan is one of them. And the other was Martin...also from that night we first met." She took a shaky breath. "They're stepbrothers, and the only reason it's not weird that I dated both of them is because it happened years apart. Martin and I knew each other before Jordan came into the picture. Martin and I 'dated' in, like, seventh grade—when dating just meant going to the movies in a big group and sitting together. And Jordan and I dated before I met the girl who I broke up with him for…which was Tiffany—also from that night we first met. But she and I had broken up on okay terms, and we hadn't really dated for very long—she was just my first technical girlfriend."

She stopped talking so quickly, and I assumed it was only because she needed to catch her breath.

I twisted around to look at her. She looked so worried, and I had no idea why. I blinked and sat up. "Okay…so, why are you telling me all of this? Are you deciding to leave me for one of them or something?" I gave a small smile, hoping she'd calm down a little bit and talk slower.

She shook her head, dragging another mouthful of air into her body. "No. The point is that Jordan and Tiffany were both two years older than we are and Martin graduated high school early so he's a freshman at the same school, but they are in town…And they brought Tiffany, because oddly enough Jordan and Tiffany became friends when I was dating her and they wound up getting into the same college…and so, I don't know. I feel like it would be weird if we all hung out, but I don't know…"

She'd wound up talking just as quickly as the first time, and I laughed. "Why are you so nervous?"

She blinked. "Because I'm inviting you to hang out with all of my exes? …Like, why are you laughing?"

I put my fingers to my lips, trying to stop the smile spreading across them. "I'm sorry, but I just don't see why it's a big deal. Like, you haven't even talked about these people until right now and I met them once and none of them…like…maybe I was just too hung up on Mitchie and in a weird place, or maybe I was just too high to notice properly, but like, you didn't seem to have chemistry with _any _of them, that night at least."

Sonny leaned over and smacked my arm lightly. "Be nice! They're nice people. They've been nothing but happy for me this whole time…being with you and all."

I frowned. "How do they know we're even dating?"

She rolled her eyes. "Just because you aren't on Facebook doesn't mean everyone else has also deactivated."

I watched her for a moment. "You post pictures of us?"

"Well, duh!" She grabbed her phone and tossed it to me. "Look through the photo album on my phone. What do you think I'm doing with all those photos I'm always taking?"

I barely even noticed it when she took our picture. I flipped through an entire album called Salex. I looked up. "Wow, you're, like, obsessed with us."

She shook her head. "I'm kind of in love with you, Alex. Like, seriously obsessed with you." She winked as she played back some music she'd just been playing on her keyboard. "But not in a creepy way. Just in a 'you're-the-best-girlfriend-I've-ever-had' kind of way."

I set her phone back on the desk. "So why were you so nervous?"

She shrugged as she paused the song. "I was afraid you'd be upset…I don't know…I just don't want to mess this up." She pointed to me and then brought her finger back to herself. "I like what we have and I don't want anything to screw it up."

I climbed off the couch and wrapped my arms around her neck. "I love you." I kissed the side of her head. "Do you want to go see them tonight? I was really fine with going out, but you seemed so weird about it; I just couldn't decide if _you_ actually wanted to see them or not, so I didn't press the issue."

As we drove to Jordan's house, I watched the darkened roads and wondered if the people inside the blacked out houses were sleeping or not. I wondered how many people were sneaking out right now, how many of my peers were throwing parties or getting trashed alone, and I tried to curb my curiosity about the history between Sonny, Tiffany, Jordan, and Martin. They'd looked so normal and just like a bunch of friends hanging out the night I'd seen them.

I ran my nails over the seatbelt across my lap and felt the ridges along the edges of it. I glanced at Sonny and imagined her holding hands with any of those blurry-faced people from the night we'd met; I couldn't picture it. I couldn't even remember what they'd looked like.

Pierre Bouvier's voice was quieted as Sonny spoke. "You okay over there?"

I tried to focus on the words floating through the speakers: _"I close my eyes, and all I see is you/I close my eyes/I try to sleep/I can't forget you."_ I licked my lips and cleared my throat. When Sonny drove, I always heard songs I hadn't thought of in years._ "…And I'd do anything for you."_

"Alex?" The concern in her voice brought my attention back into focus.

I looked at her. "Yeah. Sorry. I'm good. I'm just thinking about everything in the world and how weird things can be."

She slowed as we met a curve in the road. "Oh? What do you mean?"

I chewed on my tongue, the inside of my cheek, my lips. "Like, how many people are sneaking out of their homes right now? How many kids I go to school with are drinking right now? How many are jumping into swimming pools, or losing their virginities, or throwing up, or stealing something, or confessing secrets somewhere, to someone?" I shrugged even though I knew she couldn't see it in the dark of the car; it was easier to say this than ask her about her own romantic history and I didn't know why. We'd always been so honest, but maybe, I just felt like I was being nosey, especially since she hadn't offered up too many details about these people.

"Yeah, that is kind of weird to think about." She slowed again as she turned on her left turn signal.

I watched as the black, country road turned into gravel as we made the turn. "And how we'll never actually know them in these moments. I can meet someone right now that I've seen every day in school, and never even know what they were doing five minutes before shaking my hand or talking to me."

We bounced down the gravel road and I frowned. "Where does he live?"

She laughed. "In the middle of nowhere."

I realized I sort of knew where we were. "Is this near The Shed?"

She jerked her head in my direction; the dashboard lights illuminated her shocked expression. "You know about that place?"

"Duh! Who doesn't?" I grabbed the handle bar above my head and held on to it as we went up the rocky hill. "I didn't know you hung out there."

"I didn't know you hung out there, either."

We parked the car in a gravel parking lot against a house and I unbuckled and reached for the handle, but before I could open it, her warm fingers were wrapped around my wrist.

"Alex, hey, are we good?"

I stared at her, our eyes connected even though we could barely see each other. The light from the porch cast shadows on her face and I almost forgot I wasn't at the lock and dam with a different brunette. I nodded slowly. "Yeah. Why wouldn't we be?"

"Well, you were just pretty quiet on the ride here, and I don't know, I just don't want you to be uncomfortable." She ran her fingers up my arm and threaded them through my hair.

I smiled, letting my head tilt into her palm just slightly. It felt good to be someone's priority. "If I'm uncomfortable, I'll let you know." I turned my head and kissed her palm before pulling her hand from my head.

As we walked up to Jordan's front door, I realized something. He had like two neighbors and her earlier description didn't fit this at all. "Did Jordan move or something?"

She looked at me funny, before embarrassment flooded her face. "Oh, no…this is Tiffany's house. Sorry. Jordan texted me right before we left to come here instead. Sorry."

I leaned my head on her shoulder and she wrapped her fingers around my waist. "It's okay. I just realized that this didn't seem like the place you'd described earlier."

"Yeah." She kissed the top of my head. "Nothing like that at all."

The door opened. "Hey, Sonny! Alex! Come on in!" The shaggy haired guy led us through a hallway and into a backyard. "I don't know if we've been properly introduced, Alex. So, nice to meet you, I'm Martin!" He shoved his light brown hair from his eyes and held out his hand as we stepped onto the patio.

"Nice to meet you." I shook his hand as Sonny waved to a few people sitting a few feet away at a round, glass table: an umbrella was protruding from the center, but it wasn't open, and an ashtray sat beside it.

Martin and I followed Sonny to the table and Sonny pulled out a chair for me and I sat down next to Martin and Sonny. Martin pointed to the girl across from me. "That's Tiffany." She smiled and blew a stream of smoke upward. His hand moved to the guy next to Sonny. "And Jordan."

Jordan smiled at me as he took the joint from Tiffany. "Nice to meet you, Alex!"

"Yeah." Tiffany reached for the bottle of orange Fanta in front of her and unscrewed the cap. "You're way cuter than all of the photos Sonny's got on her Facebook page."

Martin hit the tabletop and pointed at me. "That reminds me! Why don't you have Facebook?"

Sonny laughed as she took the joint from Jordan. "Leave her alone, Marty."

I shrugged, getting a little nervous as I felt all over their eyes on me. "I don't like it. I just think it's a waste of time."

"But what do you _do_?" Martin rubbed his hands on his tan cargo shorts; I watched his leg bounce up and down.

"Homework, hang out with Sonny. Um…I don't know. Sleep." Sonny held the joint out to me and I took it, happy to have a pause in the conversation. I sucked on the end of joint, pulling the smoke deep into my lungs. A familiar, earthy sweetness with just an odd hint of pine needles: I imagined the gray smoke swirling around in my pink lungs, and gave the joint to Martin.

I pushed the smoke out of my body gently; I could almost feel it clinging to my esophagus as it floated upward, and sticking in my nasal cavity as it tumbled out my nose.

Martin got distracted by something Tiffany said as he passed to her, relieving me of giving reasons as to why I didn't use that stupid "social" website, and I glanced at Sonny to find her watching me. She smiled at me and squeezed my hand. She scooted her chair closer to mine and leaned her head on my shoulder.

"Thanks." Her voice was soft, and I could tell she wasn't talking to anyone but me. While it made me feel special, it also confused me, because I didn't get what she was saying that.

I asked her why and she just kissed my cheek. She lifted her head from my shoulder and watched as she started talking to Jordan as she watched him take a hit. While I took another hit, I watched them talk animatedly before handing it off to Martin who started talking to me again.

"And it wasn't until third grade that I knew about boxers. Is that weird?"

I blinked, giggling. "What are you even saying?" The smoke left with each small laugh.

Martin drummed his hands on the table. "I wore briefs until third grade. Is that normal?"

I shrugged, watching his fingers move at the speed of light. "I don't know. I can't remember what underwear I wore in third grade. Why does that even matter?"

"I just think it's weird. But I can't remember, because we didn't have gym class in third grade. Nobody could make fun of me, but I don't know what everyone else was wearing."

I watched Tiffany sip on her Fanta and I was instantly thirsty. I licked my lips, tapped Sonny on the shoulder. "Hey. Do we have anything to drink?"

Tiffany answered me. "Here. I don't have cooties."

I thanked her as I took her drink, and noticed her perfectly painted nails. "I like your polka dot nails." I touched her fingernails; the paint was bumpy.

She laughed and flicked the ash on the tip of the joint into the ashtray as I gulped down some of her soda.

Sonny slapped my side lightly. "Don't drink all of it, goober!"

I stopped drinking and set it down, it was almost empty; Sonny pushed it across the table to Tiffany. "Sorry."

Tiffany shrugged. "It's cool, we have more in the house. Do either of you want one?"

She brought back five cans of grape Fanta and I popped the top on mine immediately. The cold, purple carbonation fizzed in my mouth and I tried to get the dryness in my tongue soaked up.

Once we got down to the roach, we called it quits and just sat around talking. I watched all of them interact, trying to imagine Sonny kissing any of them. It just seemed so awkward, because none of them seemed like her type, and I wondered how much they had changed between the times she'd dated them and now.

#

I opened my eyes to find sun filtering into the basement from the storm window. My eyes felt heavy; I rubbed them and squinted at the clock on my phone. It was almost noon. I twisted around to find Sonny's eyes roaming under her eyelids, her mouth slightly open. I draped my arm over her stomach and situated myself against her. I wasn't exactly ready to be awake, but as I lay next to her, listening to her soft breathing, I thought about last night and how nice the three of them had been. The dynamic between all of them had been so strange, and it was extremely odd that they'd been so nice and welcoming to me, but I liked it. I wondered about her heaviest relationship before me, the one who had been awful for her, and I wondered how she'd go from those nice people to some crazy girl. I wondered, but I didn't want to ask: it wasn't really my business. I wished she wanted to talk about it, because I was so curious.

I let my index finger revel in the softness of her skin as it found her exposed hip. She had the softest skin I'd ever felt, and I wanted to spend the rest of my life pondering how it got that way. A strange icy feeling spread through my body as I realized what that meant: I watched her eyes, imagined what she could be dreaming about, hoped she was dreaming of me, wondered if nightmares ever plagued her, and realized how deeply I really did love her.

I rested my head against the pillow next to hers; my eyes burned with tears and I wasn't sure why, but I found Mitchie on my mind. This was a moment the two of us could have never had, and I loved that I couldn't have that with her. It wasn't in a bitter way, but I was happy that I was in love with Sonny right now. I was happy that I loved Sonny in a better way than I had cared about Mitchie. I liked this love so much more. Things Mitchie and I had fought over didn't come up between Sonny and me, the things that plagued that relationship never cropped up here, and we could talk about anything and everything and even though, I'd thought I'd had that with Mitch, there were topics we couldn't touch: Shane, coming out, even telling her I loved her was taboo.

A strange excitement filled me as I realized Sonny was my first real girlfriend and that I loved her so much I wanted to keep her forever, and that I was allowed to love her, I was allowed to keep her for as long as I wanted.

My cheeks ached from the smile on my face and I smiled harder as I realized I was smiling that hard, for that long, and I laughed. Immediately, I covered my mouth, my eyes wide, afraid I'd woken her.

Her breathing changed and her eyes focused on me. A small, sleepy smile graced her lips as she looked at me with half-open eyes. "What're you doing?"

My giant smile reappeared as I watched her. Placing my lips against hers, I whispered, "I just really love you. Like, I love you a lot."

She giggled quietly as she wrapped her arms around me, pulling me on top of her. "I love you, too, Alex. A lot." Her soft lips pecked my eyes, my nose, my cheeks, my neck.


	17. With Time

Faded Silhouettes

17. With Time

Sonny slipped her shirt back over her head and tossed mine across the bed to me. I ducked my head as I mumbled a tiny thank you before poking my head through the top of my LIVE, LAUGH, SONNY shirt.

"Why are you being so shy?" Sonny giggled as her underwear disappeared under the edge of her shirt.

I bit my lip, staying quiet.

"Oh, oh my god, wait!" Her hand was pressed to her chest; her fingers fanned out, covering part of the bear's head on her shirt. "You weren't a virgin, were you?"

I rolled my eyes as a smile stretched my face. Leaning forward, I smacked her arm. "Shut up."

She held onto my hand and scooted closer to me, kissing the tip of my nose. "I'm kidding. But seriously, you okay? Was that okay?"

I nodded and got up. "Yeah. I just…" I laughed. "I don't know. It's just funny."

I watched her shorts go up her legs; as they met her hips, I brought my eyes to hers. Her face was skewed with confusion.

"Like, we just did it, and nobody even knows. I mean, I don't want to go announcing it to everyone, but we're about to go upstairs and eat like it didn't even happen." I pulled my basketball shorts up over my underwear and adjusted the strings.

She pushed off the bed and walked over to me. "You're thinking about a lot of weird things lately." She wrapped her arms around mine. "But I get what you're saying. It's kind of weird how that works, isn't it?"

I sighed; I could feel her warm body pressing into my back. "I guess so. It's just weird how we'll never know everything about anyone." In the overly air-conditioned basement, her body felt like a welcomed furnace.

She kissed my temple and rested her head on my shoulder. "We'll know everything about each other. And ourselves."

My stomach growled and she rested her fingers against my middle, covering up her name on my shirt. I stood, wrapped in her arms, still wondering about her crazy ex. "Will we?"

"Will we what?" Her voice was soft against my neck.

"Know everything about each other?" My body started shaking with tension, afraid we were about to have a fight.

She kissed my earlobe. "Yep. Some day. One little fact at a time. As you realized last night, we really haven't been together for very long, even though it feels like forever. You still can't know everything about anyone, not even six months into anything." Her arms tightened just slightly. "Why are you shaking?"

I chewed on my lip, staring at her desk across the room. My shoulders lifted and I shook my head. "I don't know."

She spun me around and held me away from her; her brown eyes scanned my face and I stared at her nose, her chin, her lips, her eyes, still chewing on my lip skin, resisting the urge to peel off a loose piece of it. Her eyes were held steady with mine as she spoke. "What's on your mind?"

I blinked and looked away. "I don't know."

"Alex." I could hear her nerves. "You're kind of scaring me." Her fingers were still on my arms; each one was burning a spot of warmth against my cool skin. I could imagine ten, tiny red spots of heat being left behind if she let go.

"It's nothing. I'm just being weird." I suddenly didn't want to ask about her ex; she was right. In time, we'd learn things about each other. But what if that never came up? Her words echoed in my head _"I guess it just wouldn't come up"_ and I opened my mouth and brought my eyes to hers. My voice got caught in her gaze and I just stared; my mouth dangling open, words frozen somewhere in my throat.

She pulled me into a hug; I could feel her shaking, but it may have been me.

I didn't want this to be a fight, but I was just so curious. "Would you have ever told me about any of them if it hadn't come up last night?"

I felt her body inflate with a deep inhale. "Yes, but not last night. I would've told you a long time from now."

I tried to move to look at her, but she held me in place. "Why?"

Her warm breath hit my shoulder as she slowly exhaled. We stood there for a minute, just breathing before she spoke. "I want to be with you for a really long time, and I just…think I would have saved it for an anecdote for later…like when we were in college, or," she paused, fiddling with the hem of my shirt. She swallowed. "Or sometime after that." I turned my head to try to look at her face, and it looked a little pink. "Some point where it had just been longer ago than it is right now. Like, it was only a few years ago, and it's just weird to tell you about it now, so early in our relationship…I don't know if that makes sense."

A phone buzzed somewhere in the sheets on her bed and we both turned toward the sound. Not seeing either of our phones, we looked back at each other, and I realized it was still my turn to speak. What she said sort of made sense, but still left me a little confused, but it made me feel better about why she hadn't said much about her other ex. The phone buzzed again, but I kept my eyes on her for a moment. "Yeah. It makes sense." I wasn't shaking anymore. "I'm sorry I got weird about things."

I ran my hand through my hair as she reached for the sheets, pulling them to find the phone. I felt under the pillows and found the culprit; it was mine. "Shane." I read the message and stared at Sonny.

"What?" She peeked over my shoulder to see the screen.

I held it out for her to take. "Shane invited us over."

"Both of us?" She read the screen under her breath. "_'What are you and Sonny doing today? Do you want to come over?'_ Are you sure he means both of us?"

I nodded. "I would assume so. Text him back and ask." I grabbed my overnight bag and went upstairs to the bathroom.

I heard her footsteps shadowing mine on the stairs. "It's your phone, you ask him."

My phone appeared over my shoulder.

"Here." Her arm shook it at me, but I didn't take it.

"My hands are full right now." I gripped my overnight bag with both hands.

"Liar." She followed me to the bathroom doorway and leaned against the doorframe. "Do you want to hang out with him?"

I pulled my toothbrush out of its case and gripped it between my fingers as I unscrewed my toothpaste. Driving Shane to and from school for the last few weeks of school had been fine, hanging around him during school hours had been fine, but since summer had started, he hadn't really been able to do much. I wasn't upset or anything by his lack of socializing, because I assumed his parents still had restrictions set on his social life. "Yeah, I haven't seen him since school let out." I worked the toothpaste over my teeth, scrubbing the bristles in circular motions over each smooth, white surface. It was weird to realize it wasn't even July yet; I spat into the sink. "He's been messaging me throughout the last three weeks…since school let out."

Her nails tapped against the countertop; I watched her shift from one leg to the other in the mirror. "Will it be weird if I'm there?" She tapped my phone against her hip.

I shook my head as I rinsed my mouth and the toothbrush. "It shouldn't be. He's seriously been different since everything."

She ran her fingers along the edge of the counter, while I shoved my toothbrush back into its travel container. I grabbed the floss out of the bag and twisted it around my fingers. She laughed.

"What?" I ran the waxed string between my teeth, watching her in the mirror again.

She shook her head and pushed off the counter. "Nothing. You're just cute."

I finished what I was doing and twisted around to face her, tossing the used piece of floss into the small trash can.

"So, how about breakfast and then we can go see Shane." She held my phone out to me.

I nodded, taking it from her. "Okay. Sounds like a plan." I kissed her cheek. "If you're uncomfortable, we don't have to stay."

Following her down the hall, I watched her hips sway slightly to a beat I couldn't hear. "Alex, when have I ever been uncomfortable?"

I took the bowl she handed me and set it down on the table. "I can't think of a time of the top of my head."

She passed me the box of cereal. "Exactly. Don't worry, okay?" She shoved a spoon into my bowl and kissed my nose.

The cereal clinked against the ceramic and I watched the milk rush over the Cheerios. I bit my lip as I spun the spoon around. "Okay. But if you want to leave, we can."

Her reply was distorted through her mouthful of cereal.

#

Sonny and I followed Shane into his living room. "I'm so happy you decided to come over." He smiled as he squatted down into front of the TV stand. "I rented some movies and I really didn't want to watch them alone."

I dropped down onto the couch and Sonny sat next to me. She glanced around the room as she asked, "What'd you rent?"

He shifted through the small pile. "We've got _End of Watch_, _The Paperboy_, _The Avengers_, and _21 Jump Street_."

"Alex, what do you think?" Sonny leaned forward towards the coffee table.

I picked at my nails. "Um, I'd like to see all of them. I guess, _The Avengers_?"

Shane nodded and opened the case. "Sounds good to me. Sonny?"

She nodded. "Yeah, definitely." Leaning back, she rested her head on my shoulder.

After Shane started the movie, he got situated on the recliner next to the couch. The same spot his dad had been sitting in the last time I'd been here. He glanced at us, then back at the screen. "You two want anything to drink or eat or something?"

Sonny lifted her head. "Yeah, sure! Do you have any popcorn?"

He laughed and stood up. Walking into the kitchen, he rattled off the different drinks he had and Sonny pulled me to my feet to follow him.

"Can I just have some water?" I leaned against the island in his kitchen and Sonny opened the fridge as he handed me a cup and went to a different cabinet to grab a package of microwave popcorn.

"Can you grab me a Ski while you're in there?" Shane punched the numbers on the microwave.

Sonny set a Ski on the counter as she popped the top of a Sprite. "You sure you don't want anything besides your water, Alex?"

I slowly shook my head as I held the cup of water in front of me. I blinked. It was weird to see them interacting like they'd known each other forever, but then again, Shane met her the same night I did.

Sonny bumped her hip against mine as the smell of popcorn started to bloom. "Hey, you okay?"

I nodded. "Yeah, sorry. I just…I was thinking."

Shane laughed. "Water versus soda pop is a very serious decision after all." He emphasized the pop in his 'soda pop' and I couldn't decide if I'd ever heard him call it soda pop before.

Sonny said something about _The Outsiders_ and I felt like I was in a dream as they started talking about Ponyboy and Sodapop. I gulped down half of my water as the warm, buttery and salty smell of popcorn invaded my body.

As the afternoon turned into evening, we made it through both _The Avengers _and _The Paperboy _before I fell asleep.

I woke up to Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill tripping in _21 Jump Street_ and Shane and Sonny were dying with laughter. I blinked and realized my feet were across Sonny's lap and I stayed where I was, unmoving. I shut my eyes and tried to block out the strange sight of them being so friendly.

Sonny shook my feet and I opened my eyes. "Hey, sleepyhead, _21 Jump Street _is over and Shane's mom wants him to help make dinner, so we should probably leave."

I pushed myself into a sitting position and stretched. "Sorry I fell asleep." I covered my mouth as a yawn rolled out of me. I wiped the tears that surfaced.

"It's cool," Shane said, leading the way to the front door. "I'll talk to you guys later. Thanks for coming over today!"

We said our goodbyes and I stumbled out in a haze and Sonny buckled into the driver's seat. "So, sleepyhead, what do you want to do now?"

I rubbed my eyes, trying to wake up. "I think I just want to go home."

Sonny rubbed my thigh. "Okay, do you want to get your stuff from my house first?"

I shook my head. "No, I'll see you tomorrow, right?"

We pulled into my neighborhood as she shook her head. "Yeah, but I work at four, so before that."

I watched the houses zoom by as she curved onto my street. "Okay. Well, I'd invite you in, but I'm sure my mom will give me a hard time since we've spent so much time together." I unbuckled and leaned over the console to kiss her.

She hesitated before kissing me. "Alex?"

I paused as I was pulling away from her lips. "Yeah?"

"Are you okay? Was this okay today?" She looked worried like she had last night when she was explaining her history with Jordan, Martin and Tiffany.

I laughed. "Yeah, today was fine." I sat back in the passenger's seat. "It was just weird to see you two getting along."

"You sure that's all? You seemed quiet all day?"

I laughed as I twisted my fingers together. "I fell asleep, but before that I was talking and laughing, too. That second movie was a little weird, but the first one was really funny. I just was tired and comfortable." I shrugged and looked out at my house. "I should really let you go."

She sighed. "Okay. Well, I just want to make sure you're happy."

I leaned over and kissed her again. "Sonny, I am. I promise." I smiled.

"Okay." She reached over and squeezed my knee. "I'll let you know when I'm home."

I nodded. "I'll talk to you in a little bit. Be safe." I ducked out of her car and walked up to my house. I wasn't sure why I was in such a weird mood, but she'd been right in calling me out.

I wasn't particularly sad; I was just feeling...like everything was surreal. I realized I'd left a lot at her house, including my car. I groaned as I walked into the kitchen.

"What's with you?" Justin scooped tortilla chips onto a plate as he glanced up.

"Nothing. I just realized I don't have my car here, so Sonny will have to come pick me up tomorrow." I grabbed a plate and put together my own loaded nachos. I dripped chili over the nachos and sprinkled cheddar cheese on top.

"Oh." Justin dumped lettuce and tomatoes onto his plate along with onions and olives. "I talked to Zeke by the way." He tossed a handful of shredded cheese on top of his plate. "We're not friends anymore."

I finished putting together my plate and nodded. "Is he dating Harper again?"

He sighed. "No. He told me to go ahead and date her. He didn't get it when I kept saying I didn't want to do that."

I laughed. "Dude, stay away from her, because she is super crazy. She's kissed me, too. So, yeah, good luck."

Justin stared at me, his mouth hanging open. "Wow…well, that's screwed up."

I nodded as I sat down across from him at the dinner table. "Yep. Crazy year."

Steven barked and my dad tossed him a chip from his plate.

"Jerry! That's why he begs!" My mom sat down next to Justin and Max sat next to me.

I crunched on the chips and taco contents. 'Crazy year' really summed it up for me. Everything about this year had been so messy and out of control.

I watched as Justin ate and Steven wagged his tail. And not just for me, but for everyone. I felt my phone vibrate on my leg and thought of Sonny and how her year was just as weird. Shane and I landed in his life, and Jamie's, and this dog had come out of nowhere.

I shook my head and continued to eat dinner, as unfamiliar feeling filled me. I sipped on my water as I realized I was hopeful about the rest of this summer; I had a feeling it would be pleasant. Things felt like they were evening out. Even though, last August had thrown such a huge curveball, it was probably for the best. I felt like I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

Watching my dad sneak more food to the dog, and my mom shout again, I felt my phone go off again and goose bumps spread across my body as I realized I was actually thankful for this year. I was happy. There weren't any lies or secrets or weird obstacles. I was just here and I was content.

**Thank you for reading and reviewing. This is the end, and I hope you've enjoyed it. I've got to write two short stories for two different classes this semester, so I'll be back once that's behind me. Again, thank you for the reviews, I always appreciate them. :)**


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